Police Officer Preparation & Law Enforcement Resource - Archive

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and he is a NYC Police Officer. I need some pointers to get me through some of the hard times. He is a great guy and I couldnt ask for a better boyfriend, but he closes himself off to me when it comes to his job and I am afraid he is going to close me off to him all together. I am not used to the long hours and not seeing him, but I am adjusting. I just need to tips on what I can do to make his life easier. He is very tired and stressed out and sometimes he takes it out on me. He doesnt beat me up or anything, but he is snippy and cold sometimes. I need to know how to deal with this. I know he doesnt mean it and we have talked about it, but I was just wondering what else I can do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks a bunch :)
Missy

Not sure what advice to give. What I can tell you is a lot of police officers don't like talking about their job much. I don't think it's because they don't like it, I think they just get a little burned out. So don't expect a lot of talking about police work; that's not out of the ordinary. As far as the snippiness, I personally just want to be left alone for awhile if I'm upset about something. When I'm ready to talk, I'll talk. I'm guessing the same might be for him. Hope this helps. :D

Thank you so much for the bit of advice. I just worry about him and he tells me "I dont want to tell you about some things that happen b/c you are going to get upset". By him saying that upsets me even more...well all i can do is sit back and pray that he will be ok... well thanks again!! :p

I'm lucky I suppose, my wife comes from a family that has a very long history with family members serving in the Police Services.
I'm the same, I admit it! I get pretty snippy and tired and don't usually come out with stuff of my own free will.
All I can say is try and show an innocent interest in how his day was.Don't try and pump him for info, if he wants to talk about it he will. I suppose I'm lucky once again for the fact that my wife was going to become a Police officer herself, but she became a mother before she could join, so naturally to her everything I did at work that day is exciting for her and she wants to geniunely know about it.
However being a male I seem to have this thing where I try to protect her and only tell her stuff I don't think will upset her. I'm not exactly gonna come home from work and say "I was this close to wrecking my car in a pursuit today", or "I nearly got stabbed today"

Thanks for you reply.
I am just afraid if he doesnt talk about and keep it all inside, one day he is going to snap. I told him that he can talk to me about ANYTHING and I would put my own fears aside. I just want him to know that I am proud of him every single day and that he can come to me. I dont know. I am new at all of this and its not easy. But I am not going to give up! I'm a fighter :)

Hey Missy! I'm married to a police officer in Louisiana. I'm sure alot different than NYC but I know what you are going through. It sounded like you were describing my husband to a tee. I have had 4 years to learn to deal with it and it's still very hard at times. He works about 70 hrs. a week including details and that does not leave much time for us. I say the best way to cope is cherish every second you get to spend with him and when he is pissy from a long day at work, let him relax for a little bit and then see if he would like a nice massage and a bubble bath with you!!!Just an idea. Hope it helps.

Thanks for the reply.. every little bit helps... I am going to try that bubble bath thing...

"He is very tired and stressed out and sometimes he takes it out on me. "

Missy NYC: How often is this for him? I may be wrong but maybe the job is not right for him... is he happy at work? Maybe I am crazy but I am a police officer in a very busy area and am often very exhausted because of the hours but I get an incredible amount of satisfaction from the job and I am certainly not stressed. I truly think I have the best and coolest job ever. I worked a Monday - Friday job for years before and hated it, THAT was stressful for me; knowing exactly what you will do very day, day in and day out...boring. I love being where things happen and being challenged everyday.

"but he closes himself off to me when it comes to his job and I am afraid he is going to close me off to him all together."

My boyfriend and I are both cops so we share a lot about what happens at work, but I don't think it should matter if he was or not. Maybe he understands better if I had to rough somebody up or something and vice versa...he won't be shocked by anything. However, I do think it is important to talk about some of the things you see... There are things in life that are so unfair and some of the people I meet break my heart, I have to talk about it with him or I just get too sad...maybe I am just a sappy chick, who knows. Sounds like everyone here might disagree with me but I think he needs to find a way that he can share with you what happens at work. In other words I don't think you should ignore the feelings you are having, esp. since you are not married yet, he may not be the man for you.

MissyNYC:

I know all to well what your significate other is going through. There will times, he will not want to talk about the Job, because of things he has seen or experienced on the street. His attitude may be moody, pissy, upset, remember he is trying not to bring the crap home with him.

