Leaving abusive husband

[Just a name]

I don't know if you're able or even willing to help, but this seemed like a good place to ask for advise. My friend has been married for six years, and she has three children with her husband. They've had a good marriage, and he is a really great guy. Unfortunately he started drinking (more then socially) about a year ago, and it has just gotten worse and worse. His personality completely changes when he's drunk and he gets verbally abusive and menacing. He has gotten physical with my friend many times and she has put up with it. But now he's gotten physical with the kids. Last night he picked up his 6 year old daughter and threw her across the room, and then prevented my friend from taking her to the hospital. He has also been driving with the kids in the car while he was drunk. Under normal circumstances she could call the police. But she can't because her husband is a NY State Trooper. She decided she wants to leave him because she needs to protect her kids but he has already threatened to 'hunt her down like a dog'. She can't go to a shelter in her county because he's been dispatched there many times. She is wondering if he would know the locations of other shelters in NY state too. Do troopers have access to that sort of information? I could see him trying to find her in one of those places. Would she be safer if she left the state? She already decided that she can't stay with family or friends because he'll find her there. Is there any advise you can give her about how to go about leaving him. She worries that he'll send the entire troop out after her or somehow track her down. I don't know what resources he would really have beyond what a civilian has. Any help is appreciated.

[mcsap]

1. Have her call a battered womens shelter and she needs to be ready to leave in SHORT notive. The child needs seen by a doctor.

2. They can refer her to another county. I guess I could find the location of a shelter in another county but there would be a record of me doing this.

3. She needs a court protective order. The battered womens shelter can give her this. She also should have a lawyer assist and contact the SP barracks to inform the commander of the allegations if not the incoming protection order.

4. She needs to stick with this , even if the kids are yanked out of school.

I hope that all of this isn't true but if it is...she needs to do what has to be done to protect herself and her kids.

I am not in NY so I do not know the NY laws. I am going by what I know in PA.

[retdetsgt]

Even the police in Oregon don't know the location of battered women's shelters. They do everything to keep their locations secret just because of cases like you describe. And by keeping them secret, they rarely, if ever have to call the police. If a resident has to make a police report, they go to a neutral location and meet the officer. It's a shame it's not that way there.

The NYSP command definitely need to be notified of this so they can start an investigation.

But at least get the ball rolling by making a police report to the local police. In some states, that will automatically get him disarmed, I don't know about NY though.

[Legoate]

Cops don't cover for cops who beat their wives and kids. She should call the police. There isn't some secret conspiracy out there to cover up for cops who can't control themselves.

[Just a name]

Thanks for the replies! I'll pass them on to her later today.

Legoate -- this sounds reassuring but I think it's her biggest fear that she will be harassed by pretty much every trooper and cop in the state. Could he do something like 'flag' her name in the database so she'd get arrested if she's in a traffic stop?

Retdetsgt -- state troopers don't go to the batterd women's shelter to take reports, but for 911-type calls. A few times he had to go because of injuries/illnesses that happened to residents. Sometimes it's violent behavior of residents towards other residents or staff. Once he said it was a resident trying to steal prescription medication. And at least twice it was a false fire alarm. The incident reports will only list 'Post 100' as a location but troopers/EMTs/fire departments know the physical location. She's just worried that he'll be able to get that information about other shelters in the state.

Mcsap -- thanks for the advise. Luckily the little girl landed on a couch across the room. But she did bounce off and landed on the floor. My friend took her to an Urgent Care (so she could remain anonymous and wouldn't need to use insurance information) yesterday and she 'only' has a sprained wrist and a huge bruise on her shoulder and knee. No internal injuries or concussion, thank god. Unfortunately an order of protection only protects from people who are rational enough to realize the consequences of their actions. When he's drunk no piece of paper will stop him from hurting her. If he can find the locations of other shelters I don't think he would worry about there being a record of it. Again he wouldn't be rational at the time he does it. She's afraid to get the commander involved since there is no turning back once that happens and she does not know what this may lead to.

[Roger Dat]

New York State Police is a class act organization. They will investigate this fully! NYS law determines that an arrest MUST be made in certain domestic situations involving violence depending on the degree of what has occured etc. Have her call.

[phantasm]

I don't know if you're able or even willing to help, but this seemed like a good place to ask for advise. My friend has been married for six years, and she has three children with her husband. They've had a good marriage, and he is a really great guy. Unfortunately he started drinking (more then socially) about a year ago, and it has just gotten worse and worse. His personality completely changes when he's drunk and he gets verbally abusive and menacing. He has gotten physical with my friend many times and she has put up with it. But now he's gotten physical with the kids. Last night he picked up his 6 year old daughter and threw her across the room, and then prevented my friend from taking her to the hospital. He has also been driving with the kids in the car while he was drunk. Under normal circumstances she could call the police. But she can't because her husband is a NY State Trooper. She decided she wants to leave him because she needs to protect her kids but he has already threatened to 'hunt her down like a dog'. She can't go to a shelter in her county because he's been dispatched there many times. She is wondering if he would know the locations of other shelters in NY state too. Do troopers have access to that sort of information? I could see him trying to find her in one of those places. Would she be safer if she left the state? She already decided that she can't stay with family or friends because he'll find her there. Is there any advise you can give her about how to go about leaving him. She worries that he'll send the entire troop out after her or somehow track her down. I don't know what resources he would really have beyond what a civilian has. Any help is appreciated.

If he's a NYSP trooper, then she needs to a) contact her local ACS b) contract NYSP internal affairs c) contact the local PD that covers her location (it may or may not be NYSP, but if it is NYSP, then there may be a county sheriff's department too).

