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12-01-02, 12:04 AM
I have a question....my Fiance and I work different shifts. He works 3p-11p and I work 8a-5p. He's off Mondays and Tuesdays and I'm off Saturdays and Sundays. I also have 2 children ages 5 and 3 from my first marriage that take a lot of our time as well. (He's a wonderful "father" to my kids and they adore him.)
My question is, though the shift differences have not been a conflict for us so far...I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to keep it from becoming a problem. He loves his shift...so I don't feel comfortable asking him to change shifts when I know he wouldn't be as happy on the day shift. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I do not have a shift option at my job and even if I did my children would prevent me from working a 3-11 shift. So far--a year and a half now--we really haven't had problem with it. I guess what got me thinking about it wa talking to another officer's wife and she said it was ruining her marriage. (They have been married 10 years.) It makes me want to prevent a problem before there is one.
One thing I will say for my man though, he comes home for dinner every night and checks in at the house on breaks. Luckily, we live within the area he patrols. He also calls when he can. Once or twice a month he gets a babysitter for the kids and we go out to dinner or whatever. I stay up and wait for him at least four nights a week...sleep is less important than time with him. I really can't think of anything else we can do to stay connected despite the shift differences.
I thought maybe ya'll may have some great words of wisdom for me here...
12-01-02, 01:39 AM
Hey, Girl...it sounds like you have yourself an incredible one. I'd just go with it for right now. REmember, things sre going to change, eventually. It seems like you both are able to adapt well and with that, you have half the battle won. I know that the idea of not having as much time together really sucks, but it may actually end up being the thing that keeps your marriage alive. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to have your days off coordinate. Even if it is just once or twice a month. Or if they can overlap.
I've been there, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers...it's not easy, but you and your man sound like people who can make it work.
PS-I'm so glad to hear that his relationship with the kids is good! Keep him!!!!LOL
12-01-02, 08:37 PM
Thanks Traffic Goddess. I am very lucky to have found a man like him. He is more than I ever dreamed a man could be. Having been in an emotionally, verbally and occaisionally physically abusive marriage for 8 years, I know what I have with him is precious. He also went through a rough marriage and a nasy divorce, so he feels the same way I do. We don't want to lose what we have which is great because we are always trying to avoid problems before they occur. (Which doesn't always work mind you!)
Words really do not do him justice...he has no children of his own yet treats mine as though they are his even though their biological father still sees them on a regular basis. Though my ex makes A LOT more money than my Fiance, Blaine, and I, it's Blaine that makes sure the kids always have shoes that fit and warm clothes. When my son has special events at school, it's Blaine that works over on his shift so he can have two or three hours off for my son. His biological father rarely even shows up. Blaine goes to parent/teacher conferences with me and is very active in my son's education. He works with him at home learning all those challenging Kindergarten tasks of tying shoes, marching, etc. And he sits my three year old on his lap at the computer and plays Bob the Builder games with her for hours. He has Disney movie marathons with them on his day off. He'll go by the Daycare about noon pick them up, get lunch and just spend time with them while i am at work.
One of my proudest moments and the moment my parents knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had chosen the right man this time, was at my son's preschool graduation. He looked so cute in his mini cap and gown!! Of course, Blaine was there, my son's biological father was not. At one point during the ceremony, each child had to stand up, say their name and state what they wanted to be when they grew up. My son, stood up, said his name and said "I want to be a Police Officer like my Daddy Blaine when I grow up!" Not only was it the first time my son had said anything about being a police officer, it was the first time my son had called him Daddy Blaine. Blaine's eyes watered as everyone clapped. Later that night my son asked Blaine to be his real Daddy!
I love Blaine for who he is. I was not looking for a father for my children when I met Blaine. I made that very clear. I had been both Mom and Dad for awhile at that point, I figured the kids and I had all we needed. The relationship he developed with my children was very much theirs. I never interfered or insisted the kids show him affection. They do it because they have grown to love him and they have a strong bond because I didn't push them all together. I am so lucky to have found a man who was able to include my kids in every aspect of his life. Many men run the other way when you tell them you have children!
Okay...I just went rambling off there...sorry!!
Your idea about days off overlapping is a great idea. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about letting me work 4 ten hour days one week a month so I can have a Monday off. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks!!!
Thank you for your prayers as well. I too will remember you in mine!!!
12-02-02, 12:30 AM
Wow....does he have a brother? A friend? :::sigh::::
I am now, where you were....
Currently, I am just trying to make it day to day and I have my eye on the goal of getting out with my son.
Hang on to him...and send me the friend or the brother!
12-02-02, 02:19 AM
He has two brothers, but alas they are both married...however, he has some nice single friends!!! lol
The last couple I fixed up just got married two weeks ago!!!!
I know what you are going through and I know how hard it is.
I wish I could say something that would make it all better for you. Unfortunately, there's not. I will say this though...be true to yourself and follow your heart. Know that in the end everything will be okay. I can see you are a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders. I also know there are days you don't feel that way.
I remember looking at my ex when I told him I wanted a divorce and though I don't remember what he said my reply to him was "You can't hurt me anymore. You have done your worst and I have come through it. I am stronger than you."
That became my mantra.
You will never be presented with a situation from which you will not learn something. You come through it wiser and stronger. Know that and you will be okay.
I am here if you want to "talk". Just a post or an email away.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as is your son!!!!
12-03-02, 03:42 AM
Thank you...you have helped me in ways that you just can't imagine!
WAIT A MINUTE!!
It's husbands like yours, Fighstee12, that make us work all the much harder!
Actually, he's an example of what I would like to be like when I become and LEO. You're very lucky and I'm sure he's very lucky as well:) . Just had to butt-in on a conversation.
P.S. Goddess, Imma still keepin my eye on yous.....*stink-eye*;)
What do you need advice for? You should be giving it. Coming from a male LEO, I can't see how you would want anything other than what you have. You sound very happy and very much in love. Stay dedicated to you man and he will return the favor. You should write a book. Kinda sounds like you have the perfect balance. An extreme rarity in LE relationships. Hell, I started tearing up at the "daddy" story. That's my absolute favorite word, especially when it's preceded by "I love you".
12-04-02, 08:51 PM
Thanks Nitey....and yes he is very lucky! ;)
and thank you Resqr1...I don't know if I'm ready to write a book just yet! lol But you are right, perhaps the old adage "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" applies here. Though I value greatly what he and I have, it never hurts to be reminded I am blessed! Thanks again!!!!
12-23-02, 11:38 AM
Dejavu....Batmas just said that this morning. My daughter came in the kitchen when we were talking and she kissed him and said, "I Love you Daddy". He said, that's my favorite thing in the whole world. God Bless resqr1, Blaine, and all the other devoted "Daddys" out there.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts in this forum Fighstee12. If you continue to be aware of your spouse and your marriage you'll have nothing to worry about. Those that forget to contribute to their marriages and take them for granted are the ones that run into trouble. Just take time.
12-24-02, 06:06 PM
Thanks Island Girl and Happy Holidays!!!
MAY YOU ALL HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY HOLIDAY and a BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!