Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

I am new here...

I am in a tough situation right now and would like some advice from those who know what it is like.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are young, he is 23, I am 22. We only see each other on the weekends due to distance. We live 1hr and 1/2 apart one way. I am a student by day and work part time at night. He is currently a Full-Time dispatcher and a volunteer firefighter in a small town in NJ. He has taken MANY tests, but no luck so far. He was actually up for one of 2 openings where he currently works as a dispatcher, but due to politics, he was passed up. We are under a lot of stresses.

A few days ago, a NJ Cop passed away due to slipping on ice en route to a call. He read it in the newspaper and told me about it. Thoughts immediately raced thru my head. What if something like this happens to him? What if he gets hurt or the worst happens? I don't want to be a widow. I don't know if I could handle that kind of pain. I told him my fears. I am extremely worried about his safety. He is choosing a profession where is life hangs on the line everyday. And being a fireman increases these risks.

Granted, he lives in a small town. And chances are that is where he will be hired. There is still that risk. Things can happen anywhere. Not too long ago, there was a female cop that was shot and died only a few towns away. So, you never know. I love him so much. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

Needless to say, he immediatlely got frustrated with me. "All you can say is that I am going to die, etc" But it is a possibility. He says I need time to think about if being a cops wife is really right for me. But he is being so mean about it.

I wanted to talk to a wife of the police chief(a friend of his). He is both a cop and a fireman in the same town. I thought if anyone could give me advice, she could. But my boyfriend(well, now ex) thinks that it might not be a good idea. That she might think I am a psychopath. That is is a small town and nothing is going to happen.

I don't know what to do. And him being this way is not helping matters. I love him dearly. I believe we belong together and could have a wonderful life together. But I want to be happy. I want him to be able to reassure me that it will be ok. But his famous line "This is what I want to do with my life. If you don't like it, Tough! Find someone else!"

I have accepted the fire dept. I know he is trained and wouldn't put himself in a extremely unsafe burning building. But as a cop, it is so unpredictable. I might worry too much, but this is the man I love.

I want to know if anyone has gone thru this? Have you have doubts about your relationship? What helped? What helps you get thru the days? I have heard that once they become a cop, they tend to get distant and cold. Is this true? How do you deal with that? Anything would be helpful to me at this point.

Thanks for your time. Sorry this was long!

--Cathy

Common sense is key. He probably has the common sense not to run into a burning building that is about to collapse, so he may have it to not get himself over his head.

Death is a risk anywhere in life. Slipping on ice is not a danger specific to police work. That's a danger to anyone. I think you overreacting on that one.

Training and common sense keeps officers alive. But you still must accept the fact that death is a possibility, and plan for it.

Every job has risks, some more than others. People die in car crashes every day. You can't go around afraid of what might happen to you or you might as well sell stuff full time on Ebay and NEVER leave your home. Firefighting is a DANGEROUS job. He WILL go into burning buildings because it is what firefighters do. We go to calls in which people have guns or otherwise threaten us because that is what we do. If we don't go to these calls, who will ?

If the thoughts of mortality are that overwhelming, either get counseling or find a boyfriend who does the Ebay thing.

My wife and 2 kids know what I do and understand the job I have. They know there is a risk but I am not a pencil pusher tied down to a desk. ( well I am tied down one or two hours per shift and than I go out !!)

You can't go around afraid of what might happen to you
I'm not married to a cop, but I have many friends that are cops. I am their dispatcher; their lifeline. I worry about each and every one of them, but not to the point of that I tell them not to go on that call, etc.
I trust their training - I know they don't want to get hurt/killed, and they will do everything they can to go home at the end of the shift.

I understand you love him and are worried about it, but if you two are going to get together again, try to be supportive. Being in LE isn't an overnight decision, and I'm sure he has had those worries as well, and has worked through it.

I am new here...


I want to know if anyone has gone thru this? Have you have doubts about your relationship? What helped? What helps you get thru the days? I have heard that once they become a cop, they tend to get distant and cold. Is this true? How do you deal with that? Anything would be helpful to me at this point.


