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Title is self explanatory...
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, so she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "cause you're ugly."
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Please, Come in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
He mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other; The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really!", replied the genie, " Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
09-12-04, 01:39 AM
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
09-14-04, 05:52 PM
ROFL! Am I the only one that finds these funny!?!?!
Ok, there was a lady who was trying to put a puzzle together. The only problem is that none of the pieces fit together. She could not figure out why non of them would go. So, she spread all the pieces out on the table and tried them all one by one. Still no luck. So, she called her boyfriend and told him her situation. Confused on why she could not put the puzzle together he asked, "What is the puzzle of?" She said, "It is a puzzle of a tiger." So, he said that he would be right over and five minutes later he was there. When he got there he took one look at the kitchen table and said........
"Hunny, go sit on the coach. I will put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
09-14-04, 06:00 PM
What do you call an Mexican hitch hiker?
09-14-04, 06:00 PM
^^twas only a joke!
09-14-04, 06:34 PM
Q: Did you hear about the elephant who threw up?
A: It was all over town!
09-14-04, 06:36 PM
LOL, yup.... that qualified as a Stupid Joke! :D
09-14-04, 06:48 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Why the long face?'
Two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.
09-14-04, 06:59 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"got any grapes?" bartender says no and the duck leaves. an hour later the duck comes back and asks again,"got any grapes?" bartender says no again and the duck leaves. The duck comes back in later and asks the bartender again, "got any grapes?" The bartender is fed up and finally says,"No I don't have any damn grapes. If you ask me again I'm gonna nail your *** to the wall."
The duck looks at the bartender and asks,"got any nails?"
The bartender says no.
The duck looks up at the bartender and asks,
"Got any grapes?"
09-14-04, 07:00 PM
Very stupid joke ahead.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet/
To stamp out flaming ducks. :D