Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

I don't know what to do. I've been married to my husband for 5 years. Together for 8. Recently, while perusing the computer I stumbled upon some sites that made me sick. They were gay sites for men. I don't know what to do, and I haven't said anything to him or anyone else (I'm humiliated). Everything has seemed great between us...I knew he looked at "dirty movies" on the computer, but it's always been other women. I just was wondering what to do....help! :( :confused:

I'm a very heterosexual male.. and in looking for heterosexual pornography, you can hit a fake link and end up with gay porn.. very easy to do and not at all indicative of his changed preference. Talk to him -- communication is the key. Just figure out a better way to say you were snooping his computer :)

I actually started typing in a website when the "list" came up, when I looked at them, I saw that he actually "joined" one of those sites, including "chatting". He has been very careful, up till that point, to erase/delete any and all "explicit" material. As far as snooping on his computer, it's actually our computer that the whole family uses. Good thing I saw it first and not my 14 year old....that aside, the thought of him having these "fantasies" or thoughts made me sick. This may not be "cheating" but it's the slippery slope and I'm scared.

I think you need to be getting advice from a marriage counselor, not police.

Well, I've heard about LEOs being more likely to "cheat" and being under undue "pressures" that stuff like this could happen. Not to mention other SO's have mentioned the use of computers for large amounts of pornography....I just thought another SO has dealt with this type of thing, gay or not. And how do they handle it. That's why I chose this area (spouses, etc - the other half).

I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I just really think that what you described is pretty serious. A married man subscribing to a gay men's web site is going to be a serious problem for him and his wife for a lot of reasons and it should be treated as a serious problem. Good luck, and I really mean that.

Check out his history list, to determine what days he visited those sites, and to get an idea of how often he did. Granted, with the cleaned-up history it may be difficult, bur the small remaining portion may be enough to give you a sample.

Do you have a firewall? If so, you can view a list of all of the site requests that have gone through it.

Be aware of banner ads, as sometimes they are pulled from porn sites, and would therefore be listed in your history.

Have a talk with him te try to determine what is going on. It starts with staring at a pop-up ad too long, and then leads to a porn site, and from then it leads to homosexual porn. Get both of you some help to try to take care of the situtation.

Thank you, that's what I will do. I did not know that "pop-ups" come in if it's not what you're "looking for". I thought they were specific to what other sites you had viewed previously. Even when I log on now I get the "start chatting with hot sexy singles in your area now..." and I'll try to hit delete, and they just multiply like bunnies. A few times, I HAVE gotten things I did not want, and had to turn off the computer as I could not erase them (gross) Thanks for hearing me out, anyway.

You very likely have adware or a trojan on your computer, this is not necessarily his fault (though you are more likely to pick it up associating with some sites more than others).

Look for Ad-aware (Lavasoft) or Spybot (not sure) to take care of it. Have also noticed that your home page has been changed, etc.?

First of all I've had this computer online for two years and never intentionally looked up porn but was surprised a few times at where a link took me.
Second if I had a wife I would have no desire to look at porn anyway.
Third, I'd never look at even by mistake gay porn.
I could post a link on some freeware programs that record keystrokes.

My homepage is now some blank "look up" page (everything from people to products listed). It used to be MSN, which I went back and put on and it dissapeared again. Needless to say, I am not very savvy with these machines, I don't have a virus look-up or stopper, never thought I really needed one as it is basic stuff (email, MSN, etc). I believe I will ask a specialist to come in, fix it, and block everything. As far as Zendik, I appreciate your opinion, but plenty of happily married couples still look at porn (both men and women alike). It doesn't interest me, but different strokes for different folks. And, my son typed in a search for Boats (row boats specifically) on a search engine and was directed right towards the "lust boat" with very graphic pictures of both sexes...thank god he pointed it out to me. Being 14 I don't know if it was a shock or a surprise...ugh.

My homepage is now some blank "look up" page (everything from people to products listed). It used to be MSN, which I went back and put on and it dissapeared again. Needless to say, I am not very savvy with these machines, I don't have a virus look-up or stopper, never thought I really needed one as it is basic stuff (email, MSN, etc). I believe I will ask a specialist to come in, fix it, and block everything. As far as Zendik, I appreciate your opinion, but plenty of happily married couples still look at porn (both men and women alike). It doesn't interest me, but different strokes for different folks. And, my son typed in a search for Boats (row boats specifically) on a search engine and was directed right towards the "lust boat" with very graphic pictures of both sexes...thank god he pointed it out to me. Being 14 I don't know if it was a shock or a surprise...ugh.

