Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

I've heard many different statistics related to LEO's, one in particular that their divorce rates are one of the highest. However, I haven't been able to find solid facts or stats that prove this. Does anyone know where I could find such information?

As a fiance to an LEO I probably shouldn't even consider searching for such material but my curiousity has gotten the best of me.
:rolleyes:

Thanks

well what make you think so? dont you want a forever marriage with your lover?

nah, well in my country, seldom got leo get married and divorse with their wife or vise versa. It mihgt be happening but the cases is 1 vs 1000.

Ethics in America is like a college elective, learned but never used.

Of course I want to, and will get married. And there is no doubt in my mind that we will be together forever (we've been together since we were 17!), but I am curious if the statistics I hear are true, and if so, why. That kind of information could be helpful when it comes to knowing where you may need to work a little harder on your relationship in the future.

Your right about the ethics though, how many people do I know that have married and divorced by age 26? More than I would like to admit.

Ok based on my humble opinion, here is what i find.

Well the girl will divorse on some situation such as, cannot tolorate with his husband (eg. Working time flexible and dont have much time to meet each other)

Guys might be like having so much anger at work and when they come back nothing but complain (i am those kind and still changing my attitude)

Well there are alot more reason, and nowadays i notice even in my country, girls and guys can just divorse because of small matters, very small matters such as, just an argument on why she treat his friend so rude and so.

I dont know why, but it seems like the world is changing!

I have that information but not the time at this moment to relay it. I will do it first thing in the morning. This happens to be something of an interest to me because my husband and I have discussed implementing a program to lessen the divorce statistics among LEOs....such as the sexual harassment implementations in the past decade has lessen incidents. I'll explain more when I get the chance. Email me if you wish..... girlrunningwithscissors@yahoo.com Been with my LEO for over 11 years. Take care and I'll be in touch.

A link that I think is very useful is for the Central Florida Police Stress Unit, Inc. [24 Hour Hot Line: (407) 428-1800 ]

http://www.policestress.org/main.htm#purpose

It's pretty straight forward. Let me know what you think or if you have a link that you wish to share. Take care.

When I started on the Road Patrol years ago, the older generation of officers at that time had almost a 100% divorce rate. That generation of officers is gone and replaaced by a younger group, so I'd say the currently serving officers have perhaps a 25% divorce rate. I am willing to bet that the rate will climb the longer they stay on the Job.

Nationally, the divorce rate for officers is 85%.

I am on MY second marriage.

My husband is in the academy right now. He was told the stats and shared them with me. He then handed me a list of reading material that they encourage spouses to read.

It helps to educate yourself. Read, read, read! On my initial search, I found nothing but negative information(divorce, infidelity, etc.). I kept with it and started finding positive info.

While the divorce rate IS high for LEO, his dept. seems to have a high marital success rate. I attribute this to a strong support system and communication.

I had a veteran cop tell me that when couples that are together before one half becomes LE there are rifts in the marriage after the job.
It is because that person changes, for the good, bad whatever.
Wheras if the perosn becomes involved(or married) after they are LEO the spouse only knows them as LEO.
I know that in my dept the spouse swapping, seperations, divorces were a big problem in the past. Not so much now.
I can only speak from experince.
My wife and I have been together sonce we were 17. We are now in our mid 20's and since then I became a cop.
The job changed me. My wife tells me and I myself see it. we are not in the mits of a seperation. All we can do is adapt and understand one another's feelings and what it is tha makes them happy.
What I am saying is that expect some change either big or small. And adapt to it.

TG

hmmm anyone got one for firefighters my dateing life sucks lol

Interesting....Does anyone know the stats for 2 officers that are married?

Don't know any exact statistics, but I read somewhere years back that military and cops (maybe only in some studies, and areas, or job types) had more marriage breakups. I know that in the military the jobs can be stressful which wouldn't help, an especially if you're on call-that could hurt some relationships. But the article mentioned that time away definitely hurt, and some military members admitted getting married sooner than they preferred, to go on assignments with someone.

