Help

[raked]

This may be somewhat long so please bear with me. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here as it's not exactly law enforcement related, but I'm sure it's something you gentlemen have dealt with.

Last night I very nearly committed suicide. I'm not looking for sympathy or a pity party. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me "everything will be ok" so I hope you don't get that impression.

I don't want to bore you with all of the details or my life story, but let's just say I'm an average middle class guy. I'm a small business owner with an amazing wife and a 2 year old little boy who I love with all of my heart.

But I'm stressed. Everybody gets stressed, right? But my stress goes very deep. It's been building over the past 2 years and lately has hit exponential levels, relating to everything from business problems to the struggle of taking care of a family. I feel like at this point I'm simply attending life as opposed to living life, droning through every day like a zombie until I can go to sleep just to start it again the next day.

Last night I turned to a crutch... alcohol. It's seems to be something I'm doing a lot of lately. I went to a bar and drank myself into a stupor. I left and hit an ATM on the way home, emptying both my personal and business accounts to leave cash for my family.
I came into my house, into my bedroom where my wife was sleeping and took our handgun out of the closet. I left the cash on the bedpost and went downstairs and took a beer from the fridge. I sat on the couch in our living room, set the beer and the gun on the coffee table and debated which one to put in my mouth. I'm honestly not sure how long I was sitting there. It felt like days.

My wife woke up and came into the room just as I was picking up the gun. She flew over to me and started fighting me for the gun. At first I resisted... but then I let her have it as I didn't want it to accidently go off and hurt her.

She started screaming at me to think of our son. I broke down crying like a 10 year old little girl. My wife has never seen me cry. I felt so pathetic... that I wasn't even man enough to deal with life's little "issues".

I secretly went to a therapist once a few months ago and thought he was full of ****... a waste of $235/hr. He claimed I was depressed and all he wanted to do was drug me up. I don't like drugs and have never thought nor believed that life's problems can be washed away by a pill. Ironic though that at times I think alcohol will do it...

Today I couldn't look my family in the eye. My wife hugged me tight before she went to work, and now here I sit in front of a computer looking for some answers.

Being that you gentlemen have probably dealt with the aftermath of a suicide before I guess I'm here to ask what type of resources might be available to me as a matter of prevention. I'm clear headed today, but I honestly do not trust myself at this point.

Any advice would be appreciated. If this isn't the proper venue to ask I completely understand.

Thank you.

[Citicop]

A fast Google search of "[your city] suicide hotline" will turn up a bunch of primary resources... phone numbers to call, websites to visit, etc. That's as good a place to start as any.

It's good that you realize that you have a problem and are willing to seek help for it.

But I would caution you on this: I realize that you "don't like drugs" and believe that you can't solve your problems with a pill.

BUT

If the way you are feeling is being cause by a chemical imbalance, then I say you need to treat that problem. If you were having pain in your knee (or a problem with your appendix, or any other medical issue), and they gave you drugs to help it, you probably would not hesitate to take them. Problems with mental health are health problems just like anything else.

It doesn't make you "less of a man" to need help dealing with life. *EVERYONE* needs help dealing with life. There's not a cop on this forum that has all the answers or can get by without support and backup.

If you don't have a medical condition that requires medication, there are still plenty of counselors and therapists (who don't/can't prescribe meds) out there who can give you a safe place to talk, vent, and work with you to develop strategies to help you cope and deal with whatever underlying issues are causing things to seem that bad.

-Citicop.

[pafindr]

+1 to what Citicop says!

