Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

So, it doesn't look like this forum is terribly active, but I am going to give it a shot anyway. First of all I will say hello and hope everyone is having a nice night :)

As is usually the case, I am here for some advice. I need to hear from someone who can give me some perspective. Background information...my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, since we were freshmen in college. He has worked for a police department for the last five of those years. Hate to sound cliche, but I have always been proud of him because I have seen first hand they don't have easy jobs. Even more cliche, I want him to do this type of work because it is where his heart is at, even though he definitely dislikes certain aspects of it. He is an amazing guy and I have always had such a strong trust in our relationship. We have gone through all the normal difficulties of relationships...college, transition from college, a very long distance for a couple of years when I moved away. We passed all of that with flying colors (not to say it was easy, but we always communicated and were always able to show each other our relationship was a priority...seemed to work). Now, let's get down to the problem.

In short, he seems to be so much more cut off than he used to be and for various reasons I feel like it is work related. It is to the point now that I am thinking maybe our relationship can't recover. The only way I know to describe it is like there is a switch he forgets to turn off when he comes from work. I feel like there is a whole part of his life I am closed out of. When it is good, it is great.

Does anyone get what I am saying? I don't want to bore everyone with details...

How do you get your guy to turn off the game face? I have talked to him about this and asked him what he needed. He says I am great about being understanding of his schedule, the workload, his need to unwind. He says he does not want the relationship to end. I don't think he is cheating on me. So, maybe it is just my perspective I need to evaluate.

Does anyone understand what I am trying to say above? Any experiences with that? The best way I know to describe it is that he doesn't let go of the hard exterior when he comes home to me. The switch........I need him to turn off the cop switch and be bestfriend and boyfriend sometimes.

Me giving advice in relationships is like someone who's had 4 bankruptcies giving you financial advice. Hopefully someone can answer your question.

Sid, first of all, let me caveat I'm not a cop. I can't speak for cops, but I can speak for professions that have similarities with regard to game faces, high pressures, requirements to not talk about work, etc. I'm going to just be real blunt, although my circumstances are a little more "strange" than most, and tell you honestly, I don't think certain jobs are conducive to either marriage or even long-term relationships. I will probably be in trouble on RP for saying this, but I really can't see how some relationships can be expected to make it. Now there are many different kinds of LEOs and like I said, I have no idea what I'm talking about with regard to police, but I can tell you that having spent a lot of time around special ops folks in the military, I don't know how LEOs doing similar work avoid the inevitable relationship problems inherent to the work. As for a cop on a regular beat, my comments probably don't apply at all. Although I can relate to cops not wanting to talk when they come home, especially to someone that doesn't do the same work. I engage in the same info blackout with friends and family myself. Maybe RDS can jump in here and give you the half- cup- full side of things, as I'm pretty much the cup-half-empty person on this issue, lol. :) RDS, help!!!

Oh shoot, RDS...I just saw you had posted while I was in the middle of typing mine, lol....

Gotta let him vent when he wants, and just stay quiet when he wants as well. If you try to push the issue, you will push him away!

Gotta let him vent when he wants, and just stay quiet when he wants as well. If you try to push the issue, you will push him away!

This is good advice. Maybe I just have the best wife in the world, we've been married nearly 40 years-been a cop for 34+; she does let me have my down time, never pushes the issue and even sometimes suggests that I get out and do...(whatever it is he likes to do ie hunt, fish, 4 wheeler, golf...) get my drift.

There is no magic button either of you can push to "make" it better. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

All I can really contribute is that it seemed to help both my wife and I to have a sick, twisted sense of humor about some things, that most civilians just wouldn't understand. It got us thru 17 years of Crime Scene work.

I want him to do this type of work because it is where his heart is at, even though he definitely dislikes certain aspects of it.


I'm a little stuck on this and want more information. What are the "certain aspects" he "definitely dislikes"?



Does anyone understand what I am trying to say above? Any experiences with that? The best way I know to describe it is that he doesn't let go of the hard exterior when he comes home to me. The switch........I need him to turn off the cop switch and be bestfriend and boyfriend sometimes.