America

I don't pay much attention to the statistics because it seems to me divorce rate is high all together. I do have some advice though for the fiance. Get to know as much as you can about his job and just what is entails. It seems to me that officers whose significant others are involed in some aspect of their job have the better relationships. My husband is an officer and i am a dispatcher, reserve for a diff. department and emt. I am fully aware of the stesses he has in the day and he knows he can come home and discuss things and I will know what he is talking about.

Couples who play together stay together!!

my take on this is very simple, if you truly love each other, it doesent matter what he or she does it will always work.

Originally posted by BlueRain


As a fiance to an LEO I probably shouldn't even consider searching for such material but my curiousity has gotten the best of me.


It seems to me that not looking for the info would be a case of serious denial which could definately lead to problems. My wife is also concerned about these statistics, but has informed herself about the job and it's daily stresses. I would have to say that becoming a member of this board is a really good first step to supporting your fiances career. You may also want to check with whatever PD your finace is going to, as they usually have some support mechanisms for spouses.

I hate to revive such an old thread, but I stumbled upon these sites that may be helpful to those interested in this subject, so here it is........

http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/avoidingdivorce/a/policestress.htm

Thanks for that link. Some of the information was extremely useful.

I cant believe this post is still getting responses!! Thanks for the info Theresa - it was helpful.

I am going to be married to an officer, the best thing I've read so far and it really opens your eye's to help you choose whether or not you should marry a cop is " I love a cop" i forget the name of the auther but I'm sure you could look it up.

every one of my bufellow officers at work had been married more than once.i never seemed to fit in with them because of the lighthearted attitude they displayed about marriage.i just did not see how you could fall in and out of love so many times. this november i will be married 33 years to the same woman.

you might want to check this site out.

http://www.managercoaching.org/police_spouse/

Tutorial for a Police Officer's Spouse

my take on this is very simple, if you truly love each other, it doesent matter what he or she does it will always work.


I agree. I'm afraid for a 17 year old, I'm quite old fashioned, and I think you go into a marriage knowing full well what might happen, but your love for your spouse should be strong enough to overcome any obstacle.

What it comes down to is if the person you are going to be married to (the officer,male OR female) is secure in themselves. It's a persons character, not job, that makes them who they are in and out of a uniform. (although some might like to blame it on the job....easy way out)

every one of my bufellow officers at work had been married more than once.i never seemed to fit in with them because of the lighthearted attitude they displayed about marriage.i just did not see how you could fall in and out of love so many times. this november i will be married 33 years to the same woman.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!

Why pay attention to statisitcs, do what you can and make it a great marriage out of what you've got, if there's reason to leave like abuse, leave, but now days people divorce cause one snores to o loud!
I am a fiance to an LAPD Officer and it's harder on us than woman who have guy's who work 9-5 desk jobs of course, our spuces stress level is higher and so is ours.
My cop and I spend time working out together and eat healthy as well as read articles, forums and always are open talkers and such, we do what we have to to destress and relax in a short amount of time and we do everyting we can do get along when we may want to bite each others heads off, often a little kick boxing helps=)
You can't pay attention to statistics, if I did I wouldn't get married to begin with. Good luck.

95% of statistics are misleading

mjhdt07, I must agree with you.

No marriage, regardless of the spouses individual occupations, is easy. EVERY relationship has problems and conflict. A relationship without conflict is not truly a relationship. When you bring two different people, with two different backgrounds and life experiences and personalities together, there are bound to be conflicts. If you don't have ANY conflict in your relationship, then I can identify one major problem you are having, that will eventually destroy things: lack of communication.

The key in any successful relationship (whether romantic or platonic) is communication and the willingness to try to resolve your issues. If both people are open and involved in making things better, just about any relationship can work. Relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. And if one person isn't giving the relationship their all, it won't work.

LE marriages just have different types of problems than many other marriages. Not necessarily more. Relationships need time, nurturing, love, and effort to grow and prosper.

