Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

who have had rocky relationships, shared what went wrong?, and perhaps what could have been done differently in their relationships. Marriages in general are difficult, but I would guess, Being in LE would add 10x's the stress. And others could benefit from the experience. I for one would be very interested to hear..

1. Having your identity wrapped up in the job.
2. Social isolation - only socialize with co-workers.
3. Spouse feels like an outsider
4. Job comes before family
5. Fishing off the company pier.

there are more.....but here's a start

Trust is extremely important, as is communication.
Those are the two things I learned from having a relationship with someone I work with.

My favorite Sgtbear said it so succinctly too. :)

Trust is extremely important, as is communication.
Those are the two things I learned from having a relationship with someone I work with.

My favorite Sgtbear said it so succinctly too. :)

Thank you both! good points and yes..communication is such a priority..anywhere.... I feel, from what I have experienced, that being an LEO is really an identity..not just a job..so a spouse would need, if so inclined.to be part of that identity.
sound right?

5. Fishing off the company pier.

there are more.....but here's a start
:confused:
silly question...but.. what does that mean??? *blushes*

Exposure to "badge bunnies" at work.

Exposure to "badge bunnies" at work.
:( ahhh..yes..of course. Thats my worst concern..if I were to be involved with a cop/LEO.But I suppose keeping the mate satisfied and occupied at home might cure that..what do you think?

Having a GOOD realtionship is the key regardless of the occupation. Being aware that we have to deal with tragedy, mayhem, sorrow and a little joy can and does have an effect on us. Being supportive and understanding goes a long way to ensure good communication hence a good relationship.

Having a GOOD realtionship is the key regardless of the occupation. Being aware that we have to deal with tragedy, mayhem, sorrow and a little joy can and does have an effect on us. Being supportive and understanding goes a long way to ensure good communication hence a good relationship.

Absolutely..but i was reffering to your "badge bunnie" comment specifically.and also to what I have heard from other ppl in general.on why they stray..a good rlationship..in ALL respects..helps anywhere in life. even non LEO's stray if life is not positive and supportive..at home.

Some spouses immerse themselves so far into their husband/wife's professional life they can lose their identity. Some examples may be law enforcement, fire and EMS services, military, entertainers, missionaries, over-the road trucking, airline flight crews, etc. One has "the job", the excitement, and adrenaline rushes; the other experiences the thrills vicariously (thru their spouse). There isn't anything wrong with this lifestyle, as long as some balance is present. Does the stay-at-home spouse have a life of thier own? Does the stay-at-home spouse have a circle of friends, or have they been put aside? Was the spouse attracted to the person; or to the uniform, title, excitement, prestige, and social setting of any high-performance occupation.???

Social isolation occurs when a closed social group considers "outsiders" unable to relate to their 'uniqueness', and their 'special' set of problems with those of 'us' who 'understand'. Valid to a point with people who face hardship and death together - the bonds are real. Sometimes it is used as an alibi, there are some tangible reasons too. "Outsiders" push the buttton a bit: like asking free medical advice from an physician at a picnic, bitching to the cop about their last speeding ticket, asking for legal advice from a lawyer in a social group, asking a special education teacher to diagnose your kids learning problems based on your version only, the career military NCO or officer being baited (and debated) about national security and foreign policy, etc & ad nauseum....

If your relationship is with the person, not the job, or it's perks, you have a good start. One day the job will go away, and where will you both be if that is the foundation of your relationship??

What is your identity?? Who are you?? Can you survive alone?? Are you bringing a whole person into a relationship?? What do you want in a relationship - ask and answer selfishly, because all we go there for some fundamental human reasons..........like shelter, food, sex.....and maybe power...??

Wow. Again proving that you are my FAVORITE Sgtbear. You know of what you speak.

Nirvana, my point about TRUST fits in with the badge bunny idea. You can't completely shut your eyes to what is going on with your mate and the possibility of it happening, but if you have a good strong bond (as in any relationship), you can trust that he/she won't do that. It would drive you crazy if you constantly worried about them out in the field - and believe me, I see firsthand how many women call for the cops because they are interested in them. Does that make sense? I know I rambled.

I agree that a non-cop spouse needs to work a balance in their life. Don't wait for war-stories from your spouse, and have that be the excitement of the day. Have your own "war-stories" to share.

