Kid was charged with DUI, parental strategies

[pissedparents]

We found out this past weekend our older kid (early 20's) was charged with DUI. We were extremely PO'd with him and even more so when when we found out that he blew 1.7.

My wife is so pissed at him. Every weekend he goes out, she nags at him, don't drink and drive, how are you getting home etc.
From the time the kids were very young, we always told them, if you need a ride, call us, no questions asked, we'll come and pick you up.

It's very frustrating. He could have easily killed himself, his passengers, or someone else.
He could easily lose his job, because it requires him to drive (service work)

After a discussion with my wife, we decided we are not supporting him in any way financially, through this. He made this bed, so if it costs him big $$, maybe he'll learn something.

I was also initially tempted to raise his rent, or boot him out.

I had second thoughts, though. I've (unfortunately) seen the damage done to people who have drinking problems.
I thought maybe, I can institute, that if he wants to stay living at our home, he has to do some sort of program.

First step, we think, is that on Friday nights and Saturday nights, his car stays at home, and doesn't move.


Other than that, do you guys know, or can you suggest, a program, or ideas?
I think he's young enough, that maybe (I hope) I can have some impact on him.

[retdetsgt]

He's still your kid. He made a mistake, a big one, granted. But a mistake. Unless he appears to have a drinking problem, he probably learned his lesson. Most people get one DUI and they never do it again, it generally takes an alcoholic to continue doing the same thing.

Let the system take care of it, if he's in his 20's he's not a little kid. Don't treat him as one. If he doesn't change, then do something, but for now I'd support him.

[mobrien316]

I think letting him pay for the consequences himself is a good idea. If he doesn't have the cash for an attorney perhaps you can loan it to him, but not before working out a schedule of repayment. I would make sure he is caused some serious inconvenience by this arrest (and everything that follows, i.e. - attorney costs, possible license suspension, mandatory alcohol classes, etc...) so he gets the message. You don't want to throw him to the wolves but he should, IMHO, be forced to accept responsibility for his poor choice.

[Cat_Doc]

I agree with my colleagues. He is a grown man and has to suffer the consequences, hopefully to learn and grow.

There is nothing wrong with helping him stand up after this fall, but don't make the mistake of carrying him. His burden would then become yours. Make him carry his own weight.

There is a high percentage of people who don't respond as long as they are enabled. They have to hit a low area where they can hopefully find that light switch and turn it on his self. It is only then that they can see their way out. You can hold a flashlight for him, but how do you know he is looking the same direction you are pointing it?

Good luck to you.

[greg72982]

Most people get one DUI and they never do it again, it generally takes an alcoholic to continue doing the same thing.

Wow really? I think it's a 3 DUI minimum around here before people learn.

[retdetsgt]

Wow really? I think it's a 3 DUI minimum around here before people learn.

The repeaters are the ones you remember.

The problem with alcohol is that after a couple of drinks, you know better. But a few more and the booze starts telling you that "you're not that bad".

The arrest is then the wake up call for most people because it scares the hell out of them. Alcohols minimize the experience.

[Ispbear]

..... Alcohols minimize the experience.

The problem with a true alcoholic is that they function somewhat normally while over the legal limit. To them, they don't feel impaired because they don't know anything different.

[mcsap]

It wasn't a mistake. It was either a careless or a reckless act but he knew what he was doing and gambled he would be OK. He needs to be told exactly that. He may have thought he was OK because he got away with it for so long but he got caught.

A mistake is when you leave the house and you find out your socks dont match.

[CCBlueMan]

... he blew 1.7.

I'm assuming you mean .17? 1.7 is technically impossible. Not that it matters, just saying.

But either way, let him take care of the problem on his own. As far as programs he can go to? There's always AA if you think it's that bad. Or just check the internet for counseling he can go to. I know around here the people I lock up for DUI always come in saying they attended this counseling or that since getting arrested. If you have trouble finding what you're looking for online, then just tell your son to ask his lawyer.

