What options do I have, if any?

[midnightline]

This is going to be a bit of a long story, but I'm hoping I can get an answer as to something that can be done...

An adult friend of mine is living in a very bad situation. She's at home with her mother, and her mother is extremely verbally abusive and mentally abusive in reguards to my friend. Anything my friend does, her mother tells her she's a totally worthless individual and couldn't possibly have done a worse job of it. I used to be able to call my friend and talk to her on the phone to console her (she lives in a different state)... when I was able to call, whenever she was on the phone with me, her mother was constantly yelling and berating her, so much so, that we could barely carry on a conversation, and eventually my friend would get so frustrated and depressed with all the yelling her mom did that she would give in and hang up. Well, things seem to have continually gotten worse over time. Her mom has now blocked my number and I can no longer get through. I would like to make sure my friend is ok (as her mother has pulled a knife on her in the past, when she's been particularly horrible), but even when I get other friends to call, my friend's mother cusses them out and hangs up on them.

I have never said anything mean to her mother, nor have I ever made any sort of threats at all... her mother won't even speak to me. I HAVE told my friend that her mother is a bad influence and that she ought to leave, but my friend lacks the resources and SEVERELY lacks the self-esteem to do so.

What can I do to find out if my friend is ok, and is there anything I can do in reguards to notifying the appropriate authorities to help her get out of that horrible situation?

[midnightline]

I suppose I should add that my friend's mother is bipolar, and though she's on medication, it doesn't seem to help. According to my friend, her mother doens't take her medication unless my friend supervises it.

[121Traffic]

I know around here in the smaller towns, PDs will sometimes do health and welfare checks...call the PD and detail the history of abuse, etc. Let us know...

[mcsap]

As an adult , it looks like she needs to move out. Why is she still living with her mom ? If her mom commits a crime ( pulls a knife) , why hasn't she called the police ? Sounds like she is letting herself be a doormat.

We will do welfare checks but not daily or weekly.

[darrell]

She can either call the police or you can obtain the number for their local agency and have them do a well being check or the residence.

[midnightline]

As an adult , it looks like she needs to move out. Why is she still living with her mom ? If her mom commits a crime ( pulls a knife) , why hasn't she called the police ? Sounds like she is letting herself be a doormat.

We will do welfare checks but not daily or weekly.

I've told her repeatedly she needs to move out, but as I said, she lacks the financial resources to do so. Furthermore, even with a bunch of her friends trying to help her out, whenever we think we've got her convinced to leave, her mom badgers her into staying. She is also convinced that her mother needs her to take care of her, but from the outside looking in, it appears that her mother just wants someone to berate and control.

As to the knife story, the way I understand it, her mom pulled a knife on her, she grabbed her mom's throat in self defense, both wound up in court and in jail overnight, and my friend refused to defend herself because she wanted it to be over with as fast as possible. I don't know exactly WHO separated them, but she was forced to move in with a friend... This lasted for a year or two, until her friend joined the reserves. Then, my friend moved back in with her mom.

She is very much letting herself be a doormat, and everything I've heard and seen has led me to believe that this is because of the way her mother and her brother treat her. Aside from the knife incident, I've not been told of any other incidents of her mother physically attacking her, but her mother mentally and emotionally abuses her. Her brother, I've been told, has done things like kick her dog, throw her across the room, and beat the crap out of her boyfriend. Whenever her brother winds up in jail, the mom bails him out and brings him home again. For the moment, her brother is living with his girlfriend, but he often winds up moving back home as well. And, according to the mom, the brother is the angellic one, and my friend is the waste of space and resources.

My friend hasn't called the police because she believes what her mother is doing is ok, making excuses for her mother. Her mother goes into a panic over the slightest little thing (I once listened to a conversation where her mother was freaking out -- and I mean literally panicking as if the world was going to end -- over having spilled wax on her shirt.) My friend is convinced that things not going perfect are justification for her mother cussing her and her friends out, yelling, breaking stuff, and otherwise throwing a fit. I've been over at my friend's house a total of once (as she's out of state), and her mother cannot manage to go thirty seconds without screaming at my friend at the top of her lungs.

Furthermore, my friend believes that the police will not take her side. According to her boyfriend, when my friend's brother beat him up, the police came and threatened to arrest the boyfriend instead. (Short backstory, the boyfriend said some unflattering things about the friend's mom in reguards to her treatment of my friend... so my friend's brother beat him bloody.) In general, from talking to my friend and her boyfriend, the local police seem to like her mother, and for whatever reason tend to side with her more than they do the other involved party. I can't say I've witnessed this myself, as I've never seen an interaction involving my friend's mom and the police, so it should be taken with a grain of salt, but nevertheless, my friend does not believe the police will help her. She also fears what her brother may do to her if she calls the police.