A cop is a different kind of person. You have to be a certain personality (confident is the main trait I see), and as a spouse you have to realize that sometimes that cop persona will spill through to the home life, but otherwise, like these guys said - cops are just people. Are you able to treat him/her as just "Joe, who is has a job as a cop" and not "Joe the cop"?

I will stress to you as well that it is important to realize that you cannot understand everything that the cop in your life is going through. There are just some things that you cannot feel the same about unless you are there in person or intimately involved. You will be shut out on occasion while he talks to his co-worker about it or just says "I don't want to talk about it", and you may be disgusted at the sick warped sense of humor. Just accept that will happen, and ask him ahead of time how he wants you to handle it if he has one of those bad days, then do it.

I want to start this reply by saying that I really admire all you LEO's.I am NOT, i repeat NOT a Badge Bunny :p It is always the person behind the job, mask, hair, etc that I admire.

These are both excellent replies, and I thank you for taking the time to share all of your insight and opinions. I know it will help me, and perhaps anyone else, imensely(sp?) (if they care to listen of course)would love to hear more. Just wanted to acknowledge your posts and let you know that I will reply as soon as I have some peace and quiet to ponder them, and add my own to them. :)

LOL!! One day my wife was explaining a problem that happened on the job and I dismissed it and presumed to have the answers for her. She called me the "C" word (civilian!) and said that I wouldn't understand because I'm not an officer. I have never thought I would ever feel insulted by being referred to as civil! I was mad at first but at the same time I thought it was pretty funny, so I laughed it off. I also adjusted my frame of reference and my attitude!

See I have always treated my ball and chain like they are just an ordinary citizen...I have never had half of the problems I hear some have.

Niravna Girl:

Excellent question, for me, my first wife and I drifted as she had a career and dreams of her own. We drifted apart due due to long seperations in our marriage ........

Mrs W. has lived through the tough times, getting the VISIT at 3 AM by our command staff. She has spent sleepness nights wondering if I would come home and am I OK. My worst mistake was buying a scanner...........

She would later admit she sat up and listen to me on the scanner, or our FRIENDS would call to ask if she is listening to the SCANNER? I owe my career success to my wife for her committment and devotion to me and my career.

I have NEVER given cause for my wife to be concern about females. I have had three female partners .................. At times it left like I was spending more time with my partner than my wife.

tomwoolworth

Thanks again to you guys for adding your opinions. I WANT TO HEAR more ;)

Tommy, I absolutely love the way you love your wife. She is lucky to have you and you are very lucky to have her.

You know, as a dispatcher for 8 years, I swore I'd NEVER get involved with a LEO because I saw the married/dating ones (not all) cheat on a regular basis-got all the phone calls from girlfriends and made it clear I would NOT lie for these guys to their wives or s/o's. However, as a female working with (mostly) males, I was in heaven. Not for any reason other than (and most ladies will back me up on this), I would much rather work for and with a man (men) than women. It's easier. Less crap. I hung out with these guys, it was like having a TON of brothers. Having said that, when I met my husband, I had NO CLUE what he did for a living. It wasn't till after the first few dates that I found out. I actually told him "all cops cheat" and I don't play that game. The first thing out of his mouth was, "it's what I do, not who I am". He won me over. And it's true, you'd never 'know' this guy was a cop. I adore him, we have friends from every walk of life and I am his number one priority. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

:( ahhh..yes..of course. Thats my worst concern..if I were to be involved with a cop/LEO.But I suppose keeping the mate satisfied and occupied at home might cure that..what do you think?

I know I'm going to get nailed for saying so, but I think that is an important element. Works both ways though. Not just the wife/husbands job.

If I were completely satisfied at home and everything was going good, I'd have no reason to look elsewhere. Especially at those little badge bunnies...:P

You know, as a dispatcher for 8 years, I swore I'd NEVER get involved with a LEO because I saw the married/dating ones (not all) cheat on a regular basis-got all the phone calls from girlfriends and made it clear I would NOT lie for these guys to their wives or s/o's. However, as a female working with (mostly) males, I was in heaven. Not for any reason other than (and most ladies will back me up on this), I would much rather work for and with a man (men) than women. It's easier. Less crap. I hung out with these guys, it was like having a TON of brothers. Having said that, when I met my husband, I had NO CLUE what he did for a living. It wasn't till after the first few dates that I found out. I actually told him "all cops cheat" and I don't play that game. The first thing out of his mouth was, "it's what I do, not who I am". He won me over. And it's true, you'd never 'know' this guy was a cop. I adore him, we have friends from every walk of life and I am his number one priority. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Amen, sistah!! I'm a dispatcher as well, and I felt the EXACT same way you did. All the cops I am friends with act like my big brothers. And I did meet my soulmate at work too, and we went through the same thing.

