Police Jokes 3

Funny Jokes: The Right Time For Cussing

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Law Enforcement Improvement Policy

In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this critique.

1. During your arrest were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?

___ Yes
___ No
___ What rights?

2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?

___ Too much
___ Not enough
___ Just right

3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it?

___ Consensual
___ Court ordered
___ Police ordered

4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?

___ Too tight
___ Not tight enough
___ Too loose
___ Not loose enough
___ Just right

5. For what crime were you arrested?

___ Homicide
___ Rape
___ Robbery
___ DUI
___ Public Stupidity
___ Public Mopery with Intent to Gawk
___ Other

6. During your arrest, was the officer's commentary directed at you politically correct?

___ Yes
___ No

7. During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer's driving habits cause your face to impact with the silent partner?

___ Once
___ Twice
___ Three times
___ I can't remember

8. Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?

___ Through the car door
___ Through the trunk
___ From the trunk
___ Through the wing window
___ Off the bumper

9. Have you taken advantage of our department's free attitude adjustment program?'

___ Yes
___ No
___ Not yet

10. How would you rate the food at our jail in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?

___ Excellent
___ Good
___ Fair
___ Poor
___ Bad
___ What food?

11. Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?

___ Yes
___ No
___ You gotta be kidding

12. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

13. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

14. Our department is offering a Time Saver Program whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?

___ Yes
___ No
___ Does X count as a signature?

Thank you for your participation!

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."


An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

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