Fiancée is a little upset, am I overreacting?

[Ruh]

As officers you are all not to "Socialize with people of ill-repute" on or off the job unless it is in the course of executing your duties.

As I am training to be an officer I am adhering to that standard now. As well as the fact that it is also part of Academy regulations.

I feel it also prudent that my household also adhere to said standards. As a result some of my fiancée's friends are to be cut out of our life. Basically, I have pretty much told her flat out "you need to cut out your friends that are active in doing illegal things, more specifically drug use".

She is mad because she has a friend who isn't under the influence a lot but usually is on the weekends. This friend already knows that she can NOT bring that stuff around us. However, my problem is this: I simply do NOT trust anyone who actively uses a controlled substance to have the right sense of mind to tell the truth to their friends. Even if that person "only uses on the weekends". The drugs she use, I believe, are shrooms. These are a hallucinogen correct? Making them even more dangerous since flashbacks can occur even when the drug is not in use.

I ,personally, am already set not dealing with people I don't need to be. I just need to know if this is an overreaction on my part towards basically demanding she cut those friends out (even though I don't understand why ANYONE in their right mind would want to hang around these people). I guess a big thing is that they have been friends since diaper days.

Also, we had a brief disagreement on whether or not MJ is addictive. I say it is physically and mentally addictive she believes only its only mentally (not that it would really matter since we both know its addictive). She is just rationalizing.

Sorry for the long rant-like post, but I need some subjective input to this situation and perhaps some facts to support my point.
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[wcso234]

i agree with you. i broke up with a girl i dated for eight months because she had a bad check summons issued on her. for me it was about respect for my job. i feel like its one of those "your either for us or against us" type of things

[mcsap]

This is an important issue. You do NOT want to be seen or known to keep the company of druggies , even the recreational users. It will have an effect on you personally and professionally. Your job as an LEO will change your lifestyle forever. She needs to realize that.

[Ruh]

This is an important issue. You do NOT want to be seen or known to keep the company of druggies , even the recreational users. It will have an effect on you personally and professionally. Your job as an LEO will change your lifestyle forever. She needs to realize that.

I agree.
First thing I told her is whats going to happen when I have to arrest her friend and to retaliate her friend or supplier or w/e decides to come up to our house, kids, etc. That changed her tone about things, but she still doesn't really seem to get the point about it. I also explained to her that her associating with users will reflect badly on her regardless of anything she tells her friend about not doing it around her.

[scott715us]

Sorry when I say this Ruh, but it's either you or her friends. I had long-term high school friends that were/are recreational pot users and they know not to bring any of that sh** around me. My wife (of 2 weeks :D) knows how it is with me being a cop and fully respects it. She really didn't have any drug using friends when we met so it hasn't really been an issue.

If she is your fiance and truly loves you, SHE SHOULD NOT put her recreational drug using friends above your job and your beliefs. She needs to #1 - find new friends or #2 - tell the other asshats that if they want to continue to have her as a friend, they don't do anything illegal around you or her.

If she refuses to do #1 or #2, find a new fiance. I know that's harsh, but, believe me when I say it, it will be better in the long run.

Let us know how it works out.

On a side note, I think MJ can be addictive in both ways you describe. Are cigarettes addictive? ummmm ...yes

[Ruh]

Yea scott thats pretty much what I told her when we were talking about it. However, I want more than just that altimatum. I would rather her realize the seriousness of the consequences that comes with having even casual friends who are drug users. Everone knows to keep it away from me. Actually I should say us. However, like I was saying I want it to be more than just something I want.

I also told her that she can be friends with them etc, but she needs to tell them they need to get their **** together and quit doing whatever it is they do.

I think in the end everything will work out just fine. I just want it to be something we both agree 100% on and not something she is just doing for me.

[Swat1]

You are not over-reacting, you are exercising good judgment. Good on you.

Swat1*

[bdbaskar]

I agree with scott715us on this. I would say your fiance either picks her friends or you. If she picks her friends you have to pick either her or law enforcement. In my opinion there is no "best of both worlds."

I go by the old adage, "birds of a feather flock together." If I know that someone is sympathetic to someone who breaks the law, I wonder what else they would allow.
Oh! They just shoplift a six-pack on the weekend. Or They only drink and drive on Friday nights after 2 a.m.

I don't know you or your fiance so it might seem a little harsh, but just as law enforcement is not for everyone...being a law enforcement spouse is not for everyone either.

[CHPCHASER]

You are using good judgment. Also, I think you will find that after you are sworn in your world will change. After I was sworn in, some of my old buddies that smoked pot and for all I know still smoke pot just stopped coming around. I don’t get invited to their BBQ gatherings any more either, and that’s fine. You will end up with a new bunch of friends. Your fiancés friends may disappear as well.

[DeputyMadMax]

My best friend through highschool went to prison the same month I went to the academy. Needless to say, we went our seperate ways even before that. Both me and my wife did not have the best friends when we were younger, although neither of us were involved in their dealings, we knew they were doing them. As CHPCHASER said, as soon as I became a cop, I found out who my real friends were. Of all the friends I had before, I only had two after.

I understand your soon to be and her friend, have been friends a long time. But her friend needs to grow up now and decide what is more important, her shrooms, or the friendship. It's her habbit that is causing all the could be problems. I think it's her that needs to decide.

[phantasm]

Hypothetical situation. Your fiance is driving with your friend. Friend has drugs on her person. There's a traffic stop. Friend drops drugs on floor. Officer see's drugs on floor. If the friend doesn't fess up about the drugs everyone in the car can and most likely will be arrested. Then that will reflect VERY poorly on you. Drugs loose in car = belonging to everyone within context of possession.