Funniest comment ever made at roll call?

[H.R. Cufnstuf]

Discuss

[retdetsgt]

You first.

[Citicop]

I can think of a THOUSAND funny comments that have been made at roll call.

But none of them would make sense to even the other cops here because they are almost exclusively "inside jokes" in that they would require people to know the histories of the officers involved in order to "get" them and see the humor.

-Citicop.

[BJJVad]

Did you ever hear about the one with the transient, a tire iron, and a midget?

[H.R. Cufnstuf]

We had a guy make a very serious "officer safety" announcement during roll call, warning not to use a certain kind of menthol Axe soap on one's genitals.

[Samuel]

I can't remember all the funnies at briefing (unfortunately :( ) but I do remember laughing my *** off for 5-10 minutes straight from time to time... :D Ahhh something else I miss about Patrol...

[L-1]

Every so often I would get bored and slip a fake training bulletin into the briefing book. Then I would sit quietly in the back of the room and see who was paying attention. The sergeants would mindlessly read the briefing items, never paying attention to the words they were repeating from off the paper. Similarly, most officers would tune out, never paying attention to what the sergeant was saying.

Those who were paying attention would pop their heads up like prairie dogs when the briefing item was read and look at each other as if to ask "WTF, did he really say that?" At one point, a Division Chief saw the bulletin and believing it was real, wrote a letter to the Chief, complaining that this was the dumbest training material to ever come out of Headquarters. Because there was no such bulletin, the Chief deemed the Division Chief to be a nut case and the two were locked in a urinating contest for years. But, I digress.

Below please find the text of the Flashlight Training Bulletin. Please feel free to copy it onto your department's letterhead and slip it into your briefing book when no one is looking.

FLASHLIGHTS

The first working flashlight was invented in 1902 by Mathew Lombard in Danbury, Connecticut. It weighed 32 pounds and had to be held by three men. It gave light for about two minutes and then exploded in a freak accident, blinding the inventor for life. It wasn't until the invention of the dry cell battery in 1915 that the flashlight became the lightweight streamlined instrument we use today. Indeed, the dry cell battery is the heart of every flashlight, just as film is the heart of every camera. In fact, if you take proper care of your flashlight, there is no reason why it wont give you years of trouble free service.

Mr. Myles Ludwig, President of the American Dry Cell Institute, offers this pertinent advice to all police officers:

1. Always put your batteries in a plastic sleeve before inserting them in your flashlight. This shields flashlight parts from corrosion.

2. When not in use, remove the batteries from your flashlight and store them in a cool, dark place. Batteries should be kept in a soft chamois bag or cigar humidor if possible.

3. Never keep batteries for more than five years. After this time, they leak a dangerous, invisible gas that can seep into your clothes and create holes similar to moth damage. Many people confuse battery gas holes with moth holes. Battery gas holes are more symmetrical and less irregular than moth holes. Check your batteries before wasting money on moth repellent.

4. Before inserting batteries in your flashlight, roll them between you thighs for a few minutes to "warm them up." Using a battery from a cold start puts a tremendous drain on it. The investment of a few minutes warm up time will add hours of service.

5. After using your flashlight, wash it thoroughly in soap and hot water so that no tiny iron particles from the battery cling to the insides. Iron particles reduce a battery's effectiveness and can transmit a magnetic field through the flashlight into your hand causing "flashlight fatigue," which makes the instrument feel much heavier that it usually is.

William Howard Taft called flashlights, "our seeing eye dogs of the night." Indeed, the flashlight is our second pair of eyes. Treat it as you would your own eyes and it will reward you with precious light in the darkness.