Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
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Think Hard
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"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

I'll bet the bloke's will agree with this one....no offence to the girls who read this....as I'm one myself
:smilielol5:

http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5059/5490490053_15eda90351.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/bushlandcountry/5490490053/)

Moved to the Jokes and Pics forum.

And, I'll admit it, you got me on that first one!! I'll take the bed nearest the bathroom please!! :biggrin5:

Thanks Marine, I was not sure where to put it :)
hehe I think that first one gets most people :p

Sorry if these are reposts :)

The Wrong Answer

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F ** k....


I hate my job day :p
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour grump ; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!

(Aussie One's)


Bushman's Dunny

Mum and Pop were two cow-cockies living in Western NSW out on a farm up in the hills.
Pop has found out that the hole under the dunny is full.
He goes into the house and tells Mum that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Mum says, 'Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate.'
So Pop drives down to the neighbour's house and asks him, 'Mr. College graduate, my dunny hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it.'
The young'n tells him, 'Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the dunny and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the dunny in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread it all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The dunny should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.'
Pop thanks the neighbor, then gets two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the dunny.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Mum comes running out of the house and into the dunny!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite shooting the dunny into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading it all over the farm.
WHAM! The dunny comes crashing back down atop the hole...............
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, 'Mum, are you all right??!!' As she pulls up her panties she says...'Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen.”


Rules of Rural Queensland
ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road...' I drive a ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Pacific Highway goes to New South Wales and the Newell Highway goes the same way and continues to Victoria. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Queensland waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that mobile phone rings while a mob of big Kangaroos or wild pigs are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yes, we eat steak and chips, chops and chips and sausage and chips and they DO come with BBQ or Tomato sauce. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and tomato sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Canberra call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. The local League and High School Football is as important here as the Storm and the Roosters, and more fun to watch.

16. Yes, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it scares the fish.

17. Church schools? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Private Universities , Community Colleges, and TAFE Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of our finest youngsters in the Army, Navy and Air Force. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 2 inches of rain isn't a monsoon - it's a blessing... Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This isn't Melbourne, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The creeks and rivers will be down again in a few hours. If not the SES State Emergency Service will come and get you


And The Last one for now :-)


Why Some Men have dogs & not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
Disclaimer's.......
1 I would not advise you to try that last suggestion :smilielol5:
2 These jokes are meant as jokes & nothing else..... :biggrin5:

Also If some of our aussie lingo trips you up, don't hesitate to ask, & I'll try and decipher it :)

Big *thumbs up* for the Rules of Rural Queensland!!!

=]



ps ~ You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Gumtree again.

Gumtree,

whats a "dunny?!?!" Ha ha!!! My personal favorite is "No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken."

Gumtree,

whats a "dunny?!?!" Ha ha!!! My personal favorite is "No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken."


dunny
noun (Austral. & old-fashioned N.Z. informal) toilet, lavatory, bathroom, loo (Brit. informal), W.C., bog (slang), Gents or Ladies, can (U.S. & Canad. slang), john (slang, chiefly U.S. & Canad.), head(s) (Nautical slang), throne (informal), closet, privy, cloakroom (Brit.), urinal, latrine, washroom, powder room, crapper (taboo slang), water closet, khazi (slang), pissoir (French), little boy's room or little girl's room (informal), (public) convenience people who don't wash their hands after using the dunny

Does that help??

=]

:thumbsup:

Gumtree,

whats a "dunny?!?!" Ha ha!!! My personal favorite is "No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken."

Outside toilet......

they originally looked something like these photo portray..... with a hole dug out in the ground & a drum as a seat.............
Don't freak out :)
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/_C28y9VhUTYo/S45UejqfgCI/AAAAAAAADW0/YVoivrnCmYU/wa%20outback%20dunny%20%28toilet%29.jpg
http://www.aussievault.com.au/media/vaults/121/entries/images/1814/8111/image-966-644.jpg
http://s3.amazonaws.com/files.posterous.com/temp-2010-11-16/FIkiomczBsCikHAfdEpkhtmsGGvFyoiqHybeoqmplChtCwezyG lmBhrgweck/outback_dunny.jpg.scaled500.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKI AJFZAE65UYRT34AOQ&Expires=1299063163&Signature=%2FLO7GyybgQFX6xjSfHyaQE8Pm3c%3D

Now days it is general slang for a toilet

Gee's looks like kazz beat me to it :thumbsup: possibly a bit more refined then my answer too :p



ps ~ You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Gumtree again.

:)

Outside toilet......

they originally looked something like these photo portray..... with a hole dug out in the ground & a drum as a seat.............
Don't freak out :)
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/_C28y9VhUTYo/S45UejqfgCI/AAAAAAAADW0/YVoivrnCmYU/wa%20outback%20dunny%20%28toilet%29.jpg
http://www.aussievault.com.au/media/vaults/121/entries/images/1814/8111/image-966-644.jpg
http://s3.amazonaws.com/files.posterous.com/temp-2010-11-16/FIkiomczBsCikHAfdEpkhtmsGGvFyoiqHybeoqmplChtCwezyG lmBhrgweck/outback_dunny.jpg.scaled500.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKI AJFZAE65UYRT34AOQ&Expires=1299063163&Signature=%2FLO7GyybgQFX6xjSfHyaQE8Pm3c%3D

Now days it is general slang for a toilet



Here it's called an outhouse.

Big *thumbs up* for the Rules of Rural Queensland!!!

=]

Yeah it is pretty good.
I got another one that's a bit like it, but different. I did not post it as I wasn't sure what the reaction would be, as it is an Australia vers other countrys, & I didn't want to offend anyone. :o


Here it's called an outhouse.
:thumbsup:

Yeah I've heard of them being referred to by that name, didn't think of it yesterday

Questions

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?