Unfortunately, with LEO's, scheduling can be incredibly difficult (just one of many potential problems). We live in a society that revolves around the 9-5/M-F workday. LEOs don't work such conventional shifts, and often are excluded as a result from some of the "normal" family activities and patterns. While this is a unique problem, compared to most of society, it allows for unique solutions. Many LE families schedule holidays and events on different days, and make them just as special, if not more so, than the original day. It requires being creative and flexible in order to accomodate everyone in the family. And this can help foster very memorable and special traditions that can be treasured for years. Sure, most people spend Christmas morning opening presents. But, why do what everyone else is doing when you can do something unique and special to your family?

Plus, this sort of creativity and flexibility is a wonderful lesson for children. And, if done right, and with enthusiasm, will teach chlidren that life doesn't always work the way you'd like it to, but that there is always a way to make lemonade out of lemons. It will make your children better friends, lovers, parents, employees, bosses, community members, etc. when they become adults. And that alone should be enough to make dealing with the hardships of your spouse's crazy schedule not so bad.

Even with other issues that come up for LEOs and their families, solutions are always available, if both people WANT to work at it and fix things. If one person isn't interested or committed, then it makes no difference what the other person does.

While I am not currently married to an LEO, my boyfriend of nearly 7 years is just about to enter the Police Academy. He's been working in LE for a few years now, as a Community Service Officer, and before that worked with or was involved with his local PD in other capacities. Throughout our time together, we have gone through major schedule changes at least every six months. We're used to not seeing each other as often as we like. We're used to having to renegotiate our time together every few months. We're used to making sacrifices and doing things differently than before. Sometimes, it takes a little while to get used to the new way, but we always manage. I love him very, very deeply, and am completely committed to him. I know how important this all is to him, as it has been his dream for many years to work in LE. And, I would do whatever it took to help him succeed in that. Will it be easy? No. But, will it be worth it? Yes, definitely.

While seeing the statistics about police marriages is certainly daunting, I think it has more to do with the individuals behind the statistics than it does with the job itself. Divorce rates are high all across the board, and other professions have rates as high as those for LEOs. My thought is that we live in a society with so many people who are too self-concerned and interested, and not willing to sacrifice and give to their partner. True and committed love is rare, I think -- rarer than it should be, anyway. Finding someone who loves you enough to do what it takes to make your relationship succeed is not an easy task. All it takes is for one person in the relationship to ultimately care more about themselves than their partner for the marriage to fail. If BOTH people honestly put their partner first, above everything else, including the job (only excluding children under the age of 18, who are dependent on their parents for survival), there is little reason for the relationship to fail.

When I marry, I don't plan on ever getting divorced. Is that a bold thing to say? Of course. But, I say that because I know that when I decide to commit myself to someone in marriage, I have decided to commit myself to them for life. I'm willing to make whatever sacrifices are ultimately necessary to make things work. I'm willing to to make my SO my first priority. I just hope that my future spouse shares the same values I do. And should my SO and I decide to eventually take that step, I'd be committed to making our relationship work, and last, despite the conflicts and problems that arise.

I'm re-reading Dr. Ellen Kirschman's "I Love a Cop." There was one passage in there that really stood out to me: Nobody on their death bed regrets not spending more time at the office. But, a lot of people do regret not having spent enough time, or showing enough love and devotion to their family and other loved ones. Keep that in mind, and it may help keep your relationship in perspective too.

as a old folk as one so nicely stated i would suggest you not concern yourself with the info.when found it is not something you would like to see.you would be better served in just using your energies within your marriage.it does go on but all too much.

In one of our academy classes on ethics and scenarios they gave us the following list which was an anonynmus survey taken by a few police departments in Oregon:

13% Believe in All Ten Commandments
50% Called in sick when they weren't
91% Lie 3-4 times a Day
31% Married people have had an affair
47% Aren't sure they would marry the same person again
72% Don't know their next door neighboor
70% Say There are no American Hero's


I just thought those were [retty interesting percentages. For some reason, I wasn't really suprised about the affair thing, although I honestly thought it would be higher.

I've heard many different statistics related to LEO's, one in particular that their divorce rates are one of the highest. However, I haven't been able to find solid facts or stats that prove this. Does anyone know where I could find such information?

