Ok, last paper I wrote...for this week.

[Cobra]

Hey all, I've got one more paper that I wrote, and this one is about my dad for an English course. It'd be great if anybody could read this, and critique it.

Introduction-

This man you will hear about is the definition of hard work, dedication, devotion, and self-sacrifice. The great thing about this man is, is the fact that he works hard and long, but yet he still finds time for his family.


Body-

My father came from a close-knit family, but had a violent father. If he talked back to his father he would literally kick the living crap out of you. His mother, however, was very loving and supportive. She came to all his sporting events that she could possibly go to, and his father went only once. Don’t get me wrong, my grandfather (his dad) is a great guy, but he wasn’t a great father. He was more of a drill sergeant than a father. He grew up with 3 brothers and a sister. He was the third son of the family, 2 of them older and 1 of them younger. In High School, my father played 3 sports, Football, Track, and Wrestling. My dad is still tied for 2nd place in Elk River High School in pole-vaulting after 23 years.

I asked my dad “who had the biggest impact on your life dad?” He said his wife made the biggest impact on his life. My dad met my mom when they were still in high school. They have been together ever since. He said his wife has made the biggest impact, because he “used to have a lot of bad habits, and she changed them.” “She would tell me what I could and couldn’t do at times and she kept me on the straight and narrow while I was in my early twenties.”

Immediately after he graduated from Elk River High School he started working full time for the Creamette Company (a pasta manufacturing company). He continued to work there for 15 years to support his family. In his 12th year at the Creamette Company he decided he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life working in a factory. He went back to college while working full time at the Creamette Company. He juggled full time work and full time school as well as spending time in the Minnesota Army National Guard one weekend every month. It was a treacherous schedule, but he stuck to it because he had a goal. His goal was to complete college and have the career he wanted for the rest of his working life. A career in law enforcement was his focus.


He decided he wanted to work in law enforcement because it ran in his family. He knew all about law enforcement, and he felt as though it was something he could do successfully. He went to North Hennepin Community College for 2 years and received his degree in law enforcement. The first police department he applied for was Ramsey County, the next was Plymouth, and the third was Robbinsdale. Finally, he applied at the Woodbury Police Department, and out of 70 applicants, he got the job. He felt relieved, anxious, ecstatic, for himself and for his family. His first day on the job was February 21st, 1995. There wasn’t anything special that happened on that day, he was called to a few alarms and medicals, but if he had done that everyday for the past 15 years it would have been routine. He had a great feeling of satisfaction within himself.

At times the profession of a police officer isn’t a very joyous one. In April of 1999, he watched a man shoot himself. My father thought about walking over to where a man had been standing with his back to him to ask him what was wrong. My father didn’t know the man had a gun until the man shot himself. My father couldn’t believe the man shot himself. My dad had a look of complete shock on his face. Instantly my dad turned from police officer to paramedic. The man who shot himself with a 12 gauge in the chest later died from his wounds. This happened 4 years ago, it is still stuck in my dad’s mind.

My dad has watched people die right before him, and yet he still continues to be happy, and support his family. No, not on one occasion, but many. Could you imagine, having a career in which you will watch people die, and have the possibility to be killed every second you are on the job? I couldn’t, what possessed my father to take this job? What? It is his passion, that’s what. It’s his family, it’s his desire to provide for his family. He takes great pride in making a difference in people’s lives.

Could you imagine taking a potentially lethal job, just to support your family? Does that speak volumes about this person? If it doesn’t show what kind of person this is to you, I honestly think you need some help. I’m sorry, but you do. This man is so amazing, it’s unbelievable. This is the life he has to live, in order to satisfy himself, and his family. He continues to come home every night, to a happy family that is just glad he is alive and well.

My dad has always said to take the good with the bad, and if you wanted an example, Jeff (last name removed) would be the perfect example. In May of 1998, my father went to a call of a man in cardiac arrest at a local business. When he got there the man was clinically dead. My dad dragged him out of the back and brought him out to the front, so he could have more room to work. My dad brought him out of cardiac arrest, which means my dad brought him back from the dead. (point and read some of visual)

Its funny, my dad’s profession requires him to save lives everyday, and to some it remains one of the most disrespected professions in the world. He doesn’t get near enough credit as he deserves. Names such as Pig, bacon boy, donut dunker, he hears everyday from cop haters. I couldn’t imagine hating police officers that much, knowing that one day I could be in need of their assistance. These are police officers that put their lives on the line everyday so YOU can feel safe. Yet many people still treat them like the dirt they walk on. It is not the life to live.

Conclusion-

With getting little respect, for so much dedication, I just don’t get how my dad continues to go on as happy of a person as he is. He’s lead the most interesting life I have ever heard of. He could be described as a work-aholic. But then again, he couldn’t. Work-aholics tend to not be able to do family activities a lot and we are a very close knit. My dad is very caring, brutally honest, and one of the most passionate people I have ever met.

[txinvestigator1]

Originally posted by Cobra
[B]Hey all, I've got one more paper that I wrote, and this one is about my dad for an English course. It'd be great if anybody could read this, and critique it.

Introduction-

This man you will hear about is the definition of hard work, dedication, devotion, and self-sacrifice. The great thing about this man is, is the fact that he works hard and long, but yet he still finds time for his family.

Too many uses of the word "is". You have it on both sides of a comma. This is also a comma splice. Take out one "is" and kill the comma.

You biggest mistakes I notice are the uses of the commas. A comma is used to seperate items in a list, or to identify two phrases in a sentance.

My father came from a close-knit family, but had a violent father

You correctly used the comma before a coordinating conjunction, but you did not complete the second phrase. It should read, "My father came from a close-knit family, but he had a violent father"

When using a comma with words like "and, or, but" you should be able to end the first phrase with a period, remove the comma and coordinating conjunction, and use the last phrase as a sentance, like this; "My father came from a close-knit family. He had a violent father."

see?

[Cobra]

Yes, I do.

Fixed now.

How was it for content, etc?

[greenlead]

"who had the biggest impact on your life, dad?” (add comma before dad)

February 21, 1995 (drop the st)

"My dad dragged him out of the back" (of the house?)

"Its funny," (you mean 'It's funny')

He doesn’t get near enough credit as he deserves (reword, perhaps: 'The amount of credit he gets isn't anywhere near the amount that he actually deserves.' Perhaps?)

With getting little respect, for so much dedication, I just don’t get how my dad continues to go on as happy of a person as he is. (reword: 'Amazingly, my father continues to be happy, despite the lack of respect that he gets and the great amount of time that he dedicates to serving his community.')

Good content, I think.

Hope this helps.