Some officers deal with the stress in different ways. I've know officer who drink, who sleep and others who come to grips with the job. My wife learned early on there are things I will not talk about with her ... but there are things I will spill by guts to her about and no one else. She has been my sounding board for over 13 years and I love her to death, without her I would not know what to do!!

If I might suggest, talking him about the boundaries, let him tell you what the boundaries are, and you talk to him about those boundries. Sometimes just a warm gentle touch, is all that is needed to bring him back to reality. Let him know if you are not comfortable with the boundaries.

If you care for him, talk to him, really talk to him about what you expect, and hopefully he will begin to open up to you, share those horrible details of the "job". Hope this help and good luck. Remember you are not alone.

tomahawk134

to gognshow:

It think if he choose to become a Police Officer, that means he like this job.
but every each of us take some things differently.
we all have different characters and all this things.

What I want to say is that maybe he likes this job, but like tomahawk134 said, he is trying not to bring the crap home with him.

Hope this helps.

I think all of us probably have differently ways of dealing with the job. Personally, when my wife asks about "my day" I usually keep my answers vague... (busy, slow, fine, normal....etc), but I know my wife. Shes gonna worry no matter what happens, and I see no need to underscore the inherent danger associated with police work. I have the advantage of working nights, so my family is asleep at the end of my day. I prefer an hour or two to myself, without having to talk to anyone, when I get home so that I can unwind... not sure if this helps you or not.....

thank you all for your replies...

My boyfriend is one of the best cops out there.. and i am not saying that b/c he is my boyfriend. He LOVES what he does...he works very very very hard and i am soooo proud of him. I am there for him and he knows that I worry.. i am just getting used to this... i have to give credit to all the women who are married or dating a cop b/c relationships are hard as it is.. and if you can get through this you can get through anything... With all the is happening in New York City, having my boyfriend out there makes me very worried... he saw alot of really bad stuff when he was called to the World Trade Center and who know whats coming next...I just want to show him how much i care for him and that he isnt in this alone... I care for him very deeply... and I want him to know that I am here for him... but i still cant help worrying!! Everytime he walks out that door I get a lump in my throat... but i have never been sooo happy to see him walk back in!! He IS the one for me!!! I know in my heart, mind and soul. Well know that i poured my heart out!! thanks again!! :)

Hi Ya Missy You know what helped me get through some scary times....I listened to the police scanner so I could hear his voice. Once I heard it I could relax!!! He also called me when he could....
Hang in there :)

Owners Girl, the scanner thing may not be such a good idea. I mean it's a good theory, but what happens when she hears him or someone else screaming into the radio for help. In NYC that goes on enough that it may not be such a good idea. Even though the chances that he'd be the one doing the yelling are slim, there's a good bet Missy may mistake another voice for his, and get unecessarily worried. Missy, I think that space is your best bet. Leave him his alone time. Constant pushing for answers will put a drain on your relationship. He has others that he can talk to about his job, but no one that he can talk to about what he talks to YOU about ;-)

The scanner thing wouldnt be a good idea.. sometimes at night me and him listen to the scanner and I hear some stuff I dont want to hear... I am going to give him his space.. I just worry about him... but he calls me ALL the time... and every morning I have an email at work so I know he got home ok... I just want HIM to be happy and I want us to have a normal life.. and when I told him this he laughed and said "Babe, your dating a cop...there is NOTHING normal about that..." He is soo funny sometimes!!!

Hey CollarHound.. I am in Staten Island too.. thats funny!!! :)

Missynyc, no kidding.

POEMS WERE EDITED!!!!!! BECAUSE NOT EVERYBODY LIKED THEM.
NO POEMS ANYMORE! WOMAN'S ARE VERY SENSITIVE:)

HWPD, Nice sentiment dude . . but I think maybe that last bit belonged in another forum. I don't think that's something that Missnyc really needed to read right now.

I agree Collarhound.. how is that suppose to make me feel better?? I mean I got the picture pretty well.. but I am not leaving my boyfriend.. i dont give up on something i want.. and he is what i want..

Thank you. But as I told you I didn't write them. I took it from the www.policepoems.com

About the last one, well ..... I think the point of this poems is that not everybody respects the police. As all of us know a lot of peoples do respect the police, but there is always those who disrespect the police as it shown in poem #2.