As a fiance to an LEO I probably shouldn't even consider searching for such material but my curiousity has gotten the best of me.
:rolleyes:

Thanks

I have heard this aswell and believe it is true. Most of the people I work with have had a divorce or are currently going through one. Most of what causes it is the non LEO not wanting to know what happened at work. It is very important for LEO's to talk about it. Sometimes it is that the LEO doesn't want to bother or stress out their loved one. It causes several things to go wrong.

Hmmm....all I know when someone has the problem:

1. Wife got a serious problem; no time to communicate with each other due to schedule changes, she got tired of waiting for him to come home, she wants love but he's too beat already.

2. She has a problem with the spouse because her spouse didn't come to see his/her son's/daughter's school play. Not the spouse's fault, jeez.

3. She cooked meals for him but every evening, he didn't get home on time for dinner, he got hang on the tight ropes and works harder on the reports. Can't blame him, not his fault.

4. They didn't ...<clearing throat> so they only produced one child and she wants one more. No time or tired out after hard work. And she's upset. Not his fault.

I met a couple of guys who told me they have one child with the first spouses and second child with the second spouses and the one child from the last spouses..all failed marriages. Sad. They're glad they're out of wives' aprons and forget 'em. Same apply to female cops who have spouses problem all because husbands didn't want them to work as cops. They fear they will lose them in line of fire and they will have to deal with their children. So some panicked. I dunno what's going on. First they support their loves with the careers of their choices, then they abandon them. :eek:

Not to start a huge fight, but it sounds like you but the burden of blame on the non-LEO spouse, Whitewolf. It usually takes two to tango. LEO marriages also break up because the LEO becomes distant and emotionally cold due to not learning how to switch their emotions back on after work. They take out the stress of their jobs on their families. They make no time for their families when they are off, instead wishing to retreat into solitary, or hanging out with their LEO friends. They become physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive and demanding, trying to control their spouses and children like they try to control criminals on the street. They succumb to "badge bunnies" and end up involved in an extra-marital affair. etc. etc.

My point is not that LEOs are bad spouses. It's not the uniform that makes you a bad spouse. Anyone, regardless of gender or occupation can be a bad spouse. And since you can't change anyone else, the only thing you can do is take responsibility for your own actions and decisions, and not be a bad spouse yourself. If the other person fails to meet you half way, then at least you have done all you could.

And no one should use the fact that LEOs have a tough job as an excuse for their behavior. They CHOSE to have that job, which means they also chose, by default, to deal with the consequences of it. It isn't right to take that out on your spouse and children, who did not force you to choose that career path. Also, while it may be difficult dealing with the scum of society, and violence and evil every day, it is also hard being married yet alone, concerned for your LEO, having to take on full responsibility of raising your children, keeping up the house, supporting your LEO, and probably holding down a job too. And if you don't think that is stressful, you are sorely mistaken. It's more than a full time job. While the LEO gets to clock out at the end of his shift, the spouse doesn't. While the LEO is working, the spouse is tending to matters at home, all alone. And when the LEO comes home, and kicks his feet up to relax, the spouse still has to tend to the house and other family matters, as well as their job.

It's quite simple, if you're not willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work, you shouldn't get married at all. That right there would drop the divorce rate almost completely down to zero.

okay... end rant.

LEO marriages also break up because the LEO becomes distant and emotionally cold due to not learning how to switch their emotions back on after work. Im sorry you went there...I agree on the emotionally distant, however it is usually caused by the LEO not wanting to cause his/her spouse any undue stress. I am sorry LEO is an LEO 24/7 there is no switching. HOWEVER there is a way that everything has to be delt with.



They take out the stress of their jobs on their families. They make no time for their families when they are off, instead wishing to retreat into solitary, or hanging out with their LEO friends. Not all LEO's do this. They do this, hang out with other LEO's because there is a commonality. Alot of the people I work with myself included do not hangout with other LEO's because we understand the importance of friends and a life outside of the LEO relm.


