Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

Help..!
First let me preface with the reason I’m asking for love advice from all of you. I don’t have any friends in the law enforcement field, so I figured this may be the best place to find some needed advice. I apologize if you saw this post under the general topic tab, I realize this is the appropriate place for this convo :)

I’m a civilian and started dating my boyfriend a year ago, June 2005. Recently John graduated the police academy and has been on the road with his FTO for about a month. I can honestly say that our relationship was perfect up until he officially got on the road. Even while he was in the academy, he would send me sweet emails every morning before he left and we would spend most of our free time together. The whole time he was in the academy, I would do everything to make his life easy for him, iron his uniform, help him type his notes, study for tests, etc. He appreciated my efforts and we made it through his 6 months of the academy with flying colors. Our relationship has progressed very quickly, we’re both 26 and we’ve talked about marriage numerous times and I more or less thought that sometime after the academy ended, we would get engaged. Needless to say..…That did not happen.

Now that he’s a full fledged officer(as I mentioned on the road for about a month with his FTO) ..I feel that things are changing. He does not call me as much and does not have as much time for me. I respect his job and I am extremely proud of him. I understand how important his career is to him. I can’t help but to feel as though he’s becoming hardened: no more sweet emails, random silly gifts and when we’re together his mind seems someone else (I’m sure it’s focused on the job.) He’s only been on for a couple weeks however already he has seen some pretty horrible stuff. I told him how I felt about how I feel that he’s changing and he told me he knows he is too.. but he can’t help it. He told me he’s happy where he’s at and he’s trying to juggle many different priorities, new job, new house and our relationship. I should mention that my life if pretty complicated as well.. I work full time, model on the side and I’m finishing my MBA. Therefore, I can honestly respect his lack of time, since my free time is always pressed.

We have always had a very faithful and honest relationship…but I can’t help but worry about how attractive he looks in his uniform. I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship..however with all of the changes going on in his life, I’m not feeling as secure. My question is…Is my sensitive guy gone? I would think no, since he has treated me like a queen for the past year. How do I support him while still letting him know I have needs too? Is it reasonable to expect that the excitement of being a new officer end and he will get back to his old self?

Geeze, you must be a joy. If he's not sending stupid emails and gifts, he is not "your sensitive guy"?

He is becoming a man. If you want the relationship to work, calm down and give him some space. I don't see a thing in your post that indicates he is anything buy a stand up guy.

We have always had a very faithful and honest relationship…but I can’t help but worry about how attractive he looks in his uniform. I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship..however with all of the changes going on in his life, I’m not feeling as secure.

I'm no Dr. Phil (not that I'd ever want to be) but it sounds to me that it's not him who can't be trusted. Just because a guy get's a uniform doens't mean he's going to go out and hit on everything without an adams apple. Just let him get used to his new career and be there for him.

I've got news for you. That happens no matter what, cop or not. Every relationship "cools down" after it matures. It doesn't mean he cares less or loves something more. He's a guy and that's the way guys are. I no longer buy my wife flowers every week or wish to spend every waking moment with her, but she's still my wife and I love her.

I've got news for you. That happens no matter what, cop or not. Every relationship "cools down" after it matures. It doesn't mean he cares less or loves something more. He's a guy and that's the way guys are. I no longer buy my wife flowers every week or wish to spend every waking moment with her, but she's still my wife and I love her.


I like that "cools down" part... After a few years it gets almost neighborly!! You kind of say hi in passing while walking to your separate parts of the house... and the sex slows down to the much more manageable two times a year! :rolleyes:

This is after being together eight years... I can't wait to hit the fifty year mark :p

I personally think that what you are going through sounds pretty standard of anyone who is dating someone who is making huge life changes. I can only imagine that it's much the same as anyone starting a new job. This is his time to really show what he is made of and what he can learn at the job on the job. It's kind of an all or nothing type thing. And as much as he is probably trying to include you, right now it's not about you. And as far as the fru fru stuff, that fades in any relationship, the resonance, the important part, is what is left behind. If your relationship is really as sound as you make it sound, then it will weather it.