--Cathy

Sweety this happens a lot...it is not just you. The only thing that really helps is being flexible. But that is a two way street. Look I can tell you first hand that he is right. It is not always fun. Due to the circumstances of parts of the job you may have some real issues with his decision. It is best that you meet them now. It is like this....I used to date a musician. I learned very early that that was not the kind of life that I wanted. It was not easy walking away, but I know I would have not been happy there. Being a cops girlfriend/wife/hell loved one sometimes can take a lot out of you. I agree again with you ex that you should talk to some more people in those shoes that can give it to you straight. But in the end you should be able to talk with your b/f/spouse/loved one...whatever. It is a two way street.

Bad stuff happens to good people all the time...it is not just cops. The only thing that makes it worse when bad stuff happens to cops is the element of responsibility. Unlike you they cannot turn their back on anybody or any situation and just walk away, at least on duty. This is something you either accept or you don't.

Sorry, I hope this helps. If you would like to confer further you can contact me by PM.

I am a diapatcher in a very small town in TN.My husband is a EMT,LEO,and FF. My worst fear is that I will be dispatching and something happens to him. Which I have been behind the radio when he screamed for back up .Luckily everything was ok. I do worry about him but I take comfort in knowing that if something were to happen to him in the line of duty he was doing what he loved.

What I have said in the past and say now to my family and my SO is. This job may take me from you someday, as long as i do what i am supposed to do and follow the rules, and i am careful and not be overly careful, i will be fine and if i do go to that great firehouse in the sky remember this I will always love you and that no matter what, I died doing what I love saving lives of total strangers who could not save themselves. We do fear death but that is not what we think about when we do what we do we think about our duty and our family and loved ones are there with us when we do our jobs, we think if this was my family I would want someone to do this for them. Trust him thats all i can say.

It sounds to me as if you need to accept that you are broken up right now, and when or if , you get back together...Deal with it....How much do you love him? Or is it too late? Does he still want you, or is everyone just wasting their time responding to you???

Thanks to everyone that replied. (And sorry if I wasted anyone's time) We had a long talk and I am going to accept it and trust that he will take care of himself. We are now back together. Thanks again for your replies.

Death is apart of alot of jobs, not just Law Enforcement. My mom had the same concerns as you in terms of me getting hurt and what not. What I basically did was to turn to my dad and ask him how many people have died during his career as a mechanical engineer working at power plants. He could remember 4 or 5 people dying at the plants due to several different reasons. I explained to my mom that the department that I just got hired on to (not my current department) has lost 0 in the line of duty. It made her realize that while Law Enforcement is dangerous, there are other jobs just as bad, such as my fathers.
Being that I am married, I can tell you what you really should worry about, shift work. There may be months that you do not see your boyfriend. He will be working holidays and birthdays. He will more than likely have to plan his vacations for the entire year in January. It can be very stressfull on a marriage.
He will also see and do things that he just cannot talk about. For a wife/girlfriend, this can be very annoying because you would like to know what is bothering your spouse or boyfriend so much.
The spouse of a Peace Officer has to be a very patient, understanding person. My wife has stood by me through all the good times as well as the bad, for which I will never be able to repay her for.

I have heard that once they become a cop, they tend to get distant and cold. Is this true? How do you deal with that?

distant and cold? not necessarily. got me the warmest, most affectionate star in the sky. :D it all depends on your boyfriend's personality, his level of affection and his ability to cope & handle stress. just be at his side.

Cathy--

I have only been a police wife for a few months now. When I first met my husband four years ago, he wanted to be a cop. Then, in our city, a cop was killed in a friendly fire incident. I was so scared if he became a cop, he would be killed. That fear still sometimes pops up.

My husband told me after he became a cop that we are the reason that he is able to use good common sense in going into situations. As he put it, "You and [our daughter] are most important. I don't want anyone to ever have to come to you and tell you that I died. I don't want you to ever have to explain that to [our daughter]."

I know that he's taking a risk every time that he goes to work. But, as others have said, he would be even if he was a college professor. The commute to work is dangerous. You can't always live in fear of the unknown.

