My boyfriend is in his 4th week of academy.

[Meganrowo]

My boyfriend is an incredible man. He is working so hard in academy, and I can see it is taking a lot from him. He loves what he is doing because being a police officer has been his dream since he was a child and he taken steps since highschool to get there. He did an explorers program through a local department, he also worked in a halfway house for a year prior to academy while attending college. He is squared away and incredibly dedicated to being the best.

Before he ented into academy I knew that I was going to be "neglected" and our time together would be very limited I understand and it doesn't bother me. Because he makes what time we do spend together awesome and put in so much effort to keep me happy. For the first few weeks he was mostly just tired but still incredibly enthusiastic. I can see the long hours beginning to take their toll on him and his morale, and in turn taking its toll on us. Sometimes no matter how sweet or enthusiastic I am he is just in an awful mood. As his dedication to the academy is not lacking, he is very stressed out from the work load. And in a not very good mood.

I have decided that although I can't help him with his work load, I am trying very hard to be supportive, enthusiastic, and available to him.

How can I help him through this? He isn't a weak man and I know he will do this and achieve whatever it is that he wants. I wish I could help his stress level in what ways I can increase his happiness in the times we do get to see eachother.

Do I just need to weather the storm and wait for him work load to decrese before I get my boyfriend back? - and truly if that is the answer I can be ok with that.

Any advice on how to help him and us would be appreciated.

[bob_dole]

One thing my girlfriend (now ex :rolleyes: ) did when I was going through the academy was help me with memorization. We made flash cards for the 10 codes, geography, state stats, etc., and she would quiz me on them. Even though I was studying, we made it fun and got to spend time together.

[phantasm]

Police Officers have a high rate of divorce. The hours may vary, unexpected OT, holidays spent working. Thats the nature of the job. On the other hand, the benefits are usually good, and the 20 (or 25 year) retirement means if you start when you're 21 you can be retired at 41 (or 46), which is still relatively young.

So you and your BF may or may not work out, and things may or may not change with time. Can you deal with it if it doesn't?

[Meganrowo]

I have read about what a police officers life is like and understand how things with be. I know the divorce rate is very high and that concerns me however i will get married only once... so i am in no rush. I have family in the military and I look at the sacrifices my sister and brother make and it is so much greater than that of a poice officers family (in my opinion) The time away isn't a problem... I just want to make his quality of life better when I can.

[Joeyd6]

It sounds as though you will have to make a choice.

I woudl tell him one time that you support him and want to help but don't want to piss him off. So if he needs anything or wants to talk you are there. Then leave it at that. The stress he is going through is incredible and he probably feels you won't understand cause your not going through it. And to be honest, you probably won't.

So don't nag him. Give him his space. When he is off, forget about pushing him to go out. Try asking him about just hanging out and watching TV or see what he wants to do if anything. All I did on my days off was rest and watch TV. My gf at the time (now my wife) figured out what I just said and she learned to deal with it.

You made a statement about "getting him back." Bottom line is teh academy is going to change him. How he thinks, looks and acts. You might not get back what you had. So you may have to make a decision!

And consider that he may feel you don't understand him...something he will go through with most of his current friends soon! Just don't add to the stress and go buy or borrow a book called "I Love A Cop." It will help you understand!

[scootsmo]

Let him know that you are there for him but sometimes the best thing to do is to let him be. Continue to be supportive and enthusiastic but a lot of the time when I get home from work, I just want to wind down. It looks like you love him very much but the bottom line is that he is going to change. He is going to change in the academy and he is going to change as his career goes on in the street.

I have been married 5 years and the calls that I have made to my wife about things like me being in a shooting or the times I was in the hospital from getting into fights or squad car accident and she has stuck by my side the entire time. It is a process for him but it is also a tough process for yourself. Give it time and continue to be supportive and you will get through it.

[Samuel]

I started writing a long reply yesterday but changed my mind. In brief, I would encourage maintaining open lines of Communication and identifying and utilizing avenues for Stress Relief (both parties)!

