The DUI in 2008 is about 3 years old and the drugs are 4 years old. You are going to have to wait much longer. Even if you meet the minimum standards for employment you are competing against many people who do not have the skeletons in their closets you have in yours. The possible theft from your previous employer also won't go over well. I realize we don't have the whole story with that, but it is going to be a tough sell. Time is your friend. You will need to sit on the sidelines for a very long time to overcome the obstacles you have told us about.
Drugs for most places I have worked is a mandatory 5 year wait. Just to be minimally qualified, and again you are going up against many people who do not have the baggage you are carrying around. I would expect to have to wait at least another 5-10 years and that's if the economy improves and agencies start hiring again.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security.
Translation for the intellectually challenged: If the government screws the people too much, it is the right and duty of the people to revolt and form a new government.