I've seen both sides of this. When I was in law enforcement, I was the "big sister/counselor" to all the guys on my squad with ****ty marriages (which was all but one of them). And I'm going to have to be honest, some people can't turn it off. Some of the guys are a cop 24/7/365, they eat, breathe, sleep hard-core law enforcement... they're also destined for divorces, life of single-dom, or marriages that aren't ever 100% amazing. I honestly don't have any answers for you that will fix the problem. It varies so much from relationship to relationship that no one could honestly tell you what the problem is without knowing you both. All I can say is, you need to be there for him, let him talk when he wants to talk, let him have solitude when he wants to be alone and be understanding of the schedule, the stress, etc but you also need to make sure he understands that you want the relationship... but not at a price. You want and deserve the full relationship - the attention, the laughs, the love, the companionship, the inside jokes, the intimacy, everything. If he can't/won't give that to you, then you have your answer. Guys in general, and especially cops, have a tendency to internalize and keep everything in, which is what causes the breakdown of most relationships. Is he willing to go to counseling to try to learn other ways to communicate?

Being in law enforcement is a difficult balance. As a cop, have to remember that it's a job, not a life. You can't let it affect every other aspect of your being. Yes, as a cop, you have habits/quirks that you'll never shut off but it isn't necessarily something that should make you feel like an outcast/or above (whatever the flavor) everyone else in the world and it shouldn't make you who you are as a person. For this exact reason, I made it a point to always stay in contact and spend time with friends that weren't law enforcement... something/someone has to keep you grounded. Being a cop is a job, just like everything else, it shapes your knowledge, your life experiences, but it shouldn't make or break who you are as a person.

Personally, with my husband and I... we're always, above everything else, a spouse. When on duty, his responsibility is his job and his co-workers, but he never stops being my husband. He never shuts off that side of himself and I never did when I was out there either. The patrol car and the uniform is the only thing that gets taken off/shut down throughout the day, the marriage priority remains.

I'd be curious to know, honestly, what would pain your boyfriend more... to lose you, or to lose his job.

I'd be curious to know, honestly, what would pain your boyfriend more... to lose you, or to lose his job.

THAT is the question that needs to be asked.

THAT is the question that needs to be asked.

It's a tough one. And unfortunately, in the world of law enforcement, I'd venture to say 1 in 4 would vote for the wife.

It's a tough one. And unfortunately, in the world of law enforcement, I'd venture to say 1 in 4 would vote for the wife.

Unfortunately I think you're right.

Hey guys. I didn't mean to unload my problem on you guys and run. I have been reading your responses and really, really appreciate them. Just got busy with a big project.

So, there is no magic switch, but it has been good to hear your responses, right down from making me laugh with the 4 bankruptcies and financial advice :) to the more in-depth and "been there" posts.

KatieMH21, you asked about certain aspects he disliked. I was actually thinking of the things he gets frustrated with the most...and most of that revolves around the political pull in police departments (I imagine it is the same for most, but could be over generalizing as I only have experience with one). Having a loaded down work schedule of real issues, then having to stop in the middle of everything to go do a puppet show for a big contributor with some minor problem. That kind of stuff is mainly what I was speaking of.

It doesn't help that he is one of those guys (not just bragging because he is mine!) that is just really capable, capable of doing anything, learning anything, AND willing to work. So, he gets a lot thrown at him.

You guys asked if he would be hurt more by losing me or his job. I thought a good partner wouldn't ever ask him to choose :) :) :) His job may get the majority of his attention, but I never, ever doubt that I am a priority. We, of course, have things we love to do together, but we seem to have a bit more independence than a lot of couples. I have my things I am interested in that bores him to tears, so I have friends. I try to be encouraging of him doing the things that help him to unwind and enjoy, even away from me. But, at the end of the day, I want my boyfriend back. I do want the full relationship like we used to have.

These last couple of weeks have been a bit better. It's not 100%, but you don't get 100% overnight. I may have to come back to visit you guys sometime for some more "perspective." Thank you all very, very much for having been there for me. I had absolutely no one to ask. None of my particular and trusted friends can relate, as they are either single or their partners are in vastly different fields. We do have couple friends from his work, but I am not comfortable and did not feel it was appropriate to talk to their wives. We all know hate gossip, right?! In the end, me and these wives are friends based on our partners friendship.

It's not that I'm saying he should have to choose... definitely if the ultimatum was ever made... that's a sign to run the other way. I don't think ultimatums are ever an answer. I mean, if someone is in a position where an ultimatum has to be made, then the damage is already done and the decision has been made, just maybe not spoken, right? I meant it more as a hypothetical. I know guys that have lost their job, their wife, and/or both.. and it's obvious which they miss more.

Hey guys. I didn't mean to unload my problem on you guys and run. I have been reading your responses and really, really appreciate them. Just got busy with a big project.