Also, IMO, academy life is nowhere near as time-consuming, stressful, intense, and "irregular" as working Patrol - especially while on training. YMMV, but you might want to prepare for it to get even worse...

[121Traffic]

Also, IMO, academy life is nowhere near as time-consuming, stressful, intense, and "irregular" as working Patrol - especially while on training. YMMV, but you might want to prepare for it to get even worse...

I wholeheartedly agree. While the academy is stressful, and depending on what kind it is (agency-sponsored or not, paramilitary, college-style, etc), it wasn't a life-changing experience...for me at least. What you are seeing now, I suspect, most will fade once he's over this hurdle. When he gets to FTO, shift work, missing holidays, working some bad calls, etc., that's what'll REALLY change him. Right now, you're saying he's different. I say he's tired and stressed out, but really the same guy underneath. Everyone gets a little grumpy when they're under deadlines, homework, studying, etc. But once that's done, I think you guys will have smooth sailing until he gets to the street. Just be prepared for it to worsen, and good luck!

[Meganrowo]

I just wanted to update on how things have been going. My BF has 9 weeks left! Half way done! I wanted to thank you all for your candid advice. It really helped. I am looking forward to graduation and no more tests! I followed your advice and it really helped with making life better for him where I could. We are stronger than ever and I am so incredibly pleased :D . Thank you again.

[Legoate]

Do I just need to weather the storm and wait for him work load to decrese before I get my boyfriend back? - and truly if that is the answer I can be ok with that.

Yes, just wait, things will get better...remember, the academy is only 6 months long (at least in CA). I can't tell you how appreciative I am of my wife's support through the academy

I am now repaying her as she finishes up a college degree. I'm helping her get through the classes, watch the kids, finish up the homework...etc....

It's all worth it in the end. If you two are a couple with a strong relationship this will only make you stronger.

[drummer-eman]

Take him to a nice 4 or 5 star hotel over his next weekend break. Set up the room with BEER and champagne and dont well you should be able to figure the rest out. It seems stressful now but I think most of us look backl on the sacademy days as fun and we miss it. I mean were happy to be far on in our careers but with bills, sick kids, Forced OT, rotating shifts, court dates on days off {Which BTW I love} working holidays, screwy bosses and screwier El Jeffe's, the general public that hates us, it gets harder.
Still the greatest job in the world. Just be as positive for him as you can be......

[steelcityk9cop]

Find yourself a copy of "I Love A Cop". It's a good book and will help you understand what he's going through now and what will be coming up over the next few years.

[Aussie George]

Good to hear things are going well.

My girlfriend (when I was going through the Academy) used to help me study for tests. I used to explain to her what I needed to know. If she didn't understand what I was trying to teach her, then I probably didn't have a good grasp of it myself.

That helped me study and it included her in our life plan of me becoming a cop. It also meant that I got to spend time with her, and study at the same time.

Since then we have been married for a bit over 3 years and are as happy as you could wish to be.

I have always included my wife in everything I do at work. I asked her at the start wether she wanted to know or not. She chose to know. she figured if she was in doubt about what I was up to at work, she would fear the worst. If I was telling her every little detail, her imagination had nowhere to go with that.

Little advice. When your BF starts working for real, secretly learn all the jingo and use it innappropriate times. It used to make me laugh when my wife would use cop terms in the wrong context. It cracked me up.

Now I am often amazed at her when she says something like, "I saw the cage the other day. Looked like they were raiding such and such." Or "so and so was giving out a tin." (Cage is our 4 wheel drive with a prisoner box on the back. TIN is a Traffic Infringement Notice or "ticket"). Now that she uses the jingo correctly it amazes me how much she has picked up about my job, and I am only impressed with her more and more for her support and willingness to learn about what I do. I in turn make more of an effort to learn about her day and her work. Just something we do. might not work for everyone.

Good luck in the future, and all the best to your BF.

[michiganstud]

How can I help him through this?

Lots of extra hugs and kisses and massages.


Well not so much to smother.

[TX-LEO]

Easy, support him. Time apart is a GOOD thing in a relationship.