You got funk.
On your computer.
Download this here to your desktop:
>>Adaware<< (http://www.download.com/3000-2144-10045910.html?part=69274&subj=dlpage&tag=button)
Open the thing up and install it then run it. When it is done go here:
>>Click<< (http://www.lavasoftsupport.com/index.php?showtopic=40554)
Read the instructions and register at the forum.
When you're done let us know what happened....
:D

I would certainly agree that you should discuss this with your husband. Don't go into it slinging accusations and yelling or being overly emotional. They best thing you can do is be open and calm. If he is secretly gay, there's nothing you can do about it. It may hurt you, but it would be best in the long run (for you, for him, and for the kids) if you handled it calmly and maturely, and with tact. It may just be a curiosity, and not really that he is gay.

While I personally don't have a problem with guys (or girls) looking at porn, I think there are a few situations where it needs to stop. 1) When it becomes an addiciton and is replacing intimacy with your significant other. And 2) when there are children in the home who may innocently stumble across it. You need to discuss with your husband how your 14 year old has accidentally come across these sites he has visited, and how it's very important to make sure that appropriate steps are taken to ensure your child does not see such things.

I actually started typing in a website when the "list" came up, when I looked at them, I saw that he actually "joined" one of those sites, including "chatting". He has been very careful, up till that point, to erase/delete any and all "explicit" material. As far as snooping on his computer, it's actually our computer that the whole family uses. Good thing I saw it first and not my 14 year old....that aside, the thought of him having these "fantasies" or thoughts made me sick. This may not be "cheating" but it's the slippery slope and I'm scared.

I don't want to spark any angry comments, so please take this with a grain of salt. Are you sure that it is your husband and not your son?

I personaly would sit your nusband down and ask him whats going on.

This isn't going to help you but I think someone needs to mention it anyway. I worked an undercover detail at a county park for a while that was known for open homosexual activity between strangers. You need to know that there is an "underworld" out there, including married men, that will participate in sex acts between complete strangers.

These weren't street people either. We arrested a bank president, school teacher, grandfathers, husbands, etc. They would go to this park, meet up with a stranger, do their business and go home.

This would obviously be a large step from looking at porn on the computer, but it is important that you know this does happen because these guys weren't "safe". They would bring home god knows what to their wives. Out of our arrests, some wives just wouldn't believe their husbands were guilty. Others got an immediate divorce and never spoke to their families again. I'm not accusing your husband of this by any means, but some people don't realize this kind of thing happens.

You need to know that there is an "underworld" out there, including married men, that will participate in sex acts between complete strangers. These weren't street people either. We arrested a bank president, school teacher, grandfathers, husbands, etc. They would go to this park, meet up with a stranger, do their business and go home.


Underworld is true, we have a few in my county. Talk to your man and get the truth, not some bs storey!!! I would also get tested for every sexually transmitted disease to be on the safe side.

Don't know if any of my info was previously mentioned in another post, didn't read them all.

I would just sit him down and ask him about it. Nothing really more you can do. Based on his answer the decision is then yours.

Sorry, I'm thankful that I married my "best friend". Are you friends....first? I wish you luck.

Sorry I haven't written all. Apparantley, I had some horrible disease on my computer. I did speak with my husband. He DID in fact admit to websites, however, he said that the gay and other "fetish" sites that came up were not from him - said that they would pop-up over and over, leaving everything from emails on all of our addresses to pictures you would not believe (or would). He IS my best friend and asked me why I didn't come to him first instead of flying off the deep end and writing for advice. Honestly, I don't know why I did, I guess total embarassment. He said if the porn bothered me (claiming not an obsession or even often...) to disconnect the internet. Which, we've done. I still have dial up in my son's room, and have learned (took a class) how to block, get parental permission, firewalls, spam blockers, you name it. I consider myself a techno-wizard at this point. As a matter of fact, we had to pay for a new hard drive. We could not get rid of ANYTHING, even with the adaware, etc. I guess it started with spyware of some sort (not familiar with that) AND, as a buddy of his (also a LEO) tried to send him a "hot site", he sent along a horrible virus along with it. Actually, since we both stopped on the computer, we're playing golf together now more, socializing more, etc. It's like a whole new world. I offered to reinstall the internet, he said "what for?" I'm very, very relieved. And thank you all so much for the advice, although some was pretty scary. Thanks again. KAT :D

Glad everything worked out for you. I know my brother told me to check out some site that was all the rage a few years ago (some "Jennycam" site) and when I tried, a whole bunch of porn stuff came up, and for every window I closed, 5 more opened. I was freaking out and just shut the computer down. :D