Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

I am the daughter of an LEO and I met my husband 3 yrs before he became a cop. I have watched his career flourish and been very proud of him, our family and our marraige. Two yrs ago, he watched his younger brother die in front of him from mesothelioma. He started shutting down after that. A little at a time, from me and our 2 boys. I knew it was the grief at first, then I just thought ??? Needless to say, I say no problems in our marraige at all. WE WERE HAPPY. On Feb 28th, he came home from a night at his mom's and just blurted out... "I want a divorce. I dont love you any more" I was devasted. Still am. I found out 2 weeks later that he was talking to an old girlfriend, from 25 yrs ago. He started talking to her, Feb 9th. Thats about when his mood and sleeping had changed. He moved out Apr 9th and since then has become someone else, lying -to me and boys. I have watched my life go down the tubes in 5 months. How do I get past the hurt?????????????:banghead:

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you realize that him being a police officer has nothing to do with it. People in all occupations get divorces.

I would suggest strongly getting come counseling for yourself. Having been through divorces myself, I've found that can help.

I have been to counseling. I have been doing real good for a while. But now that I am doing the divorce papers, I am having moments. How do you disessemble 19 yrs of your life, on paper? I keep saying I am past the "I cant believe he gave up on us & walked out" phase, but I dont think I'll ever get over it. Maybe just go on, I guess?

Pretty much. You have absolutely no control over what he does or doesn't do. It gets better with time if you let it.

I dont have much of a choice, do I? I know once I get past this part, I'll be okay again. It is so hard though, to stay strong, when I just want to fall apart, but I cant. For me and my boys.

I dont have much of a choice, do I? I know once I get past this part, I'll be okay again. It is so hard though, to stay strong, when I just want to fall apart, but I cant. For me and my boys.

Hang in there Maam, God has a plan for you and something better.

Be Safe.

Thank You. I do believe that too.

Thank You. I do believe that too.

Glad you have faith. Went through a divorce and many painful breakups. Time does heal, but you must be willing to let go of yesterday. I suspect seeing his brother die triggered a reaction in him that nobody could have seen coming, including you.
You simply have to put your trust in your maker and stay strong for your kids. Not saying you can't cry now and then, but let it be the exception rather than the rule.
Stay strong sweety.

Hang in there tesw. I know this sounds like a cliche`, but time heals all things. All things. And like tcop says, work on letting go as much as you possibly can. Allow yourself to think selfish thoughts. Take care.

I have been to counseling. I have been doing real good for a while. But now that I am doing the divorce papers, I am having moments. How do you disessemble 19 yrs of your life, on paper? I keep saying I am past the "I cant believe he gave up on us & walked out" phase, but I dont think I'll ever get over it. Maybe just go on, I guess?

It get's better.

Even if he came back it would be hard to get over the "I cant believe he gave up on us & walked out" because nothing changes that.

It can sometimes help to try and fine tune exactly what you are feeling. Anger, resentment, sadness, etc, etc can all feel like the same thing but they are different. Work on identifyng those feelings and then work on strategies to cope with them.

It's eye opening and scary to see the person you literally trusted with your life and future just toss it away like it was nothing. It's hard to believe that you will ever trust another person again but time does heal that. On the other hand, it's also good to see his character revealed in the grief he felt for his brother. God forbid this happened during a crisis that was closer to you or your kids. Sometimes these things can be a blessing in disguise. The divorce paper isn't the culmination of your life, it's just a speed bump.

As for this being related to police officers, the only thing that is different here is that you are entitled to half his public safety retirement pension. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being nice in the divorce might make him think twice about coming back.

As for this being related to police officers, the only thing that is different here is that you are entitled to half his public safety retirement pension. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being nice in the divorce might make him think twice about coming back.

Half as of the time of the divorce. Not half of his entire pension. If he's been a cop for 14 years of the marriage, she only gets half of what he will get for that 14 years, not what he earns post divorce. If he continues to work until he has 30 years, she'll get about 1/4 of it and only after he pulls the pin.

The two biggest mistakes people do during divorces is either get vengeful and do stupid things or not follow their lawyer's advice and try to be too nice. Either route will bite you in the butt in the long run. Do what your lawyer says. Mine told me that peoples' IQ's drop 40 points during a divorce and I believe it.

Part of the pain is not just losing the partner, but losing the dream and plans of the future. When you assume you will spend the rest of your life with someone and that goes away, you mourn that loss too.

I've become a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason and it's not my job to know what that reason is. But I look back on my life (which will be 65 years next month) and nothing ever happened to me that didn't cause something better to occur down the road. And I've had some pretty ****ty things happen to me, but yet today I can't believe how well my life had ended up.

I'm in my 4th marriage. And she's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But it took three other wives to wear down my rough edges to where I was acceptable to someone like her. Hang in there, it will just get different for a while, then it will get better.

I have not gone through a divorce, but I have plenty of experience standing on the sidelines watching over the last 30 years.

There has been some valuable advice given relating to positive thinking, karma, healing, etc.

It has to be extremely rough (or you wouldn't even posted in here) to find the positives to focus on, but know that the spirit is similar to the physical body in many ways. An injured spirit can, and does, cause physical manifestations. It's easy to take some aspirin for aches and pains, or something to ease an upset stomach, but very difficult at times working to heal your spirit.

A bad cut on your body will have acute pain when it first occurs. You may get emotionally sick looking at the fresh wound. It will hurt some more when the doc gives you the shots to dampen the pain as the wound is stitched up. There may be some dull pain that pops up out of nowhere while the wound is healing, but it is nowhere close to the pain of the initial trauma.