What you have to keep in mind is that all law enforcements officers receive lots of training. When my husband was in the academy, they had a unit on defensive hand-to-hand tactics. He would come home at night and teach me what he had learned. I think he likes knowing that if someone came up behind me in a parking lot that I could at least try to defend myself. He showed me how I could take down someone his size (6'3" tall, 200 lbs) even though I'm much smaller. And, inadvertantly, it showed me that if I could take him down, he could take down people bigger than him. I know that there are people out there who have guns and knives. Many of them shouldn't have guns and knives. That's just how life is.

You will always worry about him. But, just remember that it's not necessarily because he's an officer. It's because he's someone you love, and we all worry about those we love.

Cathy--

I have only been a police wife for a few months now. When I first met my husband four years ago, he wanted to be a cop. Then, in our city, a cop was killed in a friendly fire incident. I was so scared if he became a cop, he would be killed. That fear still sometimes pops up.

My husband told me after he became a cop that we are the reason that he is able to use good common sense in going into situations. As he put it, "You and [our daughter] are most important. I don't want anyone to ever have to come to you and tell you that I died. I don't want you to ever have to explain that to [our daughter]."

I know that he's taking a risk every time that he goes to work. But, as others have said, he would be even if he was a college professor. The commute to work is dangerous. You can't always live in fear of the unknown.

What you have to keep in mind is that all law enforcements officers receive lots of training. When my husband was in the academy, they had a unit on defensive hand-to-hand tactics. He would come home at night and teach me what he had learned. I think he likes knowing that if someone came up behind me in a parking lot that I could at least try to defend myself. He showed me how I could take down someone his size (6'3" tall, 200 lbs) even though I'm much smaller. And, inadvertantly, it showed me that if I could take him down, he could take down people bigger than him. I know that there are people out there who have guns and knives. Many of them shouldn't have guns and knives. That's just how life is.

You will always worry about him. But, just remember that it's not necessarily because he's an officer. It's because he's someone you love, and we all worry about those we love.


"Cathy" has not even logged in here since 2-18 04

Well, hopefully the "late" advice will help another spouse/family member/significant other of another cop.

My boyfriend's (who graduates from the Academy tomorrow!!!!) mother gets really freaked out by him being a cop. I actually don't worry about it very much. I know that my boyfriend is very intelligent, very rational and collected in times of crisis, and was well trained in the Academy. And I know he would always use his best judgement to keep him out of harms way.

I've had to explain to his mother that more taxi drivers, construction workers, and retail workers die every year than do cops. The job only SEEMS so deadly because every time an officer dies it gets plastered all over the news for days. When some guy falls off a building at a construction site, you almost never hear about it. So, people get this false perception (thanks to the media) that a lot of cops die.

But, get this: It is estimated that only 154 officers died in the line of duty in 2004. That is only about 3 per state. About half of them died in traffic related accidents. And that has little to do with being a cop. More than 40,000 people die every year, across the country, in traffic related accidents. It makes 154 look like nothing. Only one-third died from shootings. Only 57 officers were killed by gun fire. Over a six-year period, from 1995-2000, there were an average of 159 officers killed per year. That's more than there should be, but when it comes down to it, it is really not that much.

Spouses/family members must realize that while there are certainly many dangers to the job, the officer is highly trained in how to avoid these dangers. And, because of their superior training and skills, they are also less likely to be killed off-duty (because they know how to avoid bad situations, and drive far more safely).

I think you are too young and not strong enough to be the woman and wife a cop needs. That's how it sounds to me.

My wife had concerns like what you describe about me becoming a police officer. What we did was sit down and talk over everything she was concerned about. We made a list of good things and bad things on a peice of paper to see the balance. The good side of the list far outweighed the bad side. It gave her relief to see a physical copy of her concerns on paper and that there are good things to counter-balance the bad. Like anything worth doing in life, there are always risks.

When your time is up....it is up. Maybe it will be when he is at work, or maybe when he is on the toliet, or just plain old mowing the lawn. Forget about worrying so much you go crazy. It does no good. Everyone has a time to go.......and since there are 168 hours in a week, and only 40 are at work, I would worry more about the other 128 hours!