Some years ago I felt myself going in the same direction as you, the only difference was that I caught it early on. I felt myself going into a downward spiral but I didn't turn to alcohol or illegal drugs. I didn't want to turn into my father who turns to alcohol to help with his issues.
Instead I started going to a counselor and she determined I was depressed. She suggested I go to a doctor so I could get prescribed meds. I do not like drugs, not even aspirin but when pain is bad enough (severe headache or muscle pain) I do have to take something. If you were diabetic would you take insulin? Of course you would depression meds are no different.
With depression there could be an imbalance that has to be corrected or your depression gets worse. The meds that I was taking didn't make me feel off or weird. They helped me feel normal enough to work through the issues I had. Since I caught it early enough I was only on the meds for about 12 months. The meds take a couple weeks to build up in your system before you start feeling better. Then, when your doctor has determined that you are well enough he will gradually get you off them (smaller and smaller doses over a few months).
Counseling was a God send to me and the help that the therapist provided was well worth it.
Even though you may not think so at the moment your family loves you and needs you to be a part of their lives. Do everything you can to stay with your family, they need you more than you can imagine.

[raked]

Thank you both for the kind words. I have located a therapist that does not prescribe medication and I'm going to give it a try again.

I apologize for bringing this to a law enforcement forum, I just figured that you folks have probably dealt with suicidal people before and could point me in the right direction.

Again, thank you and God bless.

[ChesCopPodz]

I want you to send a private message to Retdetsgt. I won't tell you why you need to contact him without his permission, but you need to contact him.

[Citicop]

I want you to send a private message to Retdetsgt. I won't tell you why you need to contact him without his permission, but you need to contact him.

Second that.

And NEVER apologize for seeking help. If we were able to nudge you in the right direction then it will be the most important thing I was involved in today.

-Citicop.

[limeade]

I can't say that I've never been seriously depressed. It happens man, you have to do what's going to make you happy. Take the needed steps and work your way forward, ever so slowly if you have to. A lot of the sadness from depression comes from the fact that we always think we are alone, that no one else feels this way, that it's weak to be sad but the reality is in some way or another everyone travels down this road once or more in their lives. Good luck to you sir.

[MikeG]

I want you to send a private message to Retdetsgt. I won't tell you why you need to contact him without his permission, but you need to contact him.

I'll add that if you feel so low that suicide is the answer and a pill isn't, you're on the wrong side of the equation. The reality is that depression medication doesn't wash away your problems, but it helps you see that your problems aren't worth killing yourself. When you are that low, you lose perspective and anything (including medication) should be on the table to help you regain it. Also try on different therapists until you are comfortable. If they come across as full of it, find another one that you don't feel that way about. But make sure you get help.

[SANE-A30]

I agree with all the advice that has been given 100x over (great advice guys) I also wanted to add most people do view depression as a form of Weakness when in reality it is an illness a very dictating and controlling illness. The fact that you was brave enough to post this on a open forum screams to me you want to do the right thing. Trust me a gunshot to the head is not the answer I have had my share of taking care of failed suicide attempts. The first step is seeking helP and then determining what it is that you wish you could change or control about your life. I believe people turn to suicide because it's the one thing they feel they can have comPlete control over. Your family does need you more then you realize ...you will be in my prayers .. I have been where you are when I was a teenager its very scary to feel this way. I committed myself to church and seeked my refuge there. There is always a brighter side. Praying you continue to get the help you need.

[retdetsgt]

Been there, nearly did that too. My ex came in while I was adjusting the gun to get the brain stem.

First, lay off the booze! It's a depressant and makes things like that sound like a good idea. If alcohol is part of the problem, get to an AA meeting. There are lots of people there who will do just about anything to help you, really. They saved my life.

Get some therapy. You may have to go to several before you find one you trust and like, but do it. I went through 3 before I found somebody I could talk to.

Don't entertain the idea at all. If you do that, it will sound more and more like a good idea, it's not. If suicide comes into your head, go clean your bathroom or something. It will keep you busy, give you a good feeling of accomplishment and everybody likes a clean bathroom. I'm deadly serious, it works.

Don't believe everything you think. Remember, if the guy next to you said to you what you say to yourself, you'd have to kill him. Look for things to be grateful for instead. And if you sit and really think about it, you can come up with a lot. You're not dying of painful, terminal disease, there are people who love you (not everyone can say that), etc. etc. etc.

Hang in there. There is nothing that booze won't make worse and stop for moment and think what your suicide would do to the ones you love.