I can't see NYSP not taking his gun, at least temporarily, until this is investigated, and if true, then domestic violence conviction = no firearm = termination.

A sprained wrist, and bruising and swelling = physical injury, and due to the age, with intent to cause injury, and recklessly or intentionally causing injury makes it a felony assault.

[Just a name]

Thanks for shedding some light on the process! We've been talking and she's having second thoughts though. She really doesn't want this to be 'blown out of proportion' and when she hears that he'll lose his job she'll be even more hesitant to report him. She really doesn't want to hurt him, she just wants to keep her children safe. As I said, he's a really great guy. I've known them forever, even was the maid-of-honor at their wedding. I always thought he didn't have a bad bone in his body. It's really more sad than anything else because about a year ago he fatally shot a suspect because he mistook a box cutter for a gun. There never even was a question about whether he was justified in using deadly force. He clearly was. He went through the mandatory process and went back to work, but I don't think he ever got over it. He withdrew, then got sullen, and about two months later he started to drink and it was downhill from there. So my friend really doesn't want to do anything to hurt him. We've been discussing other options. She would really like to get him into treatment, but she is unsure as to what's involved in that. Is this something that she could/should discuss with his supervisor? This would probaby upset him just as much though. He has shown up to work drunk once, and was given a three-day-suspension, but apparently they thought it was an isolated incident. I don't know if they are aware of his problem. What would happen if she talked to someone there? Could they assist him with getting proper treatment or would this cause more problems? He has ignored her pleas to seek treatment, so perhaps they could encourage it? Just trying to explore different options before she makes a decision.

[Roger Dat]

I supose some sort of therapy could be discussed. Perhaps she can reach out to his supervisor and state that there have been some problems in the home that she believes correlates to the incident involving the shooting.

Overall I am concerned because this type of behavior only really escalates. Very rarely does it subside.

[retdetsgt]

Sounds like the therapy he needs is alcohol treatment. I would suggest she give him an ultimatum, go to treatment or she goes to NYSP command and leaves him forever. He's probably not going to do it just because it was "suggested". Being an old drunk myself, I've strongarmed a lot of cops into treatment over the years. It worked for some, not for others. Some of the others ended up jobless, homeless, etc. after a few years.

But she should never subject her children to potential harm just because he "used to be" a hell of a nice guy. Her duty is to them, not him.:mad:

[Drew27k9]

They've had a good marriage, and he is a really great guy.

If what you are saying is true, he is not a really great guy. Really great guys don't abuse their families, drunk or not.

[Ispbear]

My suggestion, take it for what it's worth.

She needs to go to his superior and explain to them that he has an alcohol problem. Explain to them that it started after the shooting and that he needs help. She can tell them that his behavior at home is at the point that she no longer feels safe for herself or her children without going into detail.
You can guarentee that they will push her for details, it will be up to her how much detail she is willing to give. Then it will be up to him to accept the help that is offered. Will he be able to keep his job, maybe.
The main thing is the safety of the children FIRST! Yes he may have been a good guy in the past. But for now he has lost his way and is not in a good place where he can be trusted.

[phantasm]

IF she doesn't want him to lose his job, and she wants to try to fix things, then he NEEDS to get in alcohol treatment NOW. It may interfere with his job, but maybe he won't lose his job, a NYSP member would be able to answer that better.

Her and her children's safety should be her #1 concern though.

[mcsap]

Thanks for shedding some light on the process! We've been talking and she's having second thoughts though. She really doesn't want this to be 'blown out of proportion' and when she hears that he'll lose his job she'll be even more hesitant to report him.

What is more important , her life and safety or ???

She really doesn't want to hurt him, she just wants to keep her children safe.

So doing nothing is going to keep them safe ???:mad:

As I said, he's a really great guy. I've known them forever, even was the maid-of-honor at their wedding. I always thought he didn't have a bad bone in his body. It's really more sad than anything else because about a year ago he fatally shot a suspect because he mistook a box cutter for a gun. There never even was a question about whether he was justified in using deadly force. He clearly was. He went through the mandatory process and went back to work, but I don't think he ever got over it. He withdrew, then got sullen, and about two months later he started to drink and it was downhill from there. So my friend really doesn't want to do anything to hurt him. We've been discussing other options. She would really like to get him into treatment, but she is unsure as to what's involved in that. Is this something that she could/should discuss with his supervisor? This would probaby upset him just as much though.

Not only is it time to protect/help herself and her kids...it's time to help him before he does something worse, like eat his gun !!

He has shown up to work drunk once, and was given a three-day-suspension, but apparently they thought it was an isolated incident. I don't know if they are aware of his problem. What would happen if she talked to someone there? Could they assist him with getting proper treatment or would this cause more problems?

He can be ordered into treatment. He is a danger to himself, his family and the public if let go.

He has ignored her pleas to seek treatment, so perhaps they could encourage it? Just trying to explore different options before she makes a decision.

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[Just a name]

Thanks everyone. I'll print your responses out and give them to her. I'll be honest. I was afraid that you might downplay the issue or try and make excuses for him. I'm glad that quite the opposite is true! Taking it to his supervisors sounds like the best option so he'll get the treatment he needs and she and her kids may be better protected because it is then out in the open. I guess she won't find out what the actual procedure is until she gets the ball rolling so that may make her nervous. I can't tell her what to do, much less force her, but at least she'll know that there are alternatives to either staying and doing nothing or leaving and hiding forever. Thank you so much for your help!