[retdetsgt]

It wasn't a mistake. It was either a careless or a reckless act but he knew what he was doing and gambled he would be OK. He needs to be told exactly that. He may have thought he was OK because he got away with it for so long but he got caught.

A mistake is when you leave the house and you find out your socks dont match.

A mistake is an error in judgement.

–noun
1.
an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2.
a misunderstanding or misconception.

Alcohol impairs that judgement.

[greg72982]

I know around here the people I lock up for DUI always come in saying they attended this counseling or that since getting arrested. If you have trouble finding what you're looking for online, then just tell your son to ask his lawyer.

That's one of the problems here, at least in all of the counties I have worked in. No one gets locked up. You get taken for blood then kicked loose. Not much of a deterrence factor there.


To get sentenced to jailtime you need at least 2 or 3 convictions.

[retdetsgt]

Mandatory jail here if there you're involved in an injury accident, no matter how slight the injury. Also these folks get a one year license suspension.

First offenders here are given the opportunity for diversion. (Not available for the above stated people) Second offense though and the first offense goes back on your record as well as the new one. Jail time is mandatory then, usually 30 days.

As I said before, the diversion generally works for most people. They get the idea and don't do it again.

[mcsap]

[quote=retdetsgt;1097636][quote=mcsap;1097605

A mistake is an error in judgement.

–noun
1.
an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2.
a misunderstanding or misconception.

Alcohol impairs that judgement.[/quote]

__________________________________________________ _______________________________

Obviously it impairs judgment. However , in my state ( and I am sure MANY others ) intoxication is NOT a defense. Otherwise everyone would say " I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing ".

Besides that , EVERYONE knows that alcohol impairs judgement BEFORE they take that first drink. To then say that they made a " mistake " of driving drunk or committing some other offense ...

I have NEVER met anyone who had someone hold a gun to their head and made them drink and than drive. Every time it was a willing and voluntary act. DUI is 100% preventable if people would actually take repsonsibility for what they do BEFORE they go out and drive.

I have no sympathy for anyone who drives while legally intoxicated.

[retdetsgt]

Obviously it impairs judgment. However , in my state ( and I am sure MANY others ) intoxication is NOT a defense. Otherwise everyone would say " I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing ".

You made a remark contradicting me when I said it was a mistake by playing semantics with that particular word. If you want to do that then let's use the standard English definition.

And of course it's not a defense. Not seeing a stop sign because you're preoccupied can be a mistake, but it's no defense either. And I never said that drinking was a defense nor did I say I had sympathy. I didn't say or imply that people aren't responsible for their mistakes. None of that was the point. He made an error in judgement, that has nothing to do with anyone pointing a gun at his head. Even if it was the alcohol that made him make the error in judgement, it's still an error in judgement and by definition, a mistake.

My point was the system will deal with him, the parents don't necessarily need to pile other punishments on him as long as he's taking responsibility for his actions. If he's not, that's another story.

[DeltaV]

First step, we think, is that on Friday nights and Saturday nights, his car stays at home, and doesn't move.

Other than that, do you guys know, or can you suggest, a program, or ideas?
I think he's young enough, that maybe (I hope) I can have some impact on him.

First, I don't know where you are because you did not say. That said, I would imagine that if he was arrested for DUI and blew a .17 that his license would have already been suspended? Some states may not operate that way, however that's the way it is down here. If he has a suspended license then he should not be driving PERIOD. That's only going to get him arrested again and subject him to more legal problems.

Secondly, there usually are programs for first time DUI offenders that involve court ordered substance abuse classes and the like. He may even be required to have an ignition interlock device (breathalyzer) wired into his car when he does get his license back. These are things that his attorney will be able to assist him with, as each state usually has standardized sanctions for DUI offenses. As for something like AA, that should only happen if you think he has a drinking problem. A one time DUI doesn't necessarily mean someone is an alcoholic.

I hope (for your sake) that he has his own car insurance. If he's under your policy, prepare for it to skyrocket. Twenty year olds are expensive enough to insure without having the DUI to raise the rates even more. If he is on your policy, you should either have him pay the difference, obtain his own policy, or stop driving altogether if he can't afford it.