They become physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive and demanding, trying to control their spouses and children like they try to control criminals on the street. They succumb to "badge bunnies" and end up involved in an extra-marital affair. etc. etc. sounds like a bit too much television. Not all LEO's behave like this...I will say a few do. I can't speak for them but I will say that it sounds like you are saying all LEO's



And no one should use the fact that LEOs have a tough job as an excuse for their behavior. They CHOSE to have that job, which means they also chose, by default, to deal with the consequences of it. It isn't right to take that out on your spouse and children, who did not force you to choose that career path. Well the spouses have chosen to "jump" into the career with the LEO's and all it has to offer. I know women who are married to the people I work with that are absolutely horrified of the job and all that it intails. She doesn't want to know anything. Now where do you think that puts that LEO? No one to talk to when he gets home from work? That's fair. But I am sure that he has to hear that little Jimmy has 3 cavities and needs braces, and how the new mop and glow doesn't work the same as the old one. Oh and then he will need to decide on the wallpaper with his significant other...oh and on the days off..he will need to hang said wallpaper.


Also, while it may be difficult dealing with the scum of society, and violence and evil every day, it is also hard being married yet alone, concerned for your LEO, having to take on full responsibility of raising your children, keeping up the house, supporting your LEO, and probably holding down a job too. And if you don't think that is stressful, you are sorely mistaken. It's more than a full time job. While the LEO gets to clock out at the end of his shift, the spouse doesn't. While the LEO is working, the spouse is tending to matters at home, all alone. And when the LEO comes home, and kicks his feet up to relax, the spouse still has to tend to the house and other family matters, as well as their job
OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT! HELLO single mom here...when do I ever clock out? To say that LEO spouses have the full responsibility of raising "your children". YEAH RIGHT! I can count on one finger how many of my LEO partner's wives have jobs.




It's quite simple, if you're not willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work, you shouldn't get married at all. That right there would drop the divorce rate almost completely down to zero. Yeah that goes for both.


I have to say I think I have the upper hand. Most men love to hear the cop stories. They would love to hear about the two assaults with deadly weapon calls I had tonight. I can honestly say I don't think a man would worry the way a women would.

I am sorry dani24 to have ranted on your rant...but it just appeared that you were lumping everything on the LEO's and I have to say that if you really did know what goes on during a shift you might have a different look on things. I agree it takes two and there are SOME men that don't take responsibility when they need to. But to lump all LEO into the catagory of "when they come home and kick their feet up" I think that is a bit of an oversite.

Im sorry you went there...I agree on the emotionally distant, however it is usually caused by the LEO not wanting to cause his/her spouse any undue stress. I am sorry LEO is an LEO 24/7 there is no switching. HOWEVER there is a way that everything has to be delt with.

I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. It is possible to switch gears when you come home. I know plenty of LEOs who do just that. They don't bring their "cop" attitude home with them (aggressive, controlling, stoic and unemotional, etc.). This attitude is great for the job, but horrible for the home life. It can, and should be switched off when leaving the job. Any police psychologist would back me up here.



sounds like a bit too much television. Not all LEO's behave like this...I will say a few do. I can't speak for them but I will say that it sounds like you are saying all LEO's

Let me clarify. I NEVER said all LEOs. I'm sorry that you did not read what I wrote very clearly. What I was listing was examples of some of the things that can happen on the LEOs side of the marriage that could cause problems. Not all LEOs will experience or participate in these things. Some will, however. The things I listed are not from TV, but from actual data and research on policing that I have read over the years by police psychologists. And, from personal knowledge of LEOs I am friends/acquaintances with, I can vouch for the fact that it does happen with some LEOs and doesn't happen with others. I never argued otherwise.



Well the spouses have chosen to "jump" into the career with the LEO's and all it has to offer. I know women who are married to the people I work with that are absolutely horrified of the job and all that it intails. She doesn't want to know anything. Now where do you think that puts that LEO? No one to talk to when he gets home from work? That's fair. But I am sure that he has to hear that little Jimmy has 3 cavities and needs braces, and how the new mop and glow doesn't work the same as the old one. Oh and then he will need to decide on the wallpaper with his significant other...oh and on the days off..he will need to hang said wallpaper.