1. Having your identity wrapped up in the job.
2. Social isolation - only socialize with co-workers.
3. Spouse feels like an outsider
4. Job comes before family
5. Fishing off the company pier.

there are more.....but here's a start

Excellent. I tried to rep you for it but I need to spread out more first.

I've been guilty of each of those offenses. Hence my four marriages. I tried to spin it that I was just popular! :o

People need to remember this is a job, not a lifestyle. Many young (and older) officers have difficulty with that. They get caught up in the excitement and identity and lose themselves.

1. Having your identity wrapped up in the job.
2. Social isolation - only socialize with co-workers.
3. Spouse feels like an outsider
4. Job comes before family
5. Fishing off the company pier.

there are more.....but here's a start

Those are the big ones, for sure. I speak as someone who didn't do it right. It is a job and will be over one day. Your family never will.

My husband I did the opposite. I was in LE and he decided he wanted to be, and he did. Being married to a LEO is different. The shifts always change, and we are on the same shift 4 months out of the year. The days off are always different. I usually get one day off with him a month. We talk about things that are going on, and he usually gets a good laugh at me when I give my opinion.
We do love each other very much, but we do have our fights-like any other couple. We both have to deal with the social isolation so we have found that trusting in each other is the best thing to do. Don't get me wrong- I've had to run my number of bunnies off the porch. He loves me and me alone. I don't worry that he'll do anything. I also understand that he can't help what other people do.
The hardest thing with us is that our circle of friends is the same. Privacy is hard to keep. We have to talk on the phone a lot and people want to stand around and listen. People are gonna talk and little things get thrown out of wack.

I, too late learned that trust, and communication are the foundations of any relationship. However, trust becomes jaded in law enforcement.

I am in hopes of one day learning to trust.

I am in hopes of one day learning to communicate(never thought I had that problem)
I lied alot to walk on eggshells than walk on hot coals. I now, would choose the later if I could have done, what I know now.

However, trust becomes jaded in law enforcement.



That is absolutely not true. Being a cop has nothing to do with it. Trust is learned and earned. People just jump into a relationship blind because they think they are in love when it's probably lust. Love has nothing to do with a job. It's two people not gazing at each other but rather, looking off in the same direction. It's complete trust and complete concern for the other. It's tossing all your selfishness in the trash can and learning to share. Cops are people too. It's really stupid to think a job would ruin a relationship. It's the person, not the job. A great relationship has a lot to do with maturity.

And I have to agree with JD45, if you find satisfaction at home and within your relationship, there is no reason to stray. It takes two people willing to both give 100%.

:( ahhh..yes..of course. Thats my worst concern..if I were to be involved with a cop/LEO.But I suppose keeping the mate satisfied and occupied at home might cure that..what do you think?


Ok. This is an old thread, I know. And I understand the temptation for male officers and badge bunnies etc.

What happens in the case of a female officer. Being a female LEO in a department of men can probably be very similar.

How do the male LEO view female LEO.

That is absolutely not true. Being a cop has nothing to do with it. Trust is learned and earned. People just jump into a relationship blind because they think they are in love when it's probably lust. Love has nothing to do with a job. It's two people not gazing at each other but rather, looking off in the same direction. It's complete trust and complete concern for the other. It's tossing all your selfishness in the trash can and learning to share. Cops are people too. It's really stupid to think a job would ruin a relationship. It's the person, not the job. A great relationship has a lot to do with maturity.

And I have to agree with JD45, if you find satisfaction at home and within your relationship, there is no reason to stray. It takes two people willing to both give 100%.

I am not in law enforcement but I have family and several close firends that are. I work in hospitality I am a hotel manager and I see in my job how long hours and high stress causes relationships to fail just because of work. (:o I know I've had my share of failed ones) Sometimes even if you truley care for one other the lack of time and lack of understanding which of course comes from communication can cause destruction at a blink of an eye. I do agree that communication of the key and both people need to cut through the bs and say how they feel.