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Police Jokes & Funny Jokes
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The Funny Jokes pages offer a ton of funny jokes, some funny
pictures. Most of the jokes are based around police humor,
but some of the jokes have proved to be really funny jokes.
Enjoy! |
Funny Joke: Testing the new recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with
some difficult issues. What would you do if you had
to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
Funny Joke: The Helpful Wife
EA driver is pulled over by the police and the
following scene ensues:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken
tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light
for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you
this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Funny Joke: Escaped Convict
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a
young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to
his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy
nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't
seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything
he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives
depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm
so relieved that you feel that way, because he just
told me he thinks you're cute!"
Funny Joke:
Jesus
and Satan have an argument as to who is the best
computer programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an
agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as
the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and
begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming
up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of
lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing.
I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "Let us see if Jesus
fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life
in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir
pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... JESUS SAVES."
Funny Joke:
Prostitutes are going on strike because they're
unhappy about working conditions and police
harassment, AND...
-
Can't charge as much as gasoline companies do for
"screwing" people! Forget about gasoline prices.
. .
-
you should see what they're charging for
LUBRICANTS!
-
Ever since the Grammies, clients want me to dress
like that slut Jennifer Lopez!
-
Most health care plans don't cover "Pimp Slaps".
Thanks to Viagra, I get a lot of, "Who's your
GRAND-daddy?!"
-
I'm glad Charlie Sheen's gonna have some extra
cash, but I really enjoyed Michael J. Fox on "Spin
City"!
-
That damn Courtney Love gives it away for free.
-
Puff Daddy hires me and shoots everything but his
wad.
-
Not as much work at the Kennedy compound because
there are a lot fewer Kennedy's.
A Commander's Preference
The commander was asked: "Why do you prefer married
soldiers in your unit?" "Well, the married men are
used to take orders even if they are yelled at."
A true lawyer story...
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole
courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until
their demands were met.
Woman says she'll do anything for $100
A lawyer walks into a bar in a bad part of town.
Almost immediately, he is propositioned by one of
the women at the bar. "For $100, I will do anything
you want," she says.
"OK," he says, "but we have to go back to my place."
She agrees, and they head into the suburbs, in front
of the lawyer's expansive house. The woman follows
him to the front door. "Just stay here for a
second," the lawyer says.
He goes in and comes back a couple of minutes later.
Handing the woman overalls and two cans of paint,
the lawyer says, "Here is your $100. Let me know
when you are done painting the house."
Funny Joke:
Lawyer Answers:
Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom
of the ocean?
A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the
road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his
neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law
School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten
lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's
a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer
should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with
a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their
chins.
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a
lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you
swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a
lawyer?
A. A doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.
Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a
lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other
is just a fish.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd
of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Funny Joke:
Application to date my Daughter
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and
rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH:
_______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ:
________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS
LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT
RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY:
_________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain:
________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married:
___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH
OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____
WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____
COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF
#8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES
IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean
to you?
_________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT
TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does
"ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend?
________________ How often do you attend?
____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview
your father, mother, priest or pastor?
____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely -
all answers are confidential (That means I
won't tell anyone - I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I
would want to be wounded is in the
_____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would
want broken is my _____________
C. A women's place is in the
__________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does
not ask me about is ____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I
notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the
answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A,
discontinue and leave the premises immediately
with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
_________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or
Christian College? _________ Which one?
____________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS
TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED
HOT POKERS.
_____________________ Signature (That means
sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four
to six years for processing. You will be
contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write (this
action will void this application). If your
application is rejected you will be notified
by two angels wearing red suits and carrying
pitch forks. (You might want to start praying
now).
Funny Joke:
Local Police always get their man
The local police, FBI, and CIA are all trying
to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He
releases a rabbit into a forest and has each
of them try to catch it.
When the CIA goes in, they place animal
informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations
they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in: After two weeks
with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it
coming.
Then the local police go in: They come
out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: " Okay! Okay!
I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Three highly decorated police officers die in
a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go
to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you
are laid out in your casket, and your fellow
officers and family are mourning you, what
would you like to hear them say about you? The
first cop says, "I would like to hear them
say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like
to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in
the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I
would like to hear them say ... Look, He's
Moving!"
A local man was found murdered in his home in
Galveston, Texas over the weekend. Detectives
at the scene found the man face down in his
bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and
cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana
protruding from his buttocks... Police suspect
a cereal killer.
Funny Joke:
Math Exam:
City of Los Angeles High School Math
Proficiency Exam
Name: _________________AKA: Gang Name:
______________
Q1: Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round
clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots
and he uses 13 shots per drive-by shooting. How
many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny
attempt before he has to reload?
Q2: Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an
8 ball to Antonio for $220 and 2 grams to Juan
for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
the rest of his hold?
Q3: Rufus pimps 3 hoe's. If the price is $85 per
trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn
to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
Q4: Jerome wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he
bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many
ounces will he need?
Q5: Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for
stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he
steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more Corvettes must he have to steal to have
$900?
Q6: Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got
$10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out? Extra
credit bonus: how much more time will he get for
killing the ho that spent his money?
Q7: If an average can of spray paint covers 22
square feet and the average letter is 3 square
feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3
eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint
free?
Q8: Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There
are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact
percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
Q9: Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has
a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per
week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes
$700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he
feed the Boa on one week's income?
Q10: Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy
skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum.
If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum,
how far away will Billy be when he gets
whacked.
A blonde woman calls 911. In a panic she tells
the dispatcher that her house is on fire and
that she needs the fire department there
immediately. The dispatcher tells her, just
calm down Mame and tell us how to get there.
The blonde lady replies "DUH, THE BIG RED
TRUCK"
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you
should be wearing glasses." The woman
answered, "Well, I have contacts." The
policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"
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