"Carpe diem".
Life isn't a practice session or rehearsal.
:)

Here's the way I see it. I'm new here, my husband is hired and started the academy today, so I'm not all that experienced being a PO's wife. But what I do know is that society single's "us" out a bit, and people don't understand what its like to be a PO's wife (in fact, neither do I yet, but I know its coming)
So, why can't we just be supportive of each others. Putting each other down is really not helpful to anyone...She asked for advice...give her advice don't tell her how she sucks!
Anyway...
My husband has been trying to be a cop for the last 4 years and he was finally hired earlier this week, so I have had a little time to consider supporting him. People keep telling me that it will be hard, and I know it will be, but the way I look at it is...
I refuse to be the person who stops my husband from being the person he should be and from fulfilling his desires. My sister's husband dreamed of being a marine, and they compromised by letting him be a reserve officer. He still had to fight as a marine in Iraq but doesn't get the "benefits" he looked for as being a full-time marine. I will never do that to my husband...When he is old and gray he will never be able to say that I got in his way. If that means that he is in danger and he may not make it till he's old and gray at least then I could say that he lived life to the fullest being the man he wanted to be...

Good attitude there, MH!
Things won't be easy all the time, but you have the right perspective to make it survivable and rewarding NO MATTER WHAT!
Of course, I am not married to a cop but am in training as an APO myself so I am around them. I suspect an LEO is the type of man I would be involved with. Just a feeling I have. And average guys just do not do it for me.
Good luck to you! I hope the original poster of this thread reads your message - although I did write that I thought she was too young - and true, she does not sound as strong as you. But, I wish her luck and to find happiness.

I wanted to be a cop since I was 17 Yrs old. My my wife and I met she knew what I wanted to be and had to face the reality when I got hired by the LAPD. I already have lost 1 academy classmate in a gunfight and lost two other good friends. My wife realizes what goes on but doesnt dwell on it. She goes to work like any other women and knows Im coming home. You have to suck it up and be stronger than your spouse. There will be times when he needs you. Your support and strength will make your relationship strong...

FYI it will help if you have friends that are in the same situation, you gals can relate to each other..My wife has nobody and had to mature on her own...

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FYI it will help if you have friends that are in the same situation, you gals can relate to each other..My wife has nobody and had to mature on her own...[/QUOTE]

Not to be "picky", but "you gals"? :confused: Please. Not being a LEO, but working with them as a dispatcher, and, unfortunately it being a male-dominated career, I hung out with "the boys" a lot more often. And, found it (find it) very difficult to sit and chat with "the gals". Even now that I happen to be married to a LEO, I still find it difficult to chit chat with "the gals". Honestly, most of the time, I am the only female at a gathering that is hanging with the guys. It actually feels better to talk WITH them than ABOUT them. And, my husband and I have great conversations about his job to this day. Most of the guys talk to me more often than some of their wives cause they either a) don't want to hear it, b) don't understand or c) are scared to death. Talk with her. Don't treat her like a little girl (mature?). After all, knowledge is power.

Kat I too am a dispatcher and married to a LEO. I think that helps me understand him a little better.I certainly understand the job more since becoming a dispatcher. Everything they go through...I'm right there, worried about all "my boys". Do I worry about taking that call one day where he's on the other end in trouble...or worse? Of course! But even though I'm not out there I know what its like to work in this field. I've done ride alongs (which i recommend to all wives if possible, hopefully gives them an understanding of what they go through) and I have that adreneline rush when an emergency call comes in or an officer is yelling for back up. This line of work is addictive. Being a LEO isnt what my husband does its who he is and I love the passion he has for it. we have 5 children together and we are all so very proud of him! they worry...but dad has alot to live for. Our oldest daughter is following in his footsteps and will be entering the HS cadet program next year. My baby...a cop...that scares the hell out of me! But just like dad...its all she dreams about and I'd never take that from either of them.

FYI it will help if you have friends that are in the same situation, ..My wife has nobody and had to mature on her own...

I agree, it's invaluable to have other women - and men! - to talk to in similar situations as themselves. I started a site for law enforcement family members last year and the response has been tremendous. Officers and their family members nationwide have shared their worries, concerns and wisdom of life married to the badge. Tell you wife to head over to my site, we've lots of LAPD wives who would love to be there for her.

The Real Police site is also great for asking advice and learning from the wisdom of others who've been in almost every situation we can think of. I've learned a lot just following along the posts in this forum alone.