Worried about my husband

[LoveMyFamily]

Hi I am new to the forum. I sought out a police forum because I am very worried about my husband and I need advice.

My husband is a police officer (8 years) and he suffers from depression. He is currently doing an 11pm to 7am shift and if is really making his depression worse. I thought he just needed some time to adjust, but it has been 6 months and he is going down hill fast.

We have been in marriage counseling for about a year due to his depression and issues he has from childhood. Our therapist thinks he should not be working the overnight shift as it is affecting his brain chemistry.

Does anyone know if it is possible to have your shift switched due to medical issues. He is currently the low man on the totem poll and is stuck with the overnight shift. He doesn't mine doing his time, but he is also aware of the toll it is taking on him mentally. Has anyone ever heard of a medically necessary shift switch.

He has done the overnight in the past without issue. He was working the day shift for the last couple of years as an SRO, but the funding for that was cut and it was back to midnights.

He is really slipping deep into depression and I am worried about him.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Sgt. Slaughter]

I've never heard of a shift swap due to medical reasons, but I haven't worked half as long as some people on this board have. I wouldn't say it's impossible. Not knowing how his department works, only he can find out whether or not that's possible and it's ultimately dependent upon them to allow it. I'm asuming that he already knows the answer or doesn't want to ask his employer, otherwise you wouldn't be here. You can't ask on his behalf.

What you've described is not a medical condition unless he's depressed due to a chemical imbalance that's controlled through drug therapy. While there are well-documented physiological responses to living and working outside standard 'day shift' hours, I haven't heard of shift work affecting 'brain chemistry'.

If his psychological issues are affecting him as much as you say, he should check into taking a leave of absence and get REAL treatment. There's also a big difference between a 'therapist' and a clinical psychologist and marriage counselors are not qualified to treat psychological disorders. If he so chooses, he needs to see a psychologist, not a counselor or therapist. If he's found to have or believed to have some sort of neurological chemical issues, he can see a psychiatrist which is able to prescribe medication and remedy the problem.

I hope he gets the help he needs and gets past his issue as soon as possible for him. Good luck to you and your family.

[LoveMyFamily]

Thanks for responding. My husband does see a therapist, psychiatrist and his primary care Dr. He is on antidepressant medication and visits his the therapist weekly. He has also tried getting a minimum of 7-8 hours of sleep, eating right, and exercise 4 times a week. It doesn't seem to be working and he is more withdrawn from the family. We have 2 daughters 6 and 4 who ask me often "what's wrong with daddy?" It really is sad and upsetting. He knows he has changed and it has become a snowball effect that makes him feel worse about how he has been acting.

None of these behaviors happened when he was working the day shift. He still had his issues with his childhood, but it wasn't a deep rooted depression like I see now. He is always tired, complains of weird "phantom illnesses", irritable and is easily angered. He is not the same guy of 6 months ago.

I have asked him to talk to his chief about switching his shift, but he does not want to go there. he feels that it is a union issue and it can't be changed. Then if it can't be changed, his chief will think he is unstable or something.

ugh!!!!!

[Sgt. Slaughter]

Working graveyard is definitely much more of a difficult thing to do with a family. Trying to sleep when your internal clock is screwed up; while everyone else is up and running around (especially 2 girls who are at the 'squeal and giggle' stage); fighting the sunlight; trying to handle work at night with family business during a couple hours of daylight... I know, I've done it. I, however, did not have compounding issues like he does.

It's my personal (non-medical or psychiatric) opinion that a marriage counselor isn't what he needs right now, unless his issue is related to you. He should be seeing a psychologist to work through his personal issues. Once he fixes himself or he feels like he's on the mend, you will most likely see improvements in your marital relationship. At that time, if you desired, you could return to a marriage counselor.

Depression, for any reason, can be a dark and harrowing experience. Not only for the one who suffers, but the concerned family and friends. Spouses are used to being able to help - that's part of the design of marriage. Unfortunately, there are certain things that cross a couples' path every now and then, that the partner cannot really 'do' anything to help. This may be one of those as I can read the frustration in your words. Let him know you're always there to love him, support him and help him get better.

He may also be worried about letting his work know what's going on. If the department thinks he's 'unstable', he may be pulled from duty and feel like he's cast aside. This isn't the most touchy-feely job on the planet. There is still a stigma attached to those who seek help for mental health issues, although that seems to be waning a bit.

Let him know about this forum. He's more than welcome to sign on and PM me, or he may be comfortable getting a Verified LEO tag and venting in the area restricted only to cops.

[JakeLock]

Your husband needs to go to his superiors and be honest about the current situation. They need to know that the mental health of one of their officers is at risk. They should be able to work something out quietly with him, and if they have any other help (IE therapy, etc.) he should take them up on the offer. It is my opinion that the mental health of LE is severley overlooked. The things we see and have to deal with on a daily basis takes a toll on even the toughest of characters. He needs to let them know so they can help him.

I agree with Sgt. unless it's an issue you two have between each other the marriage couselor isn't going to help, he needs to see a therapist. I myself have been through therapy since starting the job due to a few work and non-work related issues and it helped me tremendously and I am still a productive member of my office.

Encourage him to seek the help of his supervisors as soon as possible before things spiral further out of control and his job and your relationship are beyond repair.

Good luck.

[Samuel]

Have him contact his union and see if he can take a leave of absence and use his sick time for "injured on duty - stress related". IMabsolutelyuneducatedO, he/you need to deal with the root cause(s) of his depression - I doubt changing shifts is going to solve the problem(s).