HWPD, Not saying u wrote it dude . . . just saying it may have been a bad Idea to reprint it here.

I'm not saying you said that I wrote it:D

But I think it's to late to delete it.
Sorry for posting it.

HWPD . . .that's k dude . . . . just remember which forums yer posting in lol. Women can be sensitive. ;-)

Yes, Indeed man.:)
I try to remember this:D

Originally posted by Collarhound
Women can be sensitive. ;-) Speaking as a broad, I know I am pretty sensitive to others feelings... I  think the poems inappropriate, but he was just trying to help and share what he had.    Oh yeah,  I am a sensitive chick myself...

Stump, so what is it? are u a broad . . ? or a sensitive chick?

Well I want to thank everyone for their posts!!! You have helped me alot. I think everything is going to be ok!!! Well, be safe and I will talk to you all soon!!! :)

Stump... those poems were inappropriate! I really dont want to read about those things.. I have enough to think about!!!!

ALSO.. there is nothing wrong being a sensitive!!!

It's the sensitive woman forum!

CollarHound..The only reason why women are sensitive is b/c we care.

I dont know if you are married or in a relationship, but would you want a cold hearted woman or someone who is sensitive??

Well I think that sensitive women are looked at as weak and "girlie" but I think that if a woman is sensitive it just means she has a GOOD heart.. Like I said there is nothing wrong with being sensitive!!!

Collarhound...BTW how did you know I was in Staten Island??

Missy, did I say there was anything wrong with being sensitive? I even said that I was sensitive. I don't understand why you think I am knocking the sensitive woman?
You can't expect all men to be sensitive - that was my point. He didn't post the poems to be mean - he just didn't realize that it wasn't appropriate.

oh, well. No poems anymore:)
Sorry MissyNYC

Stump...I wasnt being nasty in my post at all!!! I was just stating that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive!!! :)

HWPD--its ok.. dont worry about it... :) :)

MissyNYC "Hey CollarHound.. I am in Staten Island too.. thats funny!!!
"

ummm . . . u told me.

HWPD . . . doo . . I think everyone is jumping on the band wagon here.



EVERYONE LEAVE HWPD's POEMS ALONE!!!!!!!!!

What band wagon?
Check the poems by the way :D

HWPD . . i noticed that . . . . . . ... no need to get trid of them dude . . . . that's change.. No need.

Collarhound.. I know I told you that I was from Staten Island.. and you said "no kidding".. now was that "no kidding" as in "really??" LOL

HWPD- I am sorry about the whole poems thing... Its a free country - you can say or post whatever you want...

MissyNYC . . . . . . . . . . maybe? ;-)

Collarhound... Ah.. ok.. Playing games with me.. LOL

I know Missy, I just didn't realize you are very sensitive :D

hwpd---no biggie!!! still friend? :)

Yes, Still friends!

So what else is up people... i'm bored.. lol

U need a boyfriend if you're bored.

I have a boyfriend.

Wow Collar, hence the first post of this thread ~I have been dating my boyfriend who is a police officer for 6 months~:p

Abirtz . . . . .well . . if he was doing his job . . she wouldn't be bored . .would she.

Collarhound.. he is doing his job!!! You dont know him like I know him so dont pass judgement .. OK BUDDY!!!

Ah, Collarhound offends another :) .
Seriously dude, don't be so negative; if you have nothing good to say don't say anything at all.

Thanks you Athas!!!! Spoken like a good guy!! :)

Well If you're bored MissyNYC then you need to open another thread.

because I think we answered your question in this one.
So you can either strat a new topic, hang out in the whole forum, or just continue talk in this one.

But what are we talking about in here?

hwpd---no one invited you to this forum...you dont have to read what we write...there are plenty of other places you can go...i am just making small talk thats all... i not being nasty...but if i wanna just talk about "nothing" i dont think its a big deal.. we arent talking about anything in particular..but bullsh*tting!!!

Hey chill out a little!
And be nice to other peoples!

WHOA . . . . I think Missy is on the bandwagon now. As for Athas . . . . negativity isn't bad. 'Sides . .I'm realistic. No one likes being called what theya re . . .THAT's the problem.

OH, hold up Collarhound.

Let analysis YOUR logic. "No one likes being call what they are?"