[raked]

I'm amazed at all of the responses here. Thank you again to everyone.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple days. I find it very odd that as long as I was sitting on my couch my wife walked in at the exact moment she did. I don't want to sound all "divine intervention" like... but it strikes me as though I was being told something.

I've never had a drinking problem until recently, but I dumped all of the booze in our house yesterday. It will require more of an effort to go to the store to get more vs walking to the liquor cabinet so I suppose it will make me think twice.

At this point I feel more ashamed than anything... I almost made my child fatherless. I see a therapist tomorrow, hopefully he will be better than the last.

I certainly don't expect some magical "fix"... well I'm not really sure what I'm expecting. I'll just have to wait and see.


You folks have been great. I'll be sure to stop in from time to time and let you know that I'm still kicking.

[raked]

Forgot -

A personal note to retdetsgt - I truly commend your strength and thank you for sharing you're experiences. You're advice is sound and I will be sure to refer to it in the future.

[retdetsgt]

Good! As I said, it may take trips to several therapists until you find one you like, but try. Also, talk to your family doctor. After I retired, I took anti-depressants for about 6 or 7 years. They don't make you high or anything like that, but they relieve a lot of the free floating anxiety. They do make a difference and they aren't something that can be abused like a lot of drugs. If you can quit booze without help, that's great. But AA is pretty cheap therapy in itself.

[SANE-A30]

That's great!!! And a very healthy start I'm still praying for you. I also wanted to add that last year I
Was going through health issues and became pretty depressed and I stumbled across the book 29 gifts.. It's about a lady that has a crippling diease and her husband leaves her for another woman so to help
Cope with her depression she designed 29 gifts for 29 days you give to random people...it might sound
Dumb but it really does work you use your thinking to think of what gift you can give it's a distraction from
The negetative I made it to day 14. I would prepay a persons lunch at work tell the cashier the 5th person that walks through the door use this to buy their lunch. It could be the gift of time even reading a book to your child etc..... It works

[DragonLady]

Raked,you got excellent advice from all and you now seem to be on the right track to getting help but please let me,the mom of a suicide victim,relay to you what suicide does to those left behind. The sense of loss is greater because the survivors feel they could/should have been able to stop it. The guilt of the parent for not raising their child better because the child didn't turn to them in a time of need is great. Children left behind wonder if it was their fault and are looked at differently by other kids because of it.

In todays world the parents are ashamed to admit their kid had problems big enough to die over and not given the skills to ask for help or see any signs before hand. The anger and loss are 10x greater for parents and siblings as they continue on with their lives without you,not understanding fully why you're gone of having been given the chance to hold you,listen to you,cry with you,hug you or get you to a Dr.


I went through major depression,landing up in the psych ward for a brief stay,before my boy ever committed suicide,so I knew how he felt but I also knew he could have gotten help. Prozac for 9 months cured me and I've never gone through depression again even after his death. I knew what was causing mine and therapy wouldn't have helped but the pills did. Keep an open mind about the pills as simply knowing why you're depressed doesn't always mean it'll take it away. I'd rather be known as depressed and on medication than to be known as depressed and a suicide risk! I didn't need babysat or to spend hour upon hour talking about my life,I needed the medication! I knew why I was depressed and was unable to fight it off on my own and it got worse and worse until I had to call my daughter and have her take me to the ER. I began to feel better in a week and was able to move on and be pill free,happy and capable of dealing with my sons' death from being in his shoes before hand.

None the less,his death is and will be a dark cloud over me the rest of my days and the loss to me is almost more than I can handle some days so when I hear of someone almost doing it or even thinking about it,my heart just goes out to them 125% and I will try to change their minds if I can. If even one person has NOT wanted to try suicide again because of my telling them who suffers after THEIR pain is gone,then I've made my sons' death worth something! He asked for no help,left no note and made no calls! You reaching out is very admirable and you definately will be ok before too long!

God bless you and your family and you have my most heartfelt wishes for a long and happy life! Sorry so long but thank you for letting me give you the impact of suicide from a mom who lost someone because of it! (He had/has 2 sons he left behind!)