I'm not an officer, but she is. Can it work?

[nesota]

Relationship question. I could use some advice from the other side of the fence.

I am not an officer, but I've been dating one for about a year.
She's attractive, smart, fun to be around... a good person.
And here's where I can use some insight. I think I give her
a lot of leeway and understanding. She works 12hr shifts,
half of them being overnight. We do not live together at this
time. However, especially during overnight shifts, I will never
be able to reach her, before, during or after her shift and I'm
lucky if I get a text message back. Sometimes a callback, but rarely.
I hear about the stuff she does and I know it's a rough job.
But really, is there a point where you just want to block the
world out and not answer calls or return them because you're
sick of listening to two radios and everything else? Even at the
end of the shift? Maybe this treads a lot into personal habits.
Or is it a really bad thing to just make a two-minute call just
to let your significant other know you care? I feel like I'm being
kept at a distance and I'm a good guy so it makes no sense.
My friends think I'm an idiot for putting up with this aloofness
but I give her a lot of credit for doing a tough, thankless job.
She may have a lot of deep-rooted issues that only therapy
can help to resolve. Or maybe being an officer can screw up
your personal life more than I can imagine?

[G35 Mass]

If you'd like some insight into the personal life of a police office, I suggest reading "Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement". Every cop should read it and anyone in a relationship for a cop should too. It will help you understand many of the reasons as to why we are the way we are.

[Joeyd6]

My wife has NEVER called me during work unles it was an emergency or a text about something urgent which I replied to. I don't like mixing family with work. A ten minute BS conversation is not what I am getting paid to do and takes my mind and eyes off the job. she is fine with it as am I.

After work, I never had discussions with her on the phone. I always send a text when I walk out the door or would be late, but we would not be chatting. Maybe I woudl call a buddy or another cop on a different shift I knew...but the ride home is to decompress and leave work behind.

[cntryboy0531]

Personally I try to stay off the phone during work. It's distracting. And to be completely honest (I also work 12 hour shifts at night as well), I have just enough time to come home, eat, shower, and sleep. Then repeat the next work day. Honestly, I prefer to be left alone after work.

If you can't handle her schedule, thats ok. You just need to be honest with yourself and her. If you're not ok with it, it'll just breed contempt later. Talk about it with her, and see what she has to say. And if you still can't handle it, then cut the relationship.

[nesota]

I just ordered that book, maybe it will do us both some good.

A day here or there, fine, but this can go on for 3-4 days. Yes, I get told work days are a complete grind from the moment the alarm clock goes off til crashing back in bed 15 hours later. Then there's the constant suspicions ("I see two dirty beer glasses, did you have company last night?" etc etc), lots of the old do as I say not as I do... how much is eight years on the force and how much is preexisting personality? Joey - you have a wife you come home to, I can understand not talking at work, you'll see her later. I don't see my gf for several days at a time, often a week. It just doesn't seem natural, I think in this situation I've tried more than a person should have to. I've broken it off a couple times, and that's when she becomes super nice and suddenly shows me respect and caring, if only for a short time.

[retdetsgt]

I agree with the others, I didn't want to be called at work unless there was blood.

If you're having problems with it now, it'll only get worse. That goes for any relationship, marriage never improves an iffy relationship, never.

[cntryboy0531]

I just ordered that book, maybe it will do us both some good.

A day here or there, fine, but this can go on for 3-4 days. Yes, I get told work days are a complete grind from the moment the alarm clock goes off til crashing back in bed 15 hours later. Then there's the constant suspicions ("I see two dirty beer glasses, did you have company last night?" etc etc), lots of the old do as I say not as I do... how much is eight years on the force and how much is preexisting personality? Joey - you have a wife you come home to, I can understand not talking at work, you'll see her later. I don't see my gf for several days at a time, often a week. It just doesn't seem natural, I think in this situation I've tried more than a person should have to. I've broken it off a couple times, and that's when she becomes super nice and suddenly shows me respect and caring, if only for a short time.

If you've already had problems with it and it's not corrected then it'll only get worse.

[G35 Mass]

I just ordered that book, maybe it will do us both some good.

A day here or there, fine, but this can go on for 3-4 days. Yes, I get told work days are a complete grind from the moment the alarm clock goes off til crashing back in bed 15 hours later. Then there's the constant suspicions ("I see two dirty beer glasses, did you have company last night?" etc etc), lots of the old do as I say not as I do... how much is eight years on the force and how much is preexisting personality? Joey - you have a wife you come home to, I can understand not talking at work, you'll see her later. I don't see my gf for several days at a time, often a week. It just doesn't seem natural, I think in this situation I've tried more than a person should have to. I've broken it off a couple times, and that's when she becomes super nice and suddenly shows me respect and caring, if only for a short time.

Time to move on. This life is NOT for you.

[ChesCopPodz]

Unless its a dire emergency, my wife only sends me texts with the understanding that it may be an hour before I answer, if I can get the time to answer at all.

[nesota]

Unless its a dire emergency, my wife only sends me texts with the understanding that it may be an hour before I answer, if I can get the time to answer at all.

This would be fine. Plus, you see her at home I'm sure.
I think in my case she just wants to keep me on the shelf
until she's in the mood for company. That's friends with benefits,
not a relationship. I get the impression it goes past what the
job causes. Should there be no expectation to talk to her on
work days at all? That seems excessive. If you really care about
someone, a five minute call when you get home doesn't seem
like much to ask.

[G35 Mass]

I think you've come to the realization of what your relationship is, or in this case: isn't.

[cntryboy0531]

I think you've come to the realization of what your relationship is, or in this case: isn't.

Agreed.

Being a cop has little to do with this. If you are not being treated the way you want, then you need to leave. You can't make someone treat you the way you want. Either they are going to do it on their own, or they wont. Seems to me that she won't.

[mcsap]

Cops are people too. People can be good or not so good , regardless of their occupation. If your relationship isn't working out , it isn't so much because she is a cop , its because of who and what she is as a person.

[retdetsgt]

[Cat_Doc]

Jim, would you ever have guessed we would be reading something like this thirty years ago?