Ok, so under your reasoning, you call me gay. Fine, I can live with that; anyones sexual orientation does not make them a bad person anyway.
Under your "logic", if I called you a thief you should not get offended because the statement has no validity. Yet, I bet you it does offend you........yet for arguements sake lets say it does not. What if I offered you a bribe to fix a ticket (implying your on the graft, hence a "thief of sorts"). I would bet the farm you would get offended and take me to jail ( as you should), not only because its the law but because I have insulted your morals and have implied that you can be bought...... (I am NOT renting you but buying you lock-stock and barrel). What if others in your department though you were "on the take", but you obviously are not. You are going to be offended and want to clear your name, correct? If you answer yes, then under your logic you are a thief because you are offended.
It only natural that 99.95% of all individuals take offense when you accuse them of something they honestly are not or have not done. So, please don't quote "logic" that does not make any sense at all--- it gives me a head-ache. :(

Again, you missed the point. I know that you have to enforce the law regardless of personal feelings, I stated so above (Quote: " ......as you should "). But, to say that you conduct yourself in a vacuum, without any personal feelings is a load of garbage. If people in your department, think wrongly, that your on the take would you NOT want to defend yourself? Would you not take offense because it is not true ? Under your "logic" because you are offended this means you are guilty -- which is not the case.

*Note: I think Jenna deleted Collarhounds post that was before mine.....so this may not make sense. He said something to the effect of "Cops are only their to enforce the law regardless of personal feelings." This missed the point and took what was posted out of context**

I am sorry but I have to say something here....

I think it is really messed up the Collarhound was thrown out. I mean, I didnt agree with what he had to say, but I think that if people didnt enjoy the bickering back and forth with him, then they wouldnt have commented. I think he was very brave for expressing himself and taking each and every post that was sent to him lightly. He doesnt care about you people and you dont care about him. I actually would look forward to his posts. They were funny. I know most of you think he was an A**hole!! But I liked his humor!!! Well I guess I just wanted to say that... sorry if you guys dont agree with me... but this IS a public forum and WE ARE ENTITLED to say what we want. I just think that kicking someone out b/c they are sarcastic is messed up. He wasnt cursing up a storm or anything like that. I just think it wasnt right.

Nobody kicked him out MissyNYC

Its terrible. :(

Who banned him?
What did he do?
For how long?

HWPD--- i think the "almighty" Jenna banned him and it is forever... they blocked his IP address.. i think it totally ****s... but then again.. who cares what i think...

Missy.......I've been thinking..... I feel bad for Collar as well. While he did say a lot of hateful things......he was a good sparing partner. He's reminds me of a fungus (and I don't mean this in a nasty way) he grew on me. His posts got me as mad as hell but at least the livened up the forum. That said, don't blame Jenna...I think her hands were tied. Give it some time...I think Collar will make a return.

Jenna: For Missy sake; any chance we can "un-ban" him for a trial basis ?

I stand by Jenna's decision. I do like Collar as a person, but he was full of negativity and hate when it came to the job. I don't want to see every post he makes putting down someone and insulting them. He didn't offer constructive criticism either.
And Jenna is the "almighty", missy... she is a moderator for a reason.
Like I said, I hold no grudges against him, but I do know not to talk to him about work.

whatever....

Kinda makes you think that "freedom of speech" is really just an illusion.

Ok...Sorry guys, but I have held my tongue long enough

Missy.....Collar was banned. Period. If you have a problem with that or with Jenna then maybe you should address that problem with Jason and/or Jenna like an adult and not here.

I agree with Stump that Jenna did the right thing here. She doesn't just ban people for the fun of it and I think that she was more than fair. She warned him more than once. And yes, I know that this is an open forum but I am almost positive that Jason wouldn't want people on here bashing others who are suppose to be on the same side here. Noone had a problem with him being a smartass and I even liked some of his replies, this was not the problem. The problem was that someone asked an opinion and did not deserve to hear an attack on the character of their career choice. And this was not the first reply from him that pissed someone off. Jenna must have had several complaints stong enough for the ban. Thats her job and I think that she does it well. Whoever doesn't like the rules here doesn't have to post here. Jason has done a great job making this site as liberal as possible and allowing everyone to voice how they feel but again I say I must agree with the choice to ban Collar. Maybe your friend Collar could have taken the advice of your signature.

I am all for sharing opinions, information, stories, ideas, etc...but what I don't like is personal attacks against other members. I tried to be tolerant, I let it slide more than once, but yet it kept happening. Sorry if you disagree. It's over and done.....let's move on people....