Other things... the brother and my friend's mother convinced my friend to write a series of bad checks, promising to pay my friend back. They did not. My friend lost her bank account and rights to have any sort of account for three years. Now, whenever my friend gets paid, her mom cashes the check and takes the money for her own bills. My friend has bills she cannot pay because her mother takes her pay and rarely gives her any of it. The only way my friend gets any bills paid is if another friend takes pity on her and pays them for her.

Needless to say, it's a very complicated and unpleasant dilemma... and being hundreds of miles away, I have no physical proof of any of this... just that my friend has confided this stuff to me. She's not a pathological liar, in my experience, so I have no reason to disbelieve her (and everything I heard over the phone when I was able to call and talk with her supports what she's said), but I doubt he-said-she-said is going to be of much help in any sort of legal aspect, so there's no help from that angle...

[greg6099]

Two issues.

(1) Over here (Queensland Australia), this issue could be addressed by The Domestic Violence & Family Protection Act. Wouldn't solve the problem but allows a DV Order to be put in place and allow outside agencies to intervene if necessary.

(2) Mum's irrational behaviour due to what appears to be an organic illness (Psychiatric condition). How can you expect to deal rationally with the irrational? If your adult friend is perpetuating the 'cycle of abuse' by remaining in the house and not taking action what are you supposeed to do?

Again, two alternatives for this issue in Qld, Aust.

(a) We could have mum arrested for the 'assault' with the knife. The Courts can have her placed before the Mental Health Tribunal and part of her sentance may involve mandatory attendence at a Psychiatric ward.

(b) Have mum assessed under our Mental Health Act by one of two methods. Police can attend at the request of any person who has concerns and we can do an EEO (Emergency Examination Order). This is normally reserved for those people who are way out there - attempting suicide; hearing voices and have invisible friends. WOuldn't apply in this scenario.

The concerned person can go before a Court and have a JEO (Justice's Examination Order) put in place. Police and an authorised person (Doctor and Psych Nurse) attend and assess mum at her home. A plan, if required, is made and mum is forced to attend for help and medication.

Your friend has to ake up and do something. Otherwise it goes nowhere until it turns sour and someone ends up at hospital....

[mcsap]

SHe needs to earn the resources to get out or go live in a shelter. I cannot be there to make a full judgement but if it has gone on this long, she is at least 50% to blame for staying.

[canuckofapeach]

What Mcsap said

[canuckofapeach]

Here in Ontario the mother could be taken into custody under the Mental Health Act 'Form 1' , wherein an individual will be admitted into a psychiatric facility for an involuntary assessment up to 72 hours. Perhaps a more aggressive approach in treatment could be undertaken as, according to your statement, the mother is not properly controlled by medication.

I can understand the concern for your friend yet the onus lies with her to extricate herself from this situation. While economic concerns are a harsh reality in today's world, this friend MUST find another roof over her head lest she be be physically hurt in the not-so-distant future. Seriously.

[mcsap]

What Peach said.

[sgtbear111]

Ditto
Peach, mcsap, greg6099.

midnightline
If either is a "danger to self or others" report to a mental health social worker. Do you have documented incidents i.e police reports, witnesses, or just her version?

If it's DV, jail works.

For now, you are probably best to remain several hundred miles away. This person may be a friend, you may care, but she is still in charge of her life.

[Island_Girl]

It's very easy to judge a situation if you've never been in it, and equally easy to judge if you aren't emotionally involved or know all the details. With that said, I think the best thing for you to do is to get ahold of a counselor who is knowledgeable on this type of situation (ie. the bipolar disorder and the effects it has on a family) and see if there can be some type of intervention that can be done to help your friend get out of this situation & get her some counseling as well. Furthermore, if the medication isn't working for the mother, she may become a threat to herself as well as her daughter. Suicide is a common occurrence among people with bipolar disorder who are not properly medicated.

As for the daughter and her unwillingness to leave ("save herself"), she has probably been worn down emotionally/psychologically and can't stand on her own. A boxer dog won't jump a fence until it KNOWS it can. This girl probably has no idea of what she's capable of because she's never tried. Emotional abuse can be crippling.