[amynryan]

I agree that he should take a leave of absence so he can take some time to figure out if the midnight shift is really the reason why his depression is worsening. Sometimes, it could just simply be the depression that's worsening and have nothing to do with his shift. I grew up with a mother who suffered a brain injury that caused a chemical imbalance that lead to severe depression. If he switched medications recently, that can also have something to do with it. Or, if he's been on a medication for too long, it can also be less effective then what it used to be. Depression is a very complicated problem to treat and many people go through a variety of medications. Maybe he should talk to his doctors about possibly switching, or he can add abilify to his current anti depressant. My mother is on prozac and abilify, and she is almost back to her old self. Just a suggestion, not giving medical advise but I work in a pharmacy and have a lot of people tell me how great abilify is. I am also a midnight shifter and it took me about a year to physically and mentally adjust to it. It's a completely different way of life and it can make you feel alone even when you're involved with someone. Best thing to do for now is to make sure you spend as much quality time with him as you can. Also, try and kick him into a routine so he doesn't sleep the whole day away. It worked for me

[Ne_Smokey_Bear]

Beyond the shift how much sleep does he get? I know I had problems when I was only getting 3-4 hours a night after my daughter was born. A dark room is good, tin foil over windows works great. No alcohol before bed makes for a better quality of sleep.

Does he have an exercise routine? I know that when I exercise vigorously on a regular basis (4-5 days a week) my mood is a lot better.

Diet? A healthier diet makes for a better mood as well, lean protein with lots of fruits and vegetables. Stay away from the fatty foods that can be gotten at the all night places. Soda is bad as well.

I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV but those are all things that helped to bring my mood around when I work nights.

It sounds like your husband has some serious deep seated issues though and will need more than my home remedies. Just keep supporting him as best you can and pushing him to stay healthy.

[policefamily10]

To LoveMyFamily,

WOW! I wonder if I typed your message in my sleep. I am going through the exact same thing! My husband comes from a family of police officers. They all got out of it. I come from a background of law enforcement, so I know a lot of what to expect, and how to deal/handle a lot of issues. BUT___My husband too has a childhood issue. He is constantly trying to get his father's approval. He is constantly trying to prove to his mom's side of the family that he is somebody. He works a rotating shift. We have done the whole diet, exercise, and other stuff. Thing is he has made a name for himself. A very good name, because of the person and the officer that he is. But, he has seen a lot just in the 6 years he has been doing this. Our small town has gotten really bad in just a few years. He is depressed. Here is a new spin though. We have no children together. I can no longer have any more, and he does not want any "babies". He is a big guy and terrified of hurting them. I have 4 children from previous. All young age. My husband took on a wife and 4 young children, and has treated them like his own. I struggled at first with marrying him because of this. Only because I wanted to make sure he understood what he was taking on and is it really what he wanted. So far for 3 years he has been a trooper. But, with the added stress of being promoted, all the stuff from above, a police officer's pay, it has taken a big toll on our family. He treats the two oldest and talks to them like criminals. They love him dearly, but they are scared to speak to him because he might be mad at them. We literally this week have been on the last strings of staying together. The two oldest had a rough enough time with the divorce from their father. The oldest went through even more because he saw more. It is so hard for me to see the hurt in their eyes. I love my husband dearly, but I have a duty as a mother to protect them.

How do we help our Policemen, and women. Agencies like what ours works for have nothing to help them cope and deal with what they deal with on a day to day basis. It is left up to them to seek help. My husband in the short time has had 3 people commit suicide in front of him. If he was to seek help, reach out to his department, or take a leave of absence it would put us financially through the ringer, and we are already experiencing hard times. He has dealt with a lot. Our men help others, but how do we help them?

I know this is not advice, but more reaching out and letting you know someone does understand what you are going through. I guess it is not really a comfort, but a hope seeing someone else reaching out with a similar situation.

Well, thanks for reading, sorry it is so long.

just me

[MikeG]

How close is he with other officers? Would one of the day shift guys be willing to switch for a few months to see if it helps?

I have the same "it's only my own opinion" cavreat as everyone else. What I see is a general reluctance to ask for help. No one wants to be perceived as weak or a liability or "less than a man" in this profession. The term "man up" is used a lot.

But turned around, when it's that serious, they will be there for him. Few cops want to take advantage of that unless they are dead because they think the other officers will look down on them as weak even though the condition is temporary and he has an excellent reputation.

So my advice is to encourage/force/cajole him into going before either a few friends or his supervisor or whoever at the department he is close to and say "I need help. Can you help me?" and explain everything. yeah, he's going to feel vulnerable. Yeah, he might think they are going to look down on him. But if it's in a department or squad worth working in, they will rally around him and do what it takes. Just as he would do what it takes to help his buddies through a similar problem. Ask him what he would do if his partner came to him with this problem? (anything he possibly could is probably the answer). Then ask him why he would think his partner would do anything less? Ask him what he would do for any hardworking officer at the station that had the same issue. Would he trade his day shift assignment for 3 months? Would the entire day shift do rotations with him so he could be on days for a bit and each day shift officer pulled a night shift to help him? I'd bet they would all do that. I'd bet he would do it for them. I bet he has probably already pulled extra duty to help out a fellow officer. And if he thinks they wouldn't do it for him, ask him why he thinks their character is less than his own? The answer of course is that it isn't and he doesn't think that. He basically has to decide if his pride and ego are more important than his health and marriage. He has to be able to confront how serious this is and he may need to reach bottom before he asks for help. He may think it's just a "mental toughness" issue and not really medical.

And if his shift and buddies and supervisor and doctor determine he shouldn't be on patrol, that's a good thing, not a bad thing and he should listen and get through this so he can get healthy again.

Good luck.