First of all, both partners have a responsibilty towards the marriage. If either of them are unwilling to do what it takes, on their end to make the marriage work, then they shouldn't be married. Just as an LEO who is unable to deal with and negotiate the stresses of his/her occupation and the effects on their marriage should not get married in the first place, neither should a potential spouse who is unwilling to deal with a negotiate the marriage too.



OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT! HELLO single mom here...when do I ever clock out? To say that LEO spouses have the full responsibility of raising "your children". YEAH RIGHT! I can count on one finger how many of my LEO partner's wives have jobs.

As a single mother, you certainly have a different situation than that which I was talking about. What I said does not apply to you. I was talking solely about circumstances where there is a married couple. And, if you go back and read, I mentioned that the spouse often does have to hold down a job too. And even when they get home from their job, they still have to tend to the house and raise the kids, while some (not all) LEOs may come home and want to "unwind" and not have to deal with anything because their job is so stressful. My point is that in cases where this causes huge problems, the non-LEO spouse does not get such a break where the LEO spouse takes over for a while to let the non-LEO spouse have time to themselves to unwind, too. In a successful family/marriage, both partners should not devalue what the other partner does and act like what they do is more important or more stressful or more worthy than what the other spouse does. And they should both, ideally, work together to try to support and help each other.



I have to say I think I have the upper hand. Most men love to hear the cop stories. They would love to hear about the two assaults with deadly weapon calls I had tonight. I can honestly say I don't think a man would worry the way a women would.

This depends entirely on the individual. True, men are probably more likely to be interested in hearing the gory details, as our society conditions men to be more interested in those sorts of things. However, there are many women out there that are interested, and can handle it too (myself being one of them). And, there are many men out there that wouldn't even want to hear about it, let alone date a female cop (mostly because it can confuse more traditional gender roles and make the guy feel uncomfortable and unsure of his role in the relationship...thus, it takes a strong, emotionally secure man to have a good relationship with a female cop).




I am sorry dani24 to have ranted on your rant...but it just appeared that you were lumping everything on the LEO's and I have to say that if you really did know what goes on during a shift you might have a different look on things. I agree it takes two and there are SOME men that don't take responsibility when they need to. But to lump all LEO into the catagory of "when they come home and kick their feet up" I think that is a bit of an oversite.

No, I'm sorry you misread what I wrote as saying ALL LEO's do these things. That was never my intention.

My rant was not to put the blame on LEOs for the failure of the marriage. I don't disagree that the things Whitewolf listed the non-LEO spouse does can, and does contribute to divorce. They certainly do in many cases. What I was doing was presenting the other side, because I felt as if Whitewolf's argument was very one sided. I can certainly write up just as long of a post on all the things non-LEO spouses do to screw up their marriages. Both sides can, and do make fatal mistakes. I just wanted to be sure both sides were represented in the interest of fairness.

dani24 I have to say that the night I replied to your post I was a bit punchy. It was a long shift and I am sorry.
As with ANY marriage it is or should be 50/50. I know coming from one which was not that many of the things that you said "kicking up the feet" or thinking their job is more important than the spouses is true for just about any occupation. I know that this is a LEO board so who else would you talk about but LEO's. I just felt that the LEO's were getting a little unfair judgement is all. I know personally that they work hard, I can't speak for what happens at their houses but I know the stress the job puts on them. I know when I come home I need some time to myself...silence. I have to think about decisions I have made, mistakes that I have made and need to not make again. I think it takes some time to "switch gears" from one to the other.
As with any relationship is is communication which is key. Being sensitive to the needs of the other person is also key. But hey who am I to talk, I am divorced and no prospects of marriage on the horizon!! LOL :D Friends?

I have to say I think I have the upper hand. Most men love to hear the cop stories. They would love to hear about the two assaults with deadly weapon calls I had tonight.

Maybe most men would like hearing about this, but not my hubby. He gets squeamish if I talk about blood & gore. Most guys, yeah, my guy, no. :(

LR

dani24 I have to say that the night I replied to your post I was a bit punchy. It was a long shift and I am sorry.