Eventually, you notice that the pain has gone away. The wound has healed over. There may be scar tissue there that reminds you of what happened, but know that the scarred area is now actually much stronger at protecting you than before the injury.

I believe the same thing occurs with your spirit. When the injury first happened it was painful and made you queasy.

Don't pick at the wound... get help to heal and eventually you will be stronger than you were ever were before.

Wishing the best to you and your boys.

Hey Chief! Haven't seen ya in awhile. That is a really profound way to explain it. I was going to attempt to talk about the spirit in my post but couldn't figure out quite how. Great post, Chief :)

But I look back on my life and nothing ever happened to me that didn't cause something better to occur down the road.

Tesw, I can absolutely vouch for that statement RDS made above (minus the age, lol). I have a huge risk-taker type of personality and all, and get boo-boos more than anyone I know. Yet just when I think "it's all caught up withe me," I'll be darned if the next time I get up, it isn't better :) Every time. So yes, it will get better for you. But you do have to find a way to think positively about it :)

I've become a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason and it's not my job to know what that reason is. But I look back on my life (which will be 65 years next month) and nothing ever happened to me that didn't cause something better to occur down the road. And I've had some pretty ****ty things happen to me, but yet today I can't believe how well my life had ended up.

Karma defined.

Karma defined.

Yep :)

I am the daughter of an LEO and I met my husband 3 yrs before he became a cop. I have watched his career flourish and been very proud of him, our family and our marraige. Two yrs ago, he watched his younger brother die in front of him from mesothelioma. He started shutting down after that. A little at a time, from me and our 2 boys. I knew it was the grief at first, then I just thought ??? Needless to say, I say no problems in our marraige at all. WE WERE HAPPY. On Feb 28th, he came home from a night at his mom's and just blurted out... "I want a divorce. I dont love you any more" I was devasted. Still am. I found out 2 weeks later that he was talking to an old girlfriend, from 25 yrs ago. He started talking to her, Feb 9th. Thats about when his mood and sleeping had changed. He moved out Apr 9th and since then has become someone else, lying -to me and boys. I have watched my life go down the tubes in 5 months. How do I get past the hurt?????????????

WELL... THIS WAS ME... ONE YEAR AGO!!

Now I am doing okay. I have my moments here & there but they don't hurt as bad now. And as my father keeps saying... "Your still a cops daughter & a cops wife, ex or not, because of our kids"!

Karma... Has become my new motto!

Thanks

This is a rare instance in which I don't mind that an old thread comes back to life.

I am glad you are doing better / well. Another person can do a lot to bring you down but at some point , you have to take over and bring yourself back up. Sounds like you have done that.

Glad you are still with us.
I would imagine the last year has been rough for you
and the boys.
I do hope it is getting better.
As a teenager whose parents went though this,
I can tell you it does turn everyones life upside down.
Try not to dwell on the divorce and I hope someone
special comes along for you and the boys.

Thank you for the kind words of wisdom. And yes, this has been a very rough year but I have also rediscovered
myself & learned some new things as well. My boys & I have grown stronger through this. And that's all that matters in the end, my boys! They are good boys and they know they are loved by both of us.

Last week, I had one of those feelings I get when something has happened or is wrong with my family. Fortunately it is usually just minor stuff BUT it has always been accurate.

SO... My husband (soon to be ex), calls me the next night & tells me that he had TWO close calls in one night. He said, "he was still alive only by pure chance/luck".

Then he asked me if I wanted to hear what happened and that he hadn't told anyone else about it, including his girlfriend, which surprised me but he said he didnt feel comfortable talking to her about it.

To be a little more accurate, both incidents were extremely sudden and life threatening. It was so traumatic that everyone was telling him to go find a place to hide for a while, his Sgt finally told him that he was tempting fate and ordered him to go park his patrol car somewhere quiet for an hour or so.

While he is telling me about what had happened, I was in a state of shock, shaking & crying silently the whole time. After he told me everything, I told him to take it easy, relax and try to get some rest & I was here if he needed me. Then we hung up and I lost it.

I am so confused and scared. I keep feeling like I have no right to feel like I this anymore, (remembering a comment he made months ago... "just get over it, its over") but I am still his wife and the mother of his children. I know I will always love my husband for all we shared for 19 years. I guess its just that I am scared to death to lose him! Yet I already have.

If you are still on good enough terms that he feels comfortable to turn to you for support at this time, then at least for your children, that is a good thing, even if the relationship is over (or has dramatically changed).

No divorce is a great thing, but some are handled better than others. If you guys can still hold a conversation that is a good thing. Just because the marriage is over, does not mean that all forms of a relationship need be.

My family tree forks in ways that one should not. My father had a son, divorced, met my Mum, left my Mum, she had me (I was going to be adopted out but my mother decided to keep me after my father left the scene), he then remarried and had two daughters, divorced her and FINALLY has a wife who is a keeper!!!

I met him when I was 16 and we had a rocky period but now are great mates and he is a good guy. Actually he is a great guy.

I have sat at a table at his place with my two half sisters, their mother (and her new husband), my Dad's wife, and my Mum and step-dad, and we all had a great night with no weird feelings at all.

In fact my Mum, and my Dad's wife are friends and both went out wedding dress shopping with my wife because her mum was not able to.

My point is, that despite you and your husband have gone separate ways as far as the marriage, there are going to be endless times in the future that you will have to be in contact, and whatever happened in the past it is SO much better if you guys can be friends/friendly. It is a good thing that he felt comfortable enough to share this info with you.

I don't think you will lose him, just that your roles have changed as have your lives.

I hope it all works out for you all. Take care.

sorry to hear that. a lot of prayers will do. maybe, you have a better life without him. just keep on praying and attending to your children.