So, there is no magic switch, but it has been good to hear your responses, right down from making me laugh with the 4 bankruptcies and financial advice :) to the more in-depth and "been there" posts.

KatieMH21, you asked about certain aspects he disliked. I was actually thinking of the things he gets frustrated with the most...and most of that revolves around the political pull in police departments (I imagine it is the same for most, but could be over generalizing as I only have experience with one). Having a loaded down work schedule of real issues, then having to stop in the middle of everything to go do a puppet show for a big contributor with some minor problem. That kind of stuff is mainly what I was speaking of.

It doesn't help that he is one of those guys (not just bragging because he is mine!) that is just really capable, capable of doing anything, learning anything, AND willing to work. So, he gets a lot thrown at him.

You guys asked if he would be hurt more by losing me or his job. I thought a good partner wouldn't ever ask him to choose :) :) :) His job may get the majority of his attention, but I never, ever doubt that I am a priority. We, of course, have things we love to do together, but we seem to have a bit more independence than a lot of couples. I have my things I am interested in that bores him to tears, so I have friends. I try to be encouraging of him doing the things that help him to unwind and enjoy, even away from me. But, at the end of the day, I want my boyfriend back. I do want the full relationship like we used to have.

These last couple of weeks have been a bit better. It's not 100%, but you don't get 100% overnight. I may have to come back to visit you guys sometime for some more "perspective." Thank you all very, very much for having been there for me. I had absolutely no one to ask. None of my particular and trusted friends can relate, as they are either single or their partners are in vastly different fields. We do have couple friends from his work, but I am not comfortable and did not feel it was appropriate to talk to their wives. We all know hate gossip, right?! In the end, me and these wives are friends based on our partners friendship.

Are you dating me by chance?

I'm late to this game, but wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

Cops are a tough crowd. I'm married to a LEO, but I also work closely with these guys. One thing I can tell you is that you're doing ok. Just hang in there. He doesn't sound like a bad guy (like hitting or cheating), he just sounds like he's a little preoccupied. You have to just find that happy medium where if he wants to talk, you're there to listen and if he doesn't want to talk, you will leave him be. A good asset would be to develop a wicked sense of humor (if you don't already have one).

Just be there for him. That's it. You might never get your romantic sweetie back...that may have nothing to do with the job, either. It happens over time with most couples. I can promise that if you're always there for him, you'll ALWAYS have your best friend.

Greg-hehe, made me laugh. At least you guys know you can be a bit difficult :)

Greg-hehe, made me laugh. At least you guys know you can be a bit difficult :)

Slow your roll there, Sid. You've got it backwards. Men are laughably simple creatures. It's the women who are often difficult to decipher. Don't believe me? Take a look at advertising and you'll see what I mean. Almost anything marketed to men uses hot and fast cars or hot and fast women. Commercials for women often have images of puppies, flowers or babies - plus their message is often elusive and confusing as the visual data often doesn't correlate with the product.

plus their message is often elusive and confusing as the visual data often doesn't correlate with the product.


In the words of Opus from Bloom County, "What exactly is feminine protection anyway? A pink bazooka?"

Slow your roll there, Sid. You've got it backwards. Men are laughably simple creatures. It's the women who are often difficult to decipher. Don't believe me? Take a look at advertising and you'll see what I mean. Almost anything marketed to men uses hot and fast cars or hot and fast women. Commeecials for women often have imsaes of puppies, flowers or babies - plus their message is often elusive and confusing as the visual data often doesn't correlate with the product.


In the words of Opus from Bloom County, "What exactly is feminine protection anyway? A pink bazooka?"

God, I should start a marketing research firm and put all you guys to work on the side....that was some brilliant marketing analysis. I keep telling folks in the biz world the KISS principle works EVERYWHERE.

Sid, I'm not in the LEO world, but it seems to me that your instincts, questioning what's happening, are right.
Have you read the books that I've seen recommended here -- I Love A Cop, Emotional Survival For Law Enforcement, etc.?

Dr. Phil covered the marriages of first responders in a show that he did last year: Dr. Phil.com - Shows - Fireproof Your Marriage (http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1130)
Here's a link to the comments from some audience members: Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - 09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage (http://www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/3598/)
I didn't see the show, nor do I watch Dr. Phil, but would be curious to know what you all think of this episode. (Why does anyone ever agree to discuss their marriage on national TV, I wonder?)