Stump, I havent forgotten your avatars, I have been swamped w/ some personal stuff but will have them to u by friday :)

I have a scanner on all the time. And it is scary when hubbie get into something big. But it does let you know where they are and what is happening. But i know all the codes I learned them when he did. So I know when he is just making a traffic stop or checking on a noise problem.
He is the kinda person that leaves the job a work.
At the end of the night when he parks the car in the drive way,
All that happend stays in the car to.
So the scanner lets me know how his day was.
tarra

I haven't read through this entire thread, but here's my 2cents about your intial post....

My first bit of advice would be....try not to act like a girl. That's my hubby's favorite thing I say about women. LOL. If you are going to get involved with a man who is in law enforcement, get a hobby. The hours **** and they don't always want to talk about what happens during their day. Keep in mind, women talk.....men don't.
Also, something struck me about a comment you made...."I just need to tips on what I can do to make his life easier". Don't worry about him. He's a cop, he fixes things...not the other way around. You are fighting a losing battle if you think YOU are going to be the person that makes his life easier. He chose this profession for a reason. The best thing you can do is take care of you. I think you'll be surprised when you start doing things for you, taking time for yourself and not falling all over him once he walks through that door. These guys are programmed to get into your business, allow him the opportunity to discover you and worry about what you are doing. Batman and I have been married for over 10 years and initially I was very needy because I was 19.....I got over it fast, especially when the kids came. LOL. As soon as I got out of his way and started doing for myself then it was....."What are you doing? How was your day? Do you want to do something later?" He just needed his space......LMAO, now I just need mine.
I wasn't going to mention this, but since the book was recommended to me by a police psychologist(fed) who has amazing credentials....heehee....I'll take the chance. The book is called "The Rules". Just read it and do it and you'll be amazed. I didn't do it myself since I already am that person, but I know of some other wives that tried it and they said it was just like brainwashing their guy. It's much easier than that though...they just like their space and they like to be the one in control. So lighten up, read this book and just take it easy.

Remember, a relationship works two ways....you said that you were afraid that he was going to cut you off all together. Great then let him go.....is that the worse thing that's ever happen to you? You'll be better off since he was grouchy anyway. Just kidding. My guess is that this is in your head. Like I said, relax. If his problem is being tired and stressed, then let him have his sleep and do relaxing activities. If nothing works my last suggestion is to scrub out the hopper with his toothbrush and get a new boyfriend.




I think I just gave Dr. Ruth a run for her money. Sorry about that.

Island Girl..thanks for the advice... we talked alot of things through and we are as happy as ever!!! he is the best thing that ever happend to me!!! :)

Missy~Just read through the few posts prior to mine and I apparently disrupted a disruption, how funny....if I had read more I wouldn't have posted. I'll remember that in the future.....note to self, "Read all posts before responding." LMAO....once again I missed the hubbub.

So glad to hear that you and the love-muffin are doing yummy!

Island Girl... its not a big deal..your post was greatly appreciated. So whats up??? Where ya from??

Hey Missy hows it going? Long time no type :)

Hey Athas... whats up...how ya been??? Check your email! :)

Hey Missy, good to talk to you. I'm currently in the Carribean. Hubby took a federal position in one of the territories. I've almost had enough and I'm about ready for stateside again. I'm so glad to hear the you two have worked it out. The longer you are with him, the easier it'll be to read him and know his quirks. Good luck.

[QUOTE=MissyNYC]The scanner thing wouldnt be a good idea.. sometimes at night me and him listen to the scanner and I hear some stuff I dont want to hear...




Maybe this is why he does not talk about the job to you, he knows it is something you may not want to hear. I tell my wife enough for us to have a conversation and leave out some parts that she would not want to hear.

[QUOTE=MissyNYC]The scanner thing wouldnt be a good idea.. sometimes at night me and him listen to the scanner and I hear some stuff I dont want to hear...




Maybe this is why he does not talk about the job to you, he knows it is something you may not want to hear. I tell my wife enough for us to have a conversation and leave out some parts that she would not want to hear.

Just FYI most of the people in the threads you are ressurecting haven't been around here in a long time.

Good grief this thread is from 2002 :confused:

Good grief this thread is from 2002 :confused:
A rerun already!!