I can completely understand. Sometimes I get a bug up my butt, and just go on the attack without stopping to breathe. No harm done. :)




I just felt that the LEO's were getting a little unfair judgement is all. I know personally that they work hard, I can't speak for what happens at their houses but I know the stress the job puts on them. I know when I come home I need some time to myself...silence. I have to think about decisions I have made, mistakes that I have made and need to not make again. I think it takes some time to "switch gears" from one to the other.

Like I mentioned, the only reason I posted such a negative post toward LEOs was because I felt that the non-LEO spouses were getting a little unfair judgement from Whitewolf's post. So, I responded to try to balance things out.

I won't argue that it's a stressful job. And having time to unwind shouldn't be a problem. If that's what the officer needs, then his/her spouse should try their hardest to accommodate that. Though, it should be a two way street. The LEO should recognize what their spouse needs too (time alone with them, time off from household duties and raising the kids, acknowledgement via a hug or kiss when the LEO gets home, or whatever it may be), and they should be just as willing to accommodate their spouse. That's all about compromise and consideration for your partner.

I know in one of the books I was reading about being in a relationship with an LEO, it gave an example of a cop who would come home and feel bombarded by his wife with her frustrations and concerns, and he wouldn't have a chance to switch gears. So, eventually they talked about it, and agreed that when he got home he'd say hello to them and the kids, and then he'd take some time to unwind, alone. And then he'd come out and be an active part of the family. It took effort on both of their parts, but it sounds like it was successful.

Maybe most men would like hearing about this, but not my hubby. He gets squeamish if I talk about blood & gore. Most guys, yeah, my guy, no. :(

LR

Aww that is too bad...So I guess you know where I was coming from when I said that the LEO's can't talk to their spouses about work. Sounds like your hubby is like my mom and dad. LOL

Aww that is too bad...So I guess you know where I was coming from when I said that the LEO's can't talk to their spouses about work. Sounds like your hubby is like my mom and dad. LOL

Hehehe... even my kids' dad squirms when he sees the blood. Gosh. No wonder he dreamed of being a cop or detective if he's hearing. And once he found out the hard way, he can't handle the sights. :D So once the movies are there, he'll cover his eyes. While I'm munching my popcorns watching the gory movies....eeww. I'm sorry, LR, that your hubby can't take it. My kids' dad can't take it either. But we love them for that, eh?

I can't say I have ever had a problem hearing about the job. I have had some quams about the small talk, but besides that...I have listened to quite a bit.

Considering I've always had an interest in forensics, and a fascination with medicine, the gore and death doesn't really get to me.

I would much prefer my boyfriend to tell me about his day, and be able to openly discuss what he's seen and experienced, without having to censor himself. I'm the last person he should be worried about freaking out. I tend to have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and try to keep everything in perspective. It's his parents that he has to protect. They freak out over everything. I usually try to keep him on the ground. Plus, I've spent a lot of time educating myself about the realities of the job so that there are no real surprises. If he comes home and tells me he was shot at, will it be scary? Of course. But will I freak out and tell him to quit and make a gigantic blubbery scene out of it? No way. Besides, that won't help him get past it either. These things happen with LEOs, and the best approach is to be thankful it wasn't more serious, and then work to try to move on and move forward.

i have been married 32 years to a lady who is a non leo. it almost cost me my marriage when i went into a shell. she ask me to share my work with her and i did. after a few times she ask me to keep it to myself.if you share that means you are bringing your work home . you have to seperate the two.when i learned to do that my marriage grew

I don't know about y'all...

but I moved here from where I used to live because of a cop that cheated on his wife with me, and it ended up ruining a lot of things for me. (big mess - i'm not getting into that. I don't want to create a flame war and I'm just now getting to a point where I'm over it, so I certainly don't want to drag that back up..)

After that, I ended up encountering quite a few other LEOs that either talked about cheating with me, or I had witnessed them bragging about cheating with other girls. It was ridiculous. It made me particularly upset because I had always wanted to be a cop, and they were making the job seem trashy to me.

It is not the job. It is the person. Trust me, it's everywhere.

