Police Jokes

Funny Joke: Testing the new recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!
 

Funny Joke: The Helpful Wife

EA driver is pulled over by the police and the following scene ensues:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Funny Joke: Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're cute!"

 

Funny Joke: Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the best computer programmer.

 

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.

 

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

 

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

 

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

 

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

 

"Very well, then," says God, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."

 

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

 

Satan is astonished.

 

He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

 

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... JESUS SAVES."

 

Funny Joke: Prostitutes are going on strike because they're unhappy about working conditions and police harassment, AND...

    *

      Can't charge as much as gasoline companies do for "screwing" people!  Forget about gasoline prices. . .
    *

      you should see what they're charging for LUBRICANTS! 
    *

      Ever since the Grammies, clients want me to dress like that slut Jennifer Lopez! 
    *

      Most health care plans don't cover "Pimp Slaps".  Thanks to Viagra, I get a lot of, "Who's your GRAND-daddy?!" 
    *

      I'm glad Charlie Sheen's gonna have some extra cash, but I really enjoyed Michael J. Fox on "Spin City"! 
    *

      That damn Courtney Love gives it away for free. 
    *

      Puff Daddy hires me and shoots everything but his wad. 
    *

      Not as much work at the Kennedy compound because there are a lot fewer Kennedy's.  

A Commander's Preference

 

The commander was asked: "Why do you prefer married soldiers in your unit?"  "Well, the married men are used to take orders even if they are yelled at."

A true lawyer story...

 

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?


They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Woman says she'll do anything for $100

 

A lawyer walks into a bar in a bad part of town. Almost immediately, he is propositioned by one of the women at the bar. "For $100, I will do anything you want," she says.

"OK," he says, "but we have to go back to my place."

She agrees, and they head into the suburbs, in front of the lawyer's expansive house. The woman follows him to the front door. "Just stay here for a second," the lawyer says.

He goes in and comes back a couple of minutes later. Handing the woman overalls and two cans of paint, the lawyer says, "Here is your $100. Let me know when you are done painting the house."

 

Funny Joke: Lawyer Answers:

 

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
 

Funny Joke: Application to date my Daughter

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women's place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________

16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).

 

Funny Joke: Local Police always get their man

 

The local police, FBI, and CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.  The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

 

When the CIA goes in, they place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

Then the FBI goes in: After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 

Then the local police go in: They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: " Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

Funny Joke: Three Dead Cops:

 

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

Funny Joke: Cereal Killer

 

A local man was found murdered in his home in Galveston, Texas over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks... Police suspect a cereal killer.

 

Funny Joke: Math Exam: City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: _________________AKA: Gang Name: ______________

Q1: Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 shots per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?


Q2: Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $220 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
Q3: Rufus pimps 3 hoe's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?


Q4: Jerome wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?


Q5: Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?


Q6: Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?


Q7: If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?


Q8: Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?


Q9: Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?


Q10: Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked.

 

Funny Joke: Big Red Truck

 

A blonde woman calls 911. In a panic she tells the dispatcher that her house is on fire and that she needs the fire department there immediately. The dispatcher tells her, just calm down Mame and tell us how to get there. The blonde lady replies "DUH, THE BIG RED TRUCK"

 

Funny Joke: Contacts

 

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


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