Police Jokes & Funny Jokes

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 Funny Jokes: 3 Convicts

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

OLD MAN-YOUNG MAN

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors--green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Death Row

There was a German, an Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. was to be shot 2. was to be hung 3. was to be injected with the AIDS virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now the was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

The Dance

Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you. Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

Internal Revenue Service

Attention: Washington, D.C. To whom it may concern: Enclosed is my 1999 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In it, you will see the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers, and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my return. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer.

o sender

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

O.J. again

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons."

The tourist

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" He replied, "No, I am an undercover detective." The man than asked, "So why are you in uniform?" The policeman replied, "Today is my day off."

A bear in the air

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate by telling the man "I've got a great cop joke if you want to hear it." The man, who was an off-duty officer replied, "I should let you know first that I am a cop." The man replied back, "That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

Fill up

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Prison Built

An old con was talking to a new inmate in prison and said "What are ya in for kid." who replied, "I tried to make a new kind of car." He went on to say, "I took an engine from a Ford, a transmission from an Oldsmobile, tires from a Cadillac, and an exhaust system from a Plymouth." The con replied, "Really? What did you get?" "Fifteen years for auto theft" the man replied.

Can you speak up?

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Cop and Beer

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "You buyin'?"

Basic food groups for police

1.Glazed 2.Jelly 3.Powdered 4.Chocolate Frosted

Man tries to help

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

Potato sack crooks

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat." He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog". He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato."

Rookie cop

Hot Shot Rookie
A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding. The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"? The officer said, " Sure". He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car. "Anything else?" said the rookie.

The pill

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."

Could you arrest your own mother?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He replied, "Call for backup."

10 reasons why you shouldn't be a cop

1) You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
2) Sirens give you a headache.
3) You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time. 4) When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.
5) When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.
6) You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous.
7) At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out.
8) A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.
9) You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.
10) You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a paper cut.

Two Rednecks

There were two rednecks speeding down a dirt road in Alabama when they were pulled over by a local Sheriff. As the Sheriff approached, the driver rolled down his window. The Sheriff asked, "You got any ID?". The driver replied "'Bout what?"

Is a picture worth a thousand words?

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

Scrambled Eggs

Two police officers were standing outside their favorite eatery when they see a sign in the window that read "Unique Breakfast" so they walked in and sat down. The waitress brought them their regular coffee and donut breakfast and asked them if they would like anything else to eat. "What's your Unique Breakfast Sally?" asked one of the officers inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the officer replied.

Hard of hearing

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU"

Where y'all from?

A Texas State Trooper pulls over a speeding car with a pretty blonde at the wheel. The trooper, being in a rather good mood that day, approached the vehicle and said, "Howdy mam, where y'all from?" The irritated New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The Texas trooper thought quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from..., bitch?"

The Chief's Brain

It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. A large explosion had killed a policeman, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The policeman's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's was a $100,000! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply.... "you see the chief's brain has never been used!"

Won't listen

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

Two robbers

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Quotas?

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

Truck driver

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed!" said the trucker.

Always look both ways before pulling into traffic...

My dad was a gas station manager in the mid eighties. One day after coming home from work he told me about his day. The gas station he worked at has a drive up pay station, meaning you pump your gas and drive up to pay. One day an idiot decided to help himself to some free gas and drive past my dad's window waving his middle finger at him as he drove by. As my dad walked out and tried to get the guy's plate number, the dummy pulled out of the lot without looking and bumped into a sheriff's department cruiser. My dad happily told the surprised deputy what had taken place (used by permission from dumbcrooks.com).

Prison life vs. a full time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they only ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to wait in line and share the toilet.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for theprisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and then inside bars.

Judge gives criminals second chance

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your butt before prison, ..."

Request for counsel?

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF DEFENSE LAWYERS

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.


5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whore houses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder...........(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor...............(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator.....(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster..........(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut.................(2)
6. Honest Attorney.....................(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat..........................(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner................(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser............(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender.......($100 BOUNTY)

Actual Lawyer statements...were they trying to be funny?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know
anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself?

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor,
I'd like to strike the next question."

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the
body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Yo momma so fat

Yo mama so fat the police dogs stopped her at the airport for having 10 lbs of crack.

He Fell

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.

Police questions:

1. How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
2. Did you hear why the LA Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early?
To beat the crowd.
3. LAPD officer: We arrested this man beating the shit out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?
Desk Sergeant: Impersonating an Officer.
4. What's the difference between a police officer in San Francisco and a police officer in Los Angeles?
A police officer in San Francisco will dance and have a few drinks when he says he's going out "clubbing."

You won't believe what I saw today...

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

911 Call

911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Lady doesn't know how to stop

A lady with a station wagon full of little league baseball players ran a stop sign and almost rammed a police car. The officer got out of the cruiser and screamed, "Jesus lady, don't you know when to stop? The lady replied, "Honest, Officer, these kids are not all mine".

Dead Man Walking

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase. "Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

George Bush...Can I get a quikie?

George W Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off. Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced "QUICHE."
 

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