It is not the job. It is the person. Trust me, it's everywhere.
Yeah, I'm really starting to believe that.

There are a lot of bad people out there. :(

Well I try not to judge people, regardless of my feelings. I don't walk in anyone's shoes but my own. I like to keep it that way. Less to worry about. I mean, in all honesty, I can think of a lot worse.

Don't dwell on things you can't change. Most people waste most of their time on things they can't change.

You got your life back on track now, focus on that.

And see - I go completely on my feeling and pre-judge everyone. I hate most people without giving them any sort of chance cause, well, they are people. They suck by design.

And I tend to dwell on everything. It's why I'm so unhappy. And you know what - I'm happy with that.

Thanks. :)

1. tell your wife the truth when she asks "How was your day?"

2. Never leave home without telling her or leaving her a note to say "I love you".

3. Leave a note on your pillow to remind her what she means to you.

4. place a note in her purse, telling her you were thinking about her.


these seem to be silly, but it works very well for me and my wife, she tells all her friends and family and it lets her know that besided the Job she is my world. :)

Damn! What is it today? Day of the of the living dead (threads)?!?!?!?!?!!

95% of statistics are misleading


This is very true, it reminds me of this quote:

" There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
--Benjamin Disraeli

I happen to be a certified Six Sigma Belt which equates to a stats nerd :D

My advice to save a marriage:

1) Dont tell your wife about the dangerous calls. I have learned to minimize what I do here at work; otherwise, the Mrs would worry constantly. Last year I received a medal of valor for taking down an armed gunman who had already shot a woman and was holding her two kids. I told my wife not to come to the ceremony so she wouldnt hear the details. She came, and she was quite PISSED that I put myself in danger. (Thats because I am a patrol lieutenant and she said my job is an office job.)

2) Have a life completely apart from the LEO world. I travel a lot and have lots of outside interests.

3) Stay away from the badge bunnies and learn to say "NO" to the females who flirt with you.

4) Live everyday as if it were your last because it might just be

Damn! What is it today? Day of the of the living dead (threads)?!?!?!?!?!!


Fo real!!! I'm seeing a lot of revived threads. At least I'm not compelled to shoot at these with a shotgun before they try to eat my brains... :D

LMAO I think it's friggin hilarious...people don't even notice the dates and they give advice to people that probably don't exist anymore (here anyway). Oh well, at least someone may read it and heed the advice.

95% of statistics are misleading

Quoted for truth

I definately agree with living each day as if it were your last. I've learned to appreciate the little things in life.

Sitting around after line up bull****ting and laughing with your squad is not a waste of time. Stopping and spending 10 minutes catching up with a buddy behind the station is an important thing to do.



I am happily divorced at age 27 and would have been divorced even if I wasn't a cop.


The flip side of "telling your spouse how your day is" is as cops we can tell if someone isn't interested. So don't ask how our day is if you really don't care.


I'd rather have you not ask then be watching the TV out of the corner of your eye when I try to tell you I'm proud of something I did.


I don't expect you to understand. Only the people that have BEEN there can understand. All I ask is that you listen. It's not like I'm going to recite every call I've been on for the last 12 hours...but every now and then I need to talk to someone other than my squad.

I just got married a lot because I was "popular"! :D

My opinion here. Regard, Not A POPULAR OPINION!! If you are married and get a divorce due to your profession, you are weak or your spouse is weak. I went through combat tours in Kuwait/Qatar and stayed with an M status (m+married). If I'm 2500 miles away from my spouse and still happilly married then there's no reason to be 2 miles away and divorced. I.E. Weakness is my answer. Stay strong, stay devoted, and DON'T DO IT.

I think your opinion is great. I agree with you totally... no one ever said marriage was going to be easy. Especially being married to the NYPD. Yes, it does make it harder but thats what Love and our vows are all about sticking together for better or worse. I know I will have a lot of bad days to come. But this is my job to stand by my husband. I have a lot of NYPD in my family and every one of them are still married and the job only seemed to make their marriage stronger. It's all what you make of it...Stay strong is right....