"My g/f lives in Burleson, and she's told me about KKK marches before, so there are some ultra-conservative types there." Sideshow.
Weird. Almost my whole family, parents, grandparents, etc. live or grew up in Burleson and I've lived two towns over for almost 20 years and I've never heard of any KKK marches there.
BTW, my cousin went to high school with Kelly Clarkson and my grandfather is on the city council. When that terrible movie with her and Justin came out the council got tickets to the premier and he wisely gave them to my little sister and she went with my grandmother. Bailey loved it, Granny did not.
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.