I've got news for you. That happens no matter what, cop or not. Every relationship "cools down" after it matures. It doesn't mean he cares less or loves something more. He's a guy and that's the way guys are. I no longer buy my wife flowers every week or wish to spend every waking moment with her, but she's still my wife and I love her.

I wish you would have said that earlier, before my ex-Girlfriend aquired the 'ex-' part. :p

This is after being together eight years... I can't wait to hit the fifty year mark :p

Damn, chewy, have you and the wife been together that long? It doesn't seem that long.

This is after being together eight years... I can't wait to hit the fifty year mark :p
Working on 10 but it feels like 50!!:D

This job changes everyone, period. When someone becomes a cop, they change. Also, as everyone said, relationships cool down. He's in a very stressful time right now. He has no earthly idea as to what the hell he is doing (not picking on him, that's just how it is with all rookies, even after all that academy training), is constantly being scrutinized by his FTO, every single move is under the microscope, he can be fired for the simplist screw up because he's on probation, and he's not guaranteed to pass FTO. he's got a lot of stress on him and a lot of new things being experienced, some more horrible than he would ever wish on his worst enemy. He will not be the same person he was ever again. You either have to accept this or find someone else.

my life if pretty complicated as well.. I work full time, model on the side and I’m finishing my MBA.
....well, if things don't work out......;)

Seriously though, things will be fine as long as you guys keep communicating - as you said he's going through major things in life, seeing and doing things that are very difficult to cope with especially when you're new on the job, it's early days for him and it'll only get easier just be there to support him when he needs it.

All of his time and energy right now is focused on FTO, and you're going to have to accept that. Find other things to do in your free time, like hanging out with your friends or a hobby that you enjoy. Be there to support him if and when he needs it, but don't pressure him. He has a lot of new-found responsibility on his shoulders, and it will probably take him some time to get used to it.

If you haven't already done so, pick up a copy of "I Love a Cop" by Ellen Kirschman. It's a great book and will give you valuable insight as to what your new officer is going through and what you can do to ease the transition.

Sounds like you guys have a solid relationship, and I'm sure you will be just fine. Don't worry about it. :)

The first six months on the street is a real make and break time for
new officers. You are forced to become on the spot decision makers.
There is a noticable change in character in a new officer.
They may seem cold and distant as a result.
New LEOs are adapting to a whole new way of life.
Give it time to settle down.

The odds on him being a LEO in 2 years is about 35%.

AND last but not least, you should be TALKING to him not us.

Best Wishes and I hope it works out for you.

A lot of good advice, especially from Podz. Just keep in mind that during the field training process, he is not a "full fledged officer." He is having to prove himself to his FTO every minute that he is on the job until he finishes field training. Considering the variety of responsibilities associated with this job, that's a lot of pressure to be under. In addition, he probably is not on a regular schedule now -- he's still adapting to a new shift, new work days, and probably a substantial amount of overtime/studying. This may explain the hopefully temporary change you're seeing.

That being said, I have seen a substantial number of people change their personal lives substantially after becoming a cop. For whatever reason, it seems quite common to see officers getting divorces after a short time on the job.

If you truly love him, just hang in there, but be realistic -- be prepared that it might not work out. Communication is always important. Get a feel for how much he likes to talk about work, and try to help him keep a healthy balance as far as "not taking the job home." When I saw the subject of this thread, "I Love a Cop," I thought this was going to be about a book that has the same title, by Ellen Kirschman. It's a good read for officers and those close to them -- especially those new to the job. As a matter of fact, I believe some agencies distribute the book to new recruits and/or their spouses to help them adapt. Best wishes!

Edit: I just noticed Ninja beat me to the book recommendation -- so +1 on his advice there.

You said in your other post (http://forums.realpolice.net/showthread.php?t=34822) that this man was your fiance, were you just being hopeful?

Anyway, I don't think there is anything you are going to be able to do. He's going through big changes and if you are going to be a part of that change, it will happen. If he's changing enough that you are two are going to be incompatable, there is nothing you are going to be able to do about that.

Don't stress on it, just keep working the relationship and being there for him. And don't do anything drastic until he gets out of FTO time (at least if FTO is anything there like I've been told to prepare for here)... Then things will settle down